[panda]

Do you know of the song "Bodies" by Drowning Pool? Well if you do there is a line in the song that says: "Driven by hate and consumed by fear". Isn't that how it feels sometimes. You're driven by the hate that you have for your abuser. To show them that you can beat them you can get over this and continue and have an amazing life with out them. You want to show them and everyone else that told you, that it wasn't possible. You just want to scream at the top of your lungs. I can beat you. What you did isn't going to affect me anymore. Its my life and I'm going to live it my way with out any of your influence in it any more. Fuck you and what you did to me!!!!

But at the same time I'm so consumed by fear. As much as I want to move away from what he did to me I can't. What if he does it my kids when I have them. I mean I know that I'll be protective of them and have guidelines of what he can and can't do around my kids but at the same time I ask myself the "what if?" question all the time. What if I can't move away from him and what he did. What if I have to stay on anti depressants that rest of my life because he caused me so much mental damage. My mother in law says its horrible that I'm on medication and that I shouldn't have to be. How I can't have kids if I'm on the medication because it could affect them. Doesn't she realize that I already know all of this and that I've done my research on this. How could anyone who hasn't been depressed understand this. For 12 years of my life every other weekend I was tortured and because of that its fucking up my whole life now. I'm so tired of feeling so depressed and down on myself. This medication is supposed to help me feel better but it doesn't. WHAT IF I GO CRAZY!!!???? I try to tell myself that I won't let him beat me. He doesn't control my life anymore. But. . .he does he controls me still. He's the reason I look over my shoulder. I am consumed by fear and its all his fault.

[rabbit]

Did you know that there are many, many antidepressants available now, each having different effects and side effects? If yours aren't helping you, a change might do you good.

My husband started antidepressants when he suddenly became suicidal for no "apparent" reason. The first one they put him on had effects on male fertility, (we're talking damaged sperm, not about whether he enjoys it) and we were in fertility counseling at the time. Duh! So we had to fight the doctor's attitude to get a change made, but it did wonders for him when he got the right med for him. (We had to change doctors to get one that would listen and think about what he needed, as a complete person.)

Meds are a support system, not a value judgment. Please do what you need to get the help that suits you, even if your family is less than positive about it.

Anger is one good antidote for fear. I beat some of my scariest anxiety by getting mad about what started it.

Being down is also a way to handle it, to shut as much "noise" out of your life as you can, so you can heal a bit.

As long as you are protecting yourself from the extremes of hate and depression, it's okay to feel what you feel...(I mean acting out the wanting to hurt him, or the needing to give up.) You are welcomed here. We sure know how crazy we can feel.

[Impostor]

Panda,

Rabbit is correct about the drugs; talk to your doctor and find one that helps you.

It is true that the drugs are a crutch, but using crutches isn't bad. If you have a broken leg no one says, "look that person is weak for using crutches to walk around." Sometimes you need crutches. People put a lot of stigma on mental injuries, like that makes you less fit than someone who has suffered a physical injury or that mental injuries aren't as valid. But don't let that view point poison you. Mental injuries require much more healing, and they are harder to heal because of how the world behaves.

Reaching out for help, even in the form of medication, is a strength. Part of being strong is knowing your weaknesses and having respect for your limits. Your mother-in-law is flat out wrong. You do your children a service by taking medication, if it helps you feel more stable. Your kids depend on you. Why wouldn't they benefit from you being as healthy as you can be, both physically and mentally?

I have been taking anxiety medication for a few years now, and that changed my life. A couple weeks ago I started taking an anti-depressant (I have been depressed as long as I can remember). I suddenly feel so good. I am not as angry, and even though I learned something this past friday that threatened to send me into a tailspin, I managed to pull up before I crashed.

It sounds like you don't have kids yet, so don't burden yourself with the what-ifs. Focus on now. and focus on you. This what-if thinking is a diversionary tactic. You won't go crazy, because you are trying to be healthier and heal yourself. Thats a lot harder than people think.

[inspiteofmyself]

I hear you loud and clear Panda. Good for you for you and hubby finding a doctor who could understand. As has been said, there are many new drugs on the market, each with differing side effects. I've tried quite a few over the years with varying results. Find one that works and go for it. You and hubby deserve to be happy as you can be. As for the mother-in-law, tell her to butt out. I have the firm belief that anyone who denies the existance of mental illness/depression as a real illness really and truely needs a shrink. Probably more so than us, the ones who realize there's a problem within us that needs fixing. One more thing. I caught a line in your post about what if history repeats itself within your family. At times I'm so consumed by "what ifs" I completely shut down and can't go on with life. There seems to be no use in fighting anymore. When I refuse to do the "what if "thing in my mind, and focus on the immediate task at hand, (live in the now), I can at least do today and worry about tomorrow later. I've also learned to greatly limit my contact with certain "toxic" people in my life. Heres hoping all the best for you in life, you deserve it.

[lonelylife]

I don't know about medications, but I do believe it's not any of your MIL's business. Maybe the fewer details she hears the less chance she will get to try to stick her nose in your business? Also with your abuser, one question you might consider is whether he deserves to be around your future kids at all. You don't owe anyone anything especially when they tortured you. What I like to call the "rules of abuse politeness" are nonexistent. If a stranger abused you you wouldn't go hang around with them, so I think that just because someone is a relative doesn't give them some special rights once they totally do so much horrible stuff to us. Sometimes one of the best ways to show them one is not held back by them is to stay as far away from them as one can get. I know that works wonders for me--haven't seen my abuser parents in 2 yrs and wish it was longer than that. And I don't plan on seeing them again.

[panda]

Thank you all for your advise on medication. I just started it around Thanksgiving and my doc and I still haven't figured out exactly what the right combo is for me. I know my MIL should know less that way she wouldn't bug me as much, since I kept so many secrets for so long I'm on this I'm going to tell the truth now. Not good in all cases but I figured hey she's part of my family she won't really say anything. (of course I was wrong)

Also thank you for reminding me to stay in the now and worry about day to day not years from now. Its hard for me because I'm OBSESSED with planning things out and everything going accordingly but I'm trying.

I'm so glad I found you guys thanks again!!

[rabbit]

Panda:

Happy to hear back, you were on my mind.

[marry]

haven't talked to my abuser in decades and i never would have let him near my children. i really like the crutch comment!