Hiding All The Time

[Redisfinallyfree]

LOVING AND LONGING to be outside
Yet always hiding away from judgmental eyes.

Craving contact and people to know
Yet hiding away to escape the judgment flow.

Dreaming of being accepted and wanted as a friend,
Yet hiding away in fear that I’ll be rejected yet again.

Wanting to soar, to see myself fly
Yet hiding away, dreading my fall from the sky.

Desiring to speak out, to make my voice heard,
Yet afraid of backlash drowning out every single word.

Longing to paint colored pictures from me,
Yet hiding away, too afraid of hurtful words should anyone ever see.

Needing to write, to let my words flow,
Yet hiding away, afraid there’s nowhere for them to go.

Hiding away for as long as I can remember,
All the year long, January through December.

So tired of hiding the best parts of myself,
Yet so afraid to discover they’re better left on the shelf.

Hiding and fear have been in charge for a very long time.
But need to be seen, heard, and known has suddenly grown.

Taking down some good items from that old dusty shelf,
And replacing them with fears that are not my real self.

Little by little I’m making that trade,
Wanting to get my best parts out of the dusty shade.

Slowly making room inside of my own aching heart
To accept and love myself, including my broken parts.

Getting a little bit braver as the days go by,
Looking up more and more at my future sky.

The benefits from my hiding have never come to me.
It’s time to let the world observe me as I am being me.

Each day going forward, I will go out of hiding for a little while.
I will feel the warm sunshine, breathe the fresh air, and then I will smile.

I will search deep inside myself and find the wholesome love that’s there.
Then I will think up ways to give my love and show it everywhere.

I will remember living like that as the child that I used to be
Before their hatred made me hide the very best bits of me.

Then I will release those hidden best parts for all the world to see,
Letting them evermore run completely and exuberantly free.

I can hardly wait to experience this life when lived unhidden and free,
When I’m being every single little bit of everything that makes me ME.


Thanks for listening.
Redisfinallyfree

[Paper]

Yes!! Inside I’m jumping and cheering for you, Redisfinallyfree. I’m so glad you’re emerging from hiding. You deserve air, sun, and love. You deserve to smile and be free.

[Oceantide]

Love this!

[Scars]

((((( redisfinallyfree )))))

YES. Hiding is another coping mechanism that helped us survive, made us feel safe, but turns into a prison for us when it's no longer needed. I am on a similar quest to be ME with the people I love. It isn't easy, but I know there are great rewards in the trying.

I love this poem. I am cheering you on. You mean a lot to me.
So glad our paths met here on Isurvive. Getting to know you has enriched my life.

<3 scars

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you Paper and Oceantide.

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you Scars. I’m glad that you’ve decided to be YOU with the people you love. You deserve to be free and happy.

Now for the hard part. In the second half of your response to me you said: “XXXX You mean a lot to me. XXXX Getting to know you has enriched my life.” (XXXX = words that did not trigger)

These words scared me and triggered fear in me. They made me afraid of being thought of as entertaining. Enriching your life COULD mean that I make you laugh at me. I’m sorry. But that is the truth of how those words made me feel. I’m sure that it has nothing to do with YOU and everything to do with other people whom I’ve trusted and later realized were actually just laughing at me. My mother used to sometimes tell me that I “mean a lot” to her so I guess those words are poisonous to me now. I can’t remember anyone but her saying them to me until now.

I’m wrestling with myself about deleting this but I’m not letting myself do that. I think you’re nothing like my mother. I think you’re a gifted comforter for people. You post the most comforting and compassionate words here and I’ve been helped so much by you. I’ve come to trust you. So, I have to risk alienating you by being honest about how those words made me feel when you wrote them. I hope I’m not hurting you. I’m almost crying as I write this.

Redisfinallyfree

[Scars]

Dear Redisfinallyfree,

I'm sorry the words I used were triggering to you. Sometimes I say too much, go to far.
I'm glad you didn't delete your reply.
I am definitely NOT laughing at you or behind your back.
This forum is the first time I have known other people who face similar challenges to mine.
I feel like people here know me better than my friends or family. I feels like a friendship.

