Him

[Flifflo]

He took me down with him. He was falling and he grabbed me by the hand so sweetly and invitingly and he yanked me down into the abyss with him. To fend for myself. Because he was gone then. And I was alone. Utterly alone and scared and defenseless against the monsters. I had no idea what had just happened to me. The only thing I could do was hide. I was gone. Tucked away. Hidden inside a fantasy world. Sent into a life full of fantasies and nightmares.

He used me and discarded me. He made me believe that’s how boys are and that’s what they want and if I wanted a boy to like me that’s what I would have to give them. And even then they would most likely just discard me. So I had to try not to care.

He stole my soul. He made me feel like I needed to hide my light. Like I should be ashamed of it. He took my innocence and my trust and made me full of fear. He made me a different person. I want her back. The person who I really was. Who I should be.

[coconuts]

Sad for you. For that girl who was and could have been. Sometimes I feel as if I died that first day. And a different me was created. What would the first version have been like? I sense should would have been happier. More optimistic. More enamored with the wonders of the world.

[Flifflo]

Ahhh good to hear from you coconuts. I’ve talked to several victims of sa (not csa) who feel the same way. Like something was stolen from them and they want that person they were back. I think it’s easier for people who were adults when it happened to access how they feel about it. It’s so hard for those of us who were so little as we didn’t even understand what was happening to us. And then there’s the whole bizarre memory loss thing that compounds it. I’ve only just started being able to access my little one and put words to her feelings. She didn’t know any of this. She just reacted. Mostly by going away. It makes me teary right now just saying that (boy have I shed a LOT of tears lately. It’s like they are never going to stop!) I feel like she is just now timidly coming out of the corners and letting me see her.

It’s funny, I’ve always had cats that I really loved. The ones I felt strongly connected with and I believe they have felt the same, were the extremely skittish, scared ones. It’s like I recognized something in them that was in me. I’ve only recently realized this among like a million other things I’ve only recently realized .

Anyway, like my therapist said, that little girl who I was is still there. I believe the same is true for you coconuts. She can just be so hard to get to because we locked her up or tucked her away. Scared and ashamed of her. But it wasn’t her fault or her shame. I didn’t even know I was ashamed of her. When my therapist would say I didn’t need to be I would think “I don’t think I’m ashamed” but I was. I know that now. Little me just didn’t have the words. I guess.

I’m still struggling and going through LOTS of change and learning to be my own champion (I call myself Stands with a Fist now ) but it keeps getting better. This is me speaking for my little. Thanks for listening.

Flifflo

[there]

Flifflo,
'he made me feel like I needed to hide my light'.
wow, i never put that together in my life. maybe more than one person, more than in childhood, too.
wanting who you sgould be back...I get that, too.
It's possible.
Not knowing it was shame...the great silencer.
Good that you are getting to know the little girl you were.

[Flifflo]

Hello there,

Yeah the light. My shine, sparkle whatever you want to call it. I think that’s what they try to take. But they can’t really take it, I guess. It’s still there, but hidden. From everyone else but then from us too. Trying not to be afraid to shine again. Working on it.

And trying to embrace all my little people. I talk to them now when I’m feeling fear. It helps. I comfort them. I’ve never done this before. I didn’t know they were there. But they are.

I hope you are well there, good to hear from you. It always feels good to be understood.

[there]

Flifflo,
I'm working on not being afraid to shine, too!

[Flifflo]

That’s great there!! It’s hard work! I’m here with you. Supporting you.

Flifflo

[Byby]

Beautiful poem, dear!