Am I really what he says

[Halfheart]

Hi guys
My issue is I grab my husband when we in fight to say please don't go after he had threatened to divorce me. This is not the first that we have had this kind of fight it's the 3rd now he is calling me a abuser. He knows most of my past trama. I am really what he says I am. I was phycology physical emotionaly abused by my father and then was molested when I was 7 by great uncle and raped by a friend at 23. Now my husband says he is probably going to divorce me because feels like I have ignore all the help he has tried to give me which is not true I just haven't progress as much as he would like. Any thing would help on what to do to make him understand

[Harmony]

Dear Halfheart,

You deserve support. You deserve a qualified person to help you understand you part and your husbands part in "things". What really helped us was first me getting the help I needed to understand and cope with my trauma past. Then we added in my husband to sessions. He's got issues. I've got issues. It takes a third person to help sort it out in my opinion. What you chose to do is up to you.

Remember no one asks to have the histories we all have here. Trauma creates a huge impact on future life. To ignore it is not helpful nor fair. Be good to yourself. Listen with an open heart and remember your partner could be the other half of your "Halfheart". This is for you to figure out. Love can heal. Relationships take a lot of work. It is worth it.

with care,
Harmony

[Halfheart]

Thank you, it just seem to be the more I try and fix it the more I can't

[Harmony]

Dear Halfheart,

You know the old: if at first you don't succeed, try try again. Have you sought help before? We bring you