Intro

[Brokenglass]

Hello to all,

My first post and an introduction. I will begin by saying I am an older male. I am never going to give specifics.

Thank you for letting me onboard, I think.

I have never spoken to anyone about any of the bad things that happened to me as a child. Maybe I can find the courage to do it here.

I am afraid to tell anyone anything that could be used against me in the future. It has been my experience that, if I tell anyone anything, they will find a way to use it against me, somehow, someway. If it is not clear by now, I will say, I have zero trust in people and the future. I guess that makes me a pessimist. If something can go wrong, it will.

The only person in my life is my wife of several years (for the life of me, I cannot understand why she stays with me). I sort of trust her, but I don’t tell her the secrets of my childhood. There is my sister, I have never shared any of this with her either, she apparently had a totally different experience than I according to what she tells me (this is mostly true).

I really don’t want to be alive, I won’t commit suicide, but I wish everyday, multiple times a day, that was dead. Actually, I wish I would have never been born, that would be better.

I have never been to therapy, unless anger management counts. Most therapists lives are as screwed up as mine or worse, why would I want them interfering with mine?

I have never felt I belonged anywhere in my life, including where I’m at now. I will most likely feel that way here too. Thinking of that, I see most here are females. I do relate to women much more than men, I hate most men. Most, if not all, of the abuse I encountered was from males.

I have no idea how to have a “normal” relationship, I don’t even know what normal is. I know what normal is for me, I also believe I’m not normal. If I’m normal, no wonder the world is so messed up.

I do not want sympathy, I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want to be a better person and to move on. I am here because lately, I have been having dreams that disturbs my sleep. I’m sure these dreams have something to do with what happened to me as a child. In my dreams, I am being held down and gagged, this actually has happened to me. I cannot wake up. The only thing I can do is a muffled moan. My wife wakes me up when she hears me. I have other disturbing dreams as well.

I think I’ve said enough for now.

Brokenglass

[Oceantide]

Hello Brokenglass,

I'm sorry about what brought you here but am glad you are sharing. I think it takes great courage to show up, despite the lack of trust. And it shows you are advocating for yourself, for all of you, for the young boy perhaps getting your attention through the dreams, and for you now, exactly as you are.

I hope you find that this is a place that feels safe, and helpful. It feels to me like others on this forum understand as very few can.

Welcome, Oceantide

[Brokenglass]

Thank you Oceantide,

I hope I find some solace here.

Brokenglass

[rainewillow]

Hi brokenglass,
Welcome!!I relate to and understand your feelings...I hope you'll stay and take babysteps.....I'm here listening and offer ing support.....

Rain

[Serenity]

Hi Brokenglass. Welcome to isurvive.

With care
Serenity

[Chessgirl]

Hey brokenglass

Im sorry for the circumstances, but I’m glad you found your way to us. I can relate to a lot of things you mentioned. I hope you find the acceptance, support and validation here I have found.

[Jonesy]

Hi Brokenglass

A very warm welcome from me too - glad to have you with us

[Brokenglass]

Thank you rainewillow, Serenity, Chessgirl and Jonesy.

I appreciate your welcoming me and hope to find some answers and guidance here that will help me with what I’m up against now.

Brokenglass