Question for survivors

[mydha]

I experienced pro-longed complex trauma involving physical and emotional, and possibly sexual abuse from childhood. My father is a vicar and I think very likely a narcissist. I am concerned about my own vulnerable narcissistic tendencies. Is anyone else aware of their own narcisstic wounds? How do you heal? How do you deal with it and get better? I fear that I am beyond help. The abuse started so early and was completely denied for so long. And I experienced so many compounding insults afterwards. I don't know how to let go of the pain and I fear that this is leaving me stuck in victimhood, partly because certain memories remain unclear and so I don't know how to accept and move on, partly because I experience intrusive flashbacks, partly because my relational blueprints are so messed up I can't function well in the real world. Chronic suicidality has become such an ingrained and repetitive pattern I am not sure my brain will ever stop producing such ideas. Sorry, this has just turned into rambling. I really just want to know if anyone can relate... I feel so alone and so horribly pathological. I am so scared of hurting others or taking advantage, or doing good things for all the wrong reasons, and so tired of feeling disconnected from everyone and afraid of them/ but somehow envious and angry at the same time. I want to let go and move on and relate in healthy ways but I don't know how to... What do people think? Does anyone else have fears/awareness of their own vulnerable narcissism? (I am definitely not grandiose/exploitative. I am deeply afraid of these behaviours but I can see victimhood and vulnerable narcissistic traits)

[joyagain]

I feel so unqualified to respond, but nevertheless feel compelled to, so please take all of what I say as just another human being who can to some degree relate and empathize and wishes to be of some benefit to lighten you of even a smidgin of emotional pain so you might believe in yourself and feel better.

To get right to the point, I do not think you'd be aware at all and be here asking if you were so fixed into a narcissistic pattern that there was no hope. Then, I would say that it's a journey of many steps, sometimes one at a time, and a commitment to walk this path of yours of self-awareness and healing. I imagine those two points could be said of any one here on the forum seeking community, support and healing - I hope so anyways.

And, a final point, I would do my darnedest to be kind to myself and trust myself no matter how damaged I believe I am, and then seek help and support, professional in particular, but also otherwise, among those whom believe that you can trust yourself to walk that journey and heal. And that is a kindness to yourself.

Joyagain