still going on

[VAC]

Hello,

Long absence....was able to travel many miles to comfort an old friend whose wife died a few months ago. He asked for my wife and I to come, as he wanted to take a trip and wanted us to come with him.

She was very much a true sister to my wife and I, and we spent time and holidays with them as often as possible. She had a disease so rare she was the only person in the country to have had it. The doctors had to give it a name when she passed.

We flew in one day and got in his car the next day and drove for two weeks all over three states.....he drove and cried and talked and laughed, and we rode and cried and talked and laughed. We ate at their favorite restaurants and stayed where they stayed. We had mutual friends, and got to reconnect with people I had not seen in 20 years.

Had the honor of a full escort by a biker club as we drove through the capital city of one state...still smiling. They were in front of us, beside us, and behind us.

It was an honor to be asked to come and to accompany this friend on this journey.

He is planning to come and spend time with us over the holidays; again, we will talk, and cry, and laugh. My children have known them for 20 years, and I want them to come and see him.

It is good to have real friends.

They know all of our business and walked us through the terrible times with our daughter, constant calls, letters and gifts of encouragement, totally honest prayers.

Everyone says dying is normal, the "circle of life": I will never get used to it.

I am ok. Life has been very occupied. Have decisions to make that are adventurous for a man my age.

lately have had sleep filled with dreams that are like mental diarrhea. I honestly think that stubborness is about half my problem. The other is that I have not adapted well to physical limitations, but don't know that I am supposed to. I still have fight left in me and have had the pleasure of getting out some this Summer before it got so beastly hot....


.....still in 90's here during day.

I have thought of you all on here the past few days. My most trusted T has moved back into the country....friends for over 30 years. I look forward to reconnecting with him face to face.

He is the most gifted T I have ever known.

I want to thank all those who give their lives for this site, and for those who post bravely and thoughtfully.

This has been a long ride together.

Thanks.....would love to be able to one day all sit together and visit.

VAC.

[Fleur]

Hello VAC


Thank you for sharing about a very special journey

Death is something we never will be comfortable occurring. I know that for some as you quoted "circle of life" but I cannot think in those terms

Really happy for you that you enjoyed the summer. Seems like autumn is yet to properly arrive if 90s are your usual daytime temperatures

An older relative once commented that he didn't know how to act his age - he had only just turned 80 but still felt much younger. He mentioned as did you about discovering physical limitations

One day, we shall rise as eagles and run with the wind, carefree .......

May your family and friend reunite later in the year to reminisce and make new memories


Much caring

[VAC]

Hello,

Long absence. Hope everyone is ok.

Remembered more on this last trip.

Glimmerings.

Will share later,

VAC

[Fleur]

Hello VAC


Lovely to see your name

Sending peaceful thoughts your way

[VAC]

twice I have written long posts to have them deleted.....won't try this again.

VAC

[Fleur]

Hello VAC


Really annoying when we lose posts

Can you write in another format then paste here?

Wishing you very well in every respect

[VAC]

Hello,

Long time with thoughts of sharing some things that came out on trip. I was not driving. We passed through rapidly changing scenery, almost whole different biospheres.

As I rode and watched, I flashbacked to what I used to consider sleep. I would lay on my back, and close my eyes, and I was in a car, driving fast, with the whole world rushing by, sometimes in color, sometimes in black and white, sometimes is green.

I also remembered how normal it was for my dad to do something to try and hurt me and pretend it was an accident.....I suppose it is normal for his level of dysfunction.

He was my enemy.

I am going through a cycle of "needing to forgive" again. I am so disappointed in my mother as well.l

I am well. We are still doing clean up from hurricane.

Peace and love to you all...

VAC

[Harmony]

Hi VAC,
I wasn't aware you were badly affected by the hurricane. So glad you and yours survived one more event. Life is certainly not fair nor predictable. I send you support for the clean up inside and out.

with care,
Harmony

[Fleur]

Here with you VAC


Sending energy for al you need and choose to complete



Much caring

[VAC]

Hello,

I am a creature of habit, and like things to go smoothly.....due to the way we were forced to live when it was totally unnecessary, I am somewhat freakish about things being in order.

Some atypical responses from me of anger and frustration.....it does not behoove me to be ruled by anger physically or emotionally.

I often used to watch people do things that were totally "not them".....I realized even as a kid, they were not themselves and would "be back" in a bit.

Going to speak with a T soon. He has not been well.

I am moved to anger easily, not rational or suitable in most cases. In nearly 40 years of marriage, my wife has only heard me raise my voice three or four times and then it was not directed towards her.

The humiliation I was forced to as a kid and inevitable ways I punished myself for it......I am so sorry for it all. I honestly try to hate my folks. I am very disappointed. I have remembered some strange things.

My mom so wanted to leave my dad. He was a ball of confusion. She tried to have a normal life and to raise me with some dignity, but I know she knew, and I know she knew his later activities, and I know he put her in an early grave.

I was probably three or four. Mother had beautiful clothes she never wore. She worked. The social contacts my dad insisted on keeping were not her cup of tea. One very hot day, she went through her closet and got out a sun suit.


She was well-educated and traveled. She was in her later thirties. She put this sun suit on. I knew as a little kid this was part of her past.


We walked in sweltering heat for a long time. She did not talk much. We walked down a railroad track on the edge of town.

Then we walked back.

I never saw this sun suit again until she was dead and I had to go through her things.

I am glad vengeance belongs to God and not to me.

How do you explain a woman who wanted to run, but was too dignified to do so, but ran in her heart? She buried herself.

There is so much I could say....so much screwed up stuff no body needs to hear.

I feel like I am flushing a toilet these last few days, actually a couple of months. It does me no good to run through these things. One of the things my dad used to do to me when I was little was to rub my face in my own waste. My mom knew he did it.

It is hard in my heart. When I was younger, I was a slave to being fit. I was an attention getter and I knew it. But in my heart of hearts I believed it was all I had, all I was worth, and all I had to offer.

I have not had to face these things on this level in a long time.

Mourning for lives never lived, and lives wasted: lives twisted.

I remember one time when i had pee'd on the floor and saw my dad coming and got down and rubbed my own face in it. I do that to myself in my heart.


The power of love is stronger in me than hate.....I am desperately sorry. I have received forgiveness and so want to forgive others. I try not to love, but I remember the good things as well. How my dad hated his own soul!


He used to scream he wished he had never been born. He only did this in front of me as far as I know.


Don't worry about me....this is cathartic. I have just had to accept how messed up my dad was....he ran from himself his whole life, he was consumed by CSA himself, and was in combat in Europe during WWII when he was teenager. He had PTSD. He was a wild boy who never grew up and was rejected his whole life. I know many things about him I do not say.

He was a conflicted monster.


This is enough. I am journaling here now out of my inner man. I am weary, but i will be ok.