I just want your friendship, nothing more.

scars

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you Scars. You didn’t do anything, and I really mean ANYTHING wrong. I wasn’t nearly crying when I responded to you because of anything you said. I was nearly crying because of fear of hurting you and alienating you. I’m so, so sorry that the cruelty of others made your word choice triggering for me. I didn’t really believe that you meant them the bad way but bad memories and fear of trusting again were louder and I needed confirmation to silence the fears. I don’t think that you go too far or say too much. I’ve been thinking that you and others here feel more like friends than people I’ve known “in person”. But my feelings have mislead me in the past and I’m afraid of trusting them now. I used to trust so quickly and easily when people were nice to me, but I only really made acquaintances rather than friends. How could I really be friends with people who refused to listen to the truth about me? My childhood “friends” liked my abusers and didn’t believe me when I tried to tell them about some of the cruel things they’d done to me. I hung on to the last two of those childhood friends for more than forty years before I’d had enough and decided to let go forever because it was better to be alone than to have friends who took my mother’s side every time. This is the only place I’ve found that people believe me because they’ve experienced similar things. Yet, even with all of that, as much as I want to trust that the kindness is real, I’m still scared that it might not be real. I had to share that fear because it’s the only way I know to take the power away from it. I’m learning to do different things when I am upset or anxious or scared and it is making a very real difference for me. I’m so sick of being afraid. I was braver in a lot of ways before I learned I am an abuse survivor than I have been since then. I have been more afraid because I learned that I have been wrong about so much of my life and so many things that I’d believed to be true. It was very unsettling to realize how many lies I had believed in order to survive. Things improved rapidly after cutting ties with the last of my “friends” and “family”. Once they were all gone, I was free to think and feel and process the truth of everything I’d lived through. So, now I’m looking at what I did then and the results and am trying to do new things that give me different and better results. I can’t say that I completely “Knew” what you would say, but, I can say that I only doubted you a little bit. You and others here make me feel like I’ve always thought friends should but never really did. I always felt like I had to be perfectly pleasing to them rather than being honest about how their actions made me feel. I’m probably making a huge mess of this response. So, I’ll finish by saying that friendship with you sounds very good to me.
Redisfinallyfree

[Scars]

((((( Redisfinallyfree )))))

Here is what I heard you say: I was abused as a child. It really messed up my mind. I was taught not to trust my emotions. I believed lies, and I'm just now strong enough to realize it and beginning to challenge them and find the truth. It's uncomfortable for me to trust other people, it still feels dangerous. I am learning to take care of myself and speak up for myself, but it is hard to do.

Here's my response (without being gushy): We have so much in common, and we seem to be on the same path at the same time. I hope you are proud of yourself and recognize how far you have come, because it is kind of a miracle. We must be alive for some reason that we do not know yet. I want to walk this path with you as long as we both benefit from each other's company.

your friend,
<3 scars

p.s. I wish this forum had a way to send private messages, because this is just for you. Another forum that I am on does. I keep coming back to this one because of the massive amount of support and input from other travelers here.

[Redisfinallyfree]

((((((( Scars )))))))

You’re a good listener. You heard me correctly. You do that a lot.

You said that you hope that I am proud of myself and that I recognize how far I have come. I am and I do. I can’t believe how far I have come in such a short amount of time. I also share your belief that we “must be alive for some reason that we do not know yet”. I’ve been believing that about myself and saying that to my husband and kids for quite some time now. I have this feeling that I am still going up in life rather than sliding down even though current circumstances seemingly disagree. I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now. My life is perfect right now for my healing process. I see the miracle of my progress and cannot help thinking that there is a purpose for that. I am enjoying walking this path with you too and hope I can be as beneficial to you as you have been to me.

Redisfinallyfree

P.S. I too have frequently wished since I joined isurvive that private messaging was available here.