im baaaack! ( & so are my demons)

[reisha]

oh, .... {{{BEACHLADY!!}}}}

thank you, my friend. ya always know just what (buttons to push) to say to kinda [s]kick[/s] nudge me into 'other-thot'.

who'da thunk i *need/hafta* pay my 'net bill w/in 5 days of due (if i wanna be online)!?!?!?! - argh, grr! had the damn acct for almost 3 yrs, never been late b4 - figgered like w/ phone/utils, it'd run for a coupla-a months b4 i got cut off...... nope!
sorry i havna gotten back here, or responded to emails or anything.....

i dunno, BL - getting pressure from 'eve' for rent/money/go apply for help/etc - & she's being hella snarky, arrogant (well, she's always pretty arrogant - or 'superior' - CERTAINLY, she's smarter than yer ave bear, & is quick to remind folx she was (?!) a mensa member - bully for her, mite explain why she's as isolated/lonely as she is; or maybe im projecting that last part? - but then, im nowhere as f'n ~intelligent~ as she is...) - ok, yes MOM - evwn tho it hasna even been 30 calender days since i 'lost' my stock acct, i'll go 'get a job' rite now! - she's all 'theres govt $ just waiting for you, i dont understand why ya havna already applied'; + lots of other ignorant & arrogant things. 'drilling' me on What I'm Doing, plans, etc - it very much is like ' the 'rents' hasslin a kid bout finding a summer job.

i dunno HOW to grieve - freak out, pout, feel oh-so-woe-is-me-sorry for mice elf, but actual mourning? - um, that costumes still buried in storage; otoh, also feel like thats all i been doin since forever, is grieving - er, um - experiencing losses - guess that aint quite the same thing?

im so messed up - a friend's been braggin bout havin just bot a 2nd (vacation) home in TN, for her family on a lake, for just under 400k, now needs to furish & decorate it & im bein a snarky B - cant (really) be pleased for her - her hard work, her good fortune (they owned the states largest salvage co for yrs, now retired & sittin pretty) - no, my internal monologue's more along the lines of ' oh, FINE! she can drop a cool 1/2 mil on BS fru-fru homes, when im strugglin for even a SAFE room/apt!!!! - i s'prized mice elf w/ that - knew i was in a major (weak, not strong) pissy, but wow! thats even snarkier than i usually am, snarkier than eve. & feelin like a sh*t for those thots. yeah, yeah - thots like leaves onna stream .... let em go ---- are we responsible 4 em, or are they ~*JUST*~ 'thots' - no harm, no foul?

spose im scred too - if i allow myself the tears (they come weather allowed or not!), i'll fall into a bottomless pit i wont ever get out of. i can grieve when im dead, cuz if i do it while alive, it;ll kill me - ino where my head goes w/ the allowances i do grant myself. those are dark & scary enuff. to give 'full rein' would be to also give in, give up to all my SI etc.

but you bring up an interesting cunundrum - will mention it to t t'marra

im goin w/' i need time to re-find, re-discover self & play' - been runnin hard since lost the house. & this place is safe in alotta ways, but yer rite - in sum ways not. learn how to play (craft), sleep for about 4 yrs - i am exhausted; i do know that much! - im listenin to my body in terms of eating, going outside, sleeping when i 'need' it (well, kinda/not really) - my internal clocks on saturn time or sumtin - im not sleeping normal hrs, or for long stretches, but i am sleeping - multiple naps each 24-36 hr period. eatings well...... throat still f'd up & everything hurts; or even when i am hungrey, cant think fo a damn single thing that sounds good; or, make something i think i really want, only to discover its a wrong texture/flavor. but hey! its a start?!
& besides craftings the ~only~ (other) way ino of makin $ rite now.......

ok, this took way too long to compose ....

[reisha]

so, the tension ..... or stress, or freaked out-ed-ness, or whatever - yeilds more body aches & wonkiness (bursitis in hip - VERY painful & limiting, & major 'bad mood'; other owies & whines). but its this damn ..... dunno what to call it - brain on overdrive-meltdown-burnout(?) - the 'backround voice' - litiney of 'shoulds' & 'gottas' & 'need to's' & ... ideas & plans for this/that/the other...... rinse, damp dry & repete.... over & over. i 'cant sleep' (even tho thats bout ~all~ i do) - it's like that 'twilite' sleep at the dentists, where yer still kinda there, but not really. where the street sounds & stuff get incorperated into yer thots/dreams, yer still aware of the cats traipsin over ya, the radio playin in the backround & it all jumbles together into sum kinda 'reality'-space. 'wakefulness' isna much different - gotta do laundry, 1/2 way thru sortin that, (20thousand 'gotta'shoulds' later) & then a kinda brainfart - uh, WHAT was i doin? - kinda 'come to' (reset) & oh yeah - sort laundry, think bout those 20k needs..... rinse, repete.......

gotta .... be more active (ha!) - here, & in 'reel life'.

should write up sum lesson plans or designs, schlep em round & see if i can teach summer fun sumwhere, maybe..

need to get to 'govt offices' & ' START BEGGING'' (oops - dinna mean to yell - or, maybe i did?)


