[heron]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here. I've been reading this site for a long time, though... a couple years, if you can believe that. I haven't wanted to post for various reasons. But there's a new thing happening in my life that made me want to post...

Ever since I can remember I've had a hugely hair-trigger startle response. (It's directly related to things that were done to me as a kid.) If anything moved in my peripheral vision I'd leap and duck and cover my head. Anything flying in the air or moving at my head would trigger a huge cringe and my arms flying up to protect my head. And if anything accidentally bumped me on the head... I would fly into a fit of rage and fear. Even something flying at the screen on television would make me cringe and shut my eyes.

It's always been really embarrassing. People look at me like I'm crazy, or they say "Jeez, I'm not going to hit you!" My ex used to say it all the time. Every time she would reach for my face I would involuntarily cringe and she would get this sad look on her face.

Anyway. Over the last few months I've noticed that it's been going away. This is due, I think, to my acceptance of what happened to me, my understanding that it wasn't all my fault, and my ability to forgive those who did this to me. I've noticed that I hardly ever cringe or flinch anymore, and when things hit me on the head I am able to laugh it off.

The really weird part that has made me want to post here is that I am kind of not ok with the loss of my startle response. In some weird way, it was validating to me - it was tangible proof, visible to all, that I'm not crazy, that these things were done to me and they weren't my fault. It's almost like I'm attached to my outdated defense mechanisms. If they go away, then does that negate the reality of what happened to me? I don't know why I feel this way and I feel kind of guilty and weird about it. I kind of don't want my startle response to go away. Is that weird or what? Does that make any sense to anyone?

[Impostor]

heron,

People are creatures of habit. Your startle response has been you souvenir for all this time, it has been a habit. You are changing and loosing that habit. There is some part of each of us that abhors change. There is some part of you that is clinging to that past you. But you are growing; you are moving on. Allow yourself to feel good about it.

Another interesting point. . .

In your third paragraph you describe your startle response as embarrassing and say that people look at you like you're crazy. In your fifth paragraph you describe it as your proof, "visible to all," that you're not crazy.

So, have you analyzed these conflicting feelings?

[rabbit]

Hello, heron!

I wanted to comment that sometimes our weird responses and body memories are being held onto for proving to ourselves that something happened, especially if it was denied or covered up at the time.

The more you get acknowledgment from others about your experience, the less you need to carry "proof" within you...but it is a choice whether to let go of those copings and tensions. It also is a choice about the timing of your changes.

Sounds like you are in the middle of a process, and it is still developing. Sounds like you are getting stronger and more whole.

(Can't help picturing you trying to get your "startle response" back...I picture you trying to play tennis facing the wrong way and without a racket, to get that dodging and ducking habit back! Sorry, my brain is just being silly!)

Sometimes your "insides" and your "outsides" are on two different schedules...you may be ready in one part, but not ready in the other.

[heron]

Hi impostor and rabbit,

Thanks for the replies. I think you have good insights here.

Impostor: that's a good point about on the one hand the embarrassment of the exaggerated startle response and on the other hand feeling like it's tangible proof. I thought about it more and realized that the shame/embarrassment was more my younger self, and the tangible proof feelings relate more to my adult self who has processed some of the "stuff." So as a kid/young person, it was just embarrassing; then over the last few years as I dealt with this stuff, I understood it for what it was and saw it as validation.

Rabbit: LOL at the tennis court image! I'm also laughing thinking of a rabbit and a heron sitting and talking. Yes, it was denied and covered up at the time... so when I started questioning the idea that it was all my fault, I started seeing the jumpy/flinchy stuff as validation...

Thanks for helping me not feel like a freak.

[rabbit]

Heron:

Doesn't a heron rest standing on one leg? Or is that a flamingo?

So maybe I need to bring a tall stool to sit on so I don't have to keep bouncing and hopping to be at eye level!

You made my day!

(this may seem funny, but I like your "startle" way of dealing with touch issues...mine is to be stiff and inflexible...keeps me from being as adventurous as I would like.)

Keep exploring, keep talking, and check your fears out here...we do "validating" as well as just support!

[Bella87]

I can totally relate Heron!

Ive always had an exagerated startle response. My abuse was very covered up and I didnt even realise it was abuse until a couple of years ago. When I realised that was the reason that i was so jumpy it made me feel quite validated as everything had just been random disconnected feelings and that was 'real physical proof' that i had been abused. I think bcos in our world of medicine and science emotional scars are often not seen as important as a physical injury.

I never realised that till you mentioned your feelings. interesting thanks for bringing it up. I dont think that's weird at all. makes perfect sense to me! But by the same token your experience was real and important and you dont need to prove it to anyone including yourself. But im sure you've figured that our by now.
_________________
Bella

[heron]

Rabbit: I don't know if they sleep on one leg! But they do have those long craning necks, so don't worry, I can bend down to talk to you.

Bella, thanks for saying you can relate!