STRONG

[Oceantide]

Oh, wow, scars nailed it ("you are a force of positive energy"). And she's so right. If you could see how other see you, Redisfinallyfree!

I can’t imagine how others see me. The idea is intimidating.
I’ll hold onto the idea that it’s a good thing sometimes. That would be nice.

For me it's a good thing always, a beautiful presence. And always surprising, creative, energetic, growing, and above all, STRONG!

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you, Oceantide. Thank you Scars. Thank you Earthhorse. Thank you everyone who has praised and encouraged me since I joined isurvive.

I posted an inadequate response last night but came back and deleted it so I could think it through better. This is my second try.

Your words of praise for me are beautiful but were a sort of shock to my system. I wish they could sink in. The wonderful things people say about me here make me feel a bit guilty, like I should be living a more interesting life and DOING more in the world. My difficulty lies in the fact that the way that you see me does not match the way my family sees me. They love me and know of my healing journey, but they’ve lived with me and the effects of my abuse all of our lives together. Since last April, my full time “job” has been my healing journey. I feel like I’ve seen the end of the deep dark tunnel and am in a full sprint toward the light since I first realized that I am an abuse survivor. Since April, I’ve spent most days writing and making connections between abuse and its effects on my current life and family and HEALING. I am in a hurry to be free from the anchor that has been weighing me down all my life, so, they haven’t seen a lot of me. They all know why and seem to be okay with it so long as I cook dinner and keep a full pantry and do the dishes now and then. And, don’t talk overmuch to THEM about it all.

There have been such great changes on the inside where my opinion of me lives. But I don’t know how much of that my family is able to see yet. It is easier for them to talk to me now and they are talking to me more frequently. But I still slip into bad habits. Even though I am quicker to catch my slips and correct myself, they are cautious to trust me completely. Seeing is believing, you know. I taught them that trust is earned. I have to SHOW them that the changes are real. First though, I have to show me. I want to DO different things. Part of that is because I’m afraid that if nothing in my daily activities changes, then it will mean that nothing has really changed at all. That’s just fear telling lies again. Even if I change absolutely nothing about my day to day life, if I am HAPPY, then we all still win.

I think it’s most important that I BELIEVE that I can do different and better things before I rush out to try, risking disappointment before I’m securely standing on real, firmly established self-confidence. I still feel a bit fragile and wobbly but I’m getting there. Thank you all for believing in me and for encouraging me along my way. You are all amazing and so beautiful. I hope I can do and have done some helping and encouraging for all of you too.

Love,
Redisfinallyfree

[Scars]

((((((((((((( Redisfinallyfree )))))))))))))))
You are getting to where you want to be.

[earthhorse]

Redisfinallyfree,

I don't know all of your story, or what you have been dealing with with family. I do know the extraordinary amounts of strength and sheer energy it takes to process any traumatic experiences which have shaped and held so much control over ones life until now.

I think for me, what triggered the processing, was finally getting to a really safe place to live. My system was just ready for it, and I have been in this period of intensive processing. Rapid repair, but also exhausting all consuming pain and terror. On the outside, I am actually barely functioning, but I am working so, so hard. I have had to learn to become so, so strong.

I don't know what, or who ,I will be after this. I don't.

Sometimes being so shut down in trauma work/ putting the pieces back together, can be terrifying. "maybe this will never change, maybe I will always be this way?"

Yet I do see things changing around me in the relations with people I love, I feel I am becoming far more relaxed, far more gentle. I have come too to understand - wound so tight and so full of horrors - I did the best I could. And it wasn't bad considering, even though of course I wasn't perfect. I think perhaps you can give yourself a bit of forgiveness too. It doesn't mean you have to excuse past behavior you would prefer not to act out, or act out. Just understanding the reasons why, what happened to you. Just understanding that people are vulnerable when they are transforming, as much as a butterfly is when emerging from the chrysalis. We can only really do it in the rarefied climate of compassion.

I think it's weird, sometimes families are the last ones to see a person change, to recognize it, to see their strength.

Sending you total acceptance.

Love,
EH

[Redisfinallyfree]

Thank you, Earthhorse. Very well said. I relate to so much of what you wrote here. Thank-you.

Redisfinallyfree

[Benjamin]

Beautiful lines.