& back under the covers i go.

~balancing all that, i HAVE been in a 'creative frenzy' (escapism?) of sorts - lots of 'UFO's' (unfinished objects) floatin round. - work on 1 thing for a while, then another - partly due to that 'brain overload' thing i mentioned - workin onna ... (say) black & white piece, but brains on the peacock piece..... switch to peacock, & brain darts to ..... bills, or stuff in storage ( & all the gotta-shoulds-need to's associated w/ THAT...) set down peacock - uh, what was i (gonna) doin? brain fart ... no rinse, just repete........

i hate 'living' like this! & its all my own fault, my own doing, & no one but self to 'get me out' & fukkin eves on my ass today - she KNOWS my 'schedule' is far different from hers, calls me @ 9 am - we live in the same damn house! & i 'go to bed' between 4 & 7 am of late - even when not ~all fucked up~, im a nite owl to her early bird - GRRR! & the reason she called me? - to ask a favor - can i print tix for her? - no, not forgery, shes' 'printer challenged' & *needs* printed tix for an event this WEEKEND - GRRR! ya couldna wait til im up? leave me a note? shoot me an email? Noooo.......... after the call, she cums upstairs w/ a thumbdrive (that dunna fit my one open port, i hafta pull my shit out & replug the puzzle pieces - wtf isna there a universal size for the cute lil bs plastic crap housing flash drives?!?!) & she wants to micromanage & hover & correct me & suggest 'better' ways - uh, is this YOUR puter? do ya know THIS program?, wtfs YOUR printer, bitch? d'ya want this shit printed out or not? just .... Back. The. Fuck. OFF!!!!!!! - & thats my 'feeling' towards her in pretty much any interaction lately.

towards most of the world, in general. more to say, but NEED to get her crap back to her, take a shower, go grocery shopping, do this/that/the other, & i keep meaning to be more active here too &, &, &.........

sorry. thank you.

[Beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

What - if anything - are you doing right now that doesn't feel like a have-to, like an obligation or chore, rather than something you WANT to do? Hear all sorts of should / need / must but no WANT in your post.
You sound like you're feeling very burned out and trapped, and that just saps so much energy....
I wonder if you're having trouble feeding you on an emotional as well as physical level.

There does have to be a balance of getting the necessary things done, but she is NOT helping when she pressures you like that - GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and she has no business sticking her nose in your affairs.

Sending tons of gentle hugs and rest and time on the yacht....
Love, Beachlady

[reisha]

{{beachlady!!}}

ive spent All Damn Day on puter - mostly here. need/should/hafta.... do laundry/clean room/do dishes/ deal w/ storage (hump thru boxes & bins, climb over stacks & furniture, precariously balance.... take pix, get shit online for sale) .../work on peacock/b&w piece/14 other 1/2 done craft projects.... (take pix & get this shit for sale online) - means actually FINISHING somehing! .../go to govt offices

todays thing w/ 'eve' ... a neighbor occaisionally needs rides - she told me this a wk or so ago; i called, chatted & exchanged #'s, & .....
yesterday, eve tells me dude needs ride to city, will pay $100. i call, leave message, no reply. today, eve tells me neighbor left note in door @ 7:30pm last nite, had i called em, what time, i *should* call em again - good money, (again, w/ the 'mom hassle about summer job' feel, & ino ~thats *just* me, but....) - that was a coupla- hrs ago eve 'hasseled' me bout it - ive yet to call the dude......
& yes, i see the self sabatoge in this. otoh - i also dont wanna be a pest, if the dude dunna want me as driver.... so, issues w/in issues w/ this one, & just wanna hide under blankies.

not sure i understand the feeding self comment - & pretty sure its a 'duh' type question any idjit *should* be able to answer, & .... pretty sure im failin at that too - do know im not 'eating' well - still havna gone to dr bout (lingering/leftover) throat isues - *need* to pay off LAST round of plusersy/pneumonia/lung crud b4 gearing up anopther round-a dr bills.... dont EVEN wanna deal w/ any-a my ('physical') health issues - thats ... a different/other/ (more 'mature'?) level of coping than i can cope w/ rite now, sad lol.

[there]

reisha,
I have ALLwAZE thought of you as extrEEEEEmly intelligent and crEE8iv, oh, an i know u r talented, too.
i have been reading all through this, dear reisha, and just want you to know I am thinking and feeling with you.

[Beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hey, dear friend, you are "shoulding" on yourself as well as I do!!! Sounds like you're doing what I do too about having a huge list and getting paralyzed by it... can you spend some time assessing and breaking it down? And build in "rewards" for yourself, like "OK, today is laundry, and once that is done I get to have a good iced coffee or something and go for some time at the ocean"???

Most respectfully, Eve needs a new hobby . GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. She needs to butt out and treat you like a grown up. You did call, and yes, there may be some "I'mnot gonna and you can't make me" at work, but - he's a grown up too and could have called again.

The feeding yourself question is what are you doing that fills your emotional / spiritual / mental "fuel tanks" so that you have the reserves of patience, energy, etc to deal with the stress and let yourself breathe..... is there anything you are / can be doing to get out of survival panic, even for a few minutes??

You are about the FARTHEST person I know from being an idjit. You are smart and witty and tenacious and strong and you are not failing - you are just in the middle of a room full of s*** and trying to look for the pony

Wrapping you up in warmth and caring and love and support, dear friend.
Love, Beachlady

[reisha]

LOST MY POST, AGAIN - argh!

{{THERE!!}} thank yo SOO much for your kind words & encouragement - means the world to me.

{{BEACH!!}} - wow. im gonna hafta think bout that - embroidery & reading for 'self', (w/ 'shoulds' loud in background)

'SIM not present' - only message last few days on puter - LONG calls to provider (misdirected, disconnected, rerouted, transfered, on hold, ....) - getting a new battery in mail, & got a trip to the f'd part-a town where ther streets are all wrong way/deadend-start-again-3-dog-legs-later to store for new SIM card, only to find out lil hotspotrouterbox is defective & can buy one on 20 month installment plan, or wAIT TIL NEXT MONTH, (soory!) WHEN ELIGLBLE FOR FREE UPGRADE ... SO, (dammit - sorry!) (as usual), am bubble string & shoe gummed together here.......

been also to 3 'govt' offices (where i can make an appt for an appt - 6 wks out!), & 2 'homeless help' places (one MUCH more helpful than other), & have aps to fill out (no triplicates?!), & pprs to read thru, & stuff to figger out, & pprwk to find & submit, & stuff i have no idea how to answer/explain, & .... just wanna hide under the blankies ( & will soon) - i may still have TooMuchCrap (assets) - or, have not been destitute long enuff. & its mostly the housing thats the big prob - there ... just ... aint ... any, & since eve is/was willing to take rent, i may be 'trapped' here - depending on how i ~frame~ things ......

[Beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH to all the computer problems on top of all the red tape bamboozled beuracratic BS you're having to wade through. But I'm noticing your strength / resilience / humor despite all of it....

You're doing a LOT. You're working through what has to happen and what the priorities are. And it's sooooooo hard and frustrating when so much of what happens is beyond your control and depending on other people's criteria of what "need" is.

I think spending some time under the blankies is absolutely essential. You HAVE to be able to have some down time - some degree of respite / rest / comfort / fuel for those tanks - to keep dealing with all this survival stress. And to find / build / keep any sort of hope or perspective.

Sending tons of love,
Beachlady

[reisha]

thank you, my friend - cryin so bad, shakin - did 'check out' today - Just. Couldna. Deal. made a coupla-a phone calls, poked the web & - or, maybe that was the wee hrs of last nite/this am? main place (in 3d) im dealin w/ - (aside from govt offices, which are on hold until i get clear on how im backing my claims) - lets call this attny/advocate/KID (but, he's listed as attny - looks to be 11 or 12....) oh, i dunno .... 'adam' (since 'eve' is my only other 3d interaction human - the other life forms are all cats & insects.... & we wanna keep cohesiveness here....) - is my sarcasm dripping yet? have i sucessfully weaved & deflected? has my bitterness & cynicsm slipped? is my hopeless helplessness showing? am i angry? dejected, beyond sad, frustrated, self punishing, etc, etc, etc - well yes - duh! & rest dont cum easy, cuz theres too much stress a7 fear & runnin & battlin neg self stuff & self advocasy & care & $ (not!) & this&that&everythingelse AllOverEverywhere & my brain wont shut off & & & ... well, yano all the SOS......

im hangin on by 1/2 a fingernail, here, beach - so please know yer probly to blame for keepin alive t'nite -;~p thank yu.

[Beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Selfishly perhaps, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad you are alive. I love you. You matter.
You ARE taking your steps, my friend.
You are looking and evaluating and thinking and asking all those HUGE questions (as you always do, you are one of the deepest thinkers I know)....
YES, you're justifiably angry, heartbroken, sad, exhausted, depleted, frustrated, and yes, taking it out on yourself.
And yet, you are still fighting, maybe in spite of yourself, but that spark is there.
I am glad you have attorney junior I hope he can help sort how to back claims and do paperwork and take some of that burden from you.
Wrapping you up in the hugest warmest softest of hugs.
Tons of love, Beachlady