Closure by Confronting

[Magpie]

Hi all, just some thoughts I’ve had recently I’ve been going through the anger stage which has cropped up again, and not taking it out on anyone or myself, but just feel like eventually through this process I might feel
Different later, but feel like the only way for me to get closure will be to confront my abuser.

I understand I may never get answers about what happened, but I think it would be more me standing up for myself and being heard and standing up for what is right.

I want to ask them “why did you trick me into making me touch you and kiss you?” “ why did you never apologise, when you know what you did was wrong?” “You made me feel used, abused, betrayed and you took away a trust and femininity from me, my first chance to have intimate contact with someone, and you made me play a game, a game I didn’t realise was a game to take innocence from me, like a thief in the shadows”.

Will this all help? Is it best to just let it go?

I’m still unsure about this for the future.

[Harbor]

Hi Magpie

Congratulations on moving through recovery!

I won't give you advice on your situation, but I may be able to guide you to make a decision that works for you:


Ask yourself what you wish to get out of this encounter, and then evaluate how likely this person is to participate in a satisfactory manner.

Are there any answers to these questions that would be satisfactory to you?

Are you hoping for a satisfactory apology? How will you respond if you don't get one, and will you be proud of how you handled it?

Is it likely that the abuser respond in some way that will upset you, and can you be ready to respond in a way you will be proud of?

Is there something that you would like to say to your abuser that you will feel good about, regardless of his reply?

Can you come up with a scenario that will bring you comfort, but is not dependent on your abuser behaving like a decent person?

I'm asking you to ask yourself these not to discourage you, but to help you shape your own expectations. Depending on your situation, you may be able to distill an interaction down to something that you have complete control over, and that meets your needs.

[solana]

wow, what a brave step you are considering!

you certainly deserve to be heard, and standing up for yourself and for what is right is honorable.

sounds like you are already prepared for the possibility that you may not get the response you're looking for, which i think is important.

i can't speak from much experience, as i did a lot of running away, but i did confront my abuser's enabler. i was shot down, met with denial, anger, avoidance. it crushed (what was left of) my relationship with that person. but, i no longer see that as a bad thing. it gave me the confirmation i needed that they were not a valuable person in my life. for me, this realization was better for my sanity than continuing to pretend that nothing was wrong.

here with you, supporting whatever decision you make.

[Magpie]

Thank you for your support guys,

I will take my time in thinking about what I want out of any said conversation, and yes ask myself lots of questions before doing so. I discovered recently it seems for me and I know sounds a little selfish, just the act of standing up for myself calmly maybe one day, will be enough for me to clear some of the negative self esteem I have for myself.

It would be a big step, and one I would have hopefully prepared for. It’s strange I feel like I’d be standing up not just for me but for lots of people with similar experiences in doing so, as a collective. Standing up for what is right and having a voice. Asking the difficult questions I guess.

I also find that part of my drive to confront or at least ask questions is that my abuser is still showing signs of (not sexual) but in other ways trying to manipulate and is so so selfish in there ways. If they were a more humble, understanding person I think I would be more forgiving if that makes sense. I guess there behaviour still gives me cause for concern (not sexual) or at least the need to manipulate or get attention, narcissism is still there.

Can I give you an example to see what you think,(if anyone thinks I’m being unreasonable or paranoid I’d appreciate the honest insight):

I have no reason whatsoever to believe that my abuser is continuing any type of abuse with others or that they are a threat. Like I mentioned myself and my family do not see them much, but in a recent conversation, they mentioned (and this is not the first time) that my offspring (sorry to use that word, just didn’t want to give too much detail) do not say hello or goodbye to them. I don’t feel the need to force them to greet them if they don’t want to.

Am I looking into this too much or as I see it is it a form of attention seeking or manipulation? It gets to me right in the pit of my stomach that they request that the greeting is made.

I will keep you posted.

Love & Light x

[solana]

that's a good question you bring up.

i am a strong believer that children should never be forced to interact with anyone, family or not. i cannot comment on whether or not the request was intentionally manipulative. i can understand why you might feel like you're being paranoid over what seems like a harmless greeting. but the way i see it, regardless of the intention, forcing a child to greet someone else, especially an adult or family member, teaches them that their wishes don't matter, they don't have the right to say no, and they have to obey whatever is asked of them even if they're uncomfortable. it sets them up to be hurt or taken advantage of, not necessarily by the person they were forced to greet, but by anyone they come across in life.

that's my two cents. stick with your gut.


edited once for spelling

[Magpie]

Indeed, thanks again.