Survival

[nelson]

I lie to myself.
T tries to be PC.
Dr tries to be PC.
Nurse tries to be PC.

Its all lies.

The world lies.

I am able to do anything without question.

I have no morality.

I am part of a sick world.


n

[misc]

dear nelson,

like the others have said you have already survived..

i so wish i could help take away your pain..
its so easy to say, keep strong, take a step at a time..
i have been there when i felt i just couldnt go any further..
but i had to, for my children, most important, for me..

it isnt easy, does it ever get any easier, i cant answer that..
but some days are definatley better and brighter than others..
when it is once again dark and without hope..i try to remember these days,

i punish myself daily..why, because the self-hatred never leaves me..
but i am making more of an effort to reach out for support when i can..

you must try to do this too..
you so deserve it all. you are so worth it nelson..
please try to be kind to yourself, even if you dont think you deserve it..
reach out.
morality.. that is for you to choose..only you can decide that one..
but i feel you have so much good in you, i wish you can see it too..

much safe hugs ((nelson))

[Harmony]

nelson,

Just one quick question? Do you honestly deep down want to be evil, lack moral compass and hurtful? If you do then they (the abusers) won. If you don't want to be that way but still act that way that is different. Then there is hope for your recovery from abuse. If you simply desire to hurt yourself and others and think that is just ok that is different than NOT wanting to be/do that and still not able to do better...

yet.

warm support for your healing as always,
Harmony

[nelson]

I wish these thoughts did not enter my mind.
I am a human with lots of troubles and lots of faults.
I have not been able to separate the good from the bad.
They are all mixed together so thats how I act.
Good and bad. Bad and good.
I am losing control again.
I'm sorry again.
Shame for all the help you are giving and my inability to
that it all in. n

[Harmony]

n,

We are all human and flawed here. You are just one more of us. You are cared about exactly as you are right now. Do the best you can and stay safe.

warmly as ever,
Harmony

[nelson]

I have been in contact with Jonesy.

I don't know if I will survive.
I don't know if I want to survive.
My heart is black and I think it will stay that way.

Nothing left.
n

[ajei]

Hi Nelson,

Sorry that things seem so bleak right now. Your heart may feel black but I see chinks of light when I see your words to others. Please keep reaching out and let us support you. Don't give up, you are important to everyone here.

ajei

[facingmytruth]

I often ask myself how will i survive and some days i cant find the answer but otber days i know i will because i wont allow my abusers to win,why should they take away the future too? Listeni.g and u.derstanding.

[Harmony]

Dear nelson,
If you wish here are a few things helpful for my own dark days:

In life there are no guarantees.
Sometimes things are one step forward two back. Healing isn't perfectly linear.
Life is not always fair. Life is not always unfair
The surest bet to your recovery is you own desire to be otherwise. The only way out of darkness is through it.
This too will pass.
You have the capacity for change. You have come so far in change already.

Despair is awful. Most survivors here are very familiar with despair. I guess that makes you normal for a CSA survivor.
Lets sit together and slowly move to a more comfortable normal.
That is what the experience of healing is all about.

with you for the long haul,
Harmony

hope this was helpful. if you need further hep call for crisis support

[Anystasia]

Hi Nelson,

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. I understand how it feels not to want to survive. It is so hard to keep going when we are suffering. Please hang in there, and please reach out to someone who can help keep you safe if you feel that you can't. You are important and we care about you. You are not alone.
Sending support and safe hugs if ok, and I am here listening.
Please take care of yourself.

Sincerely,
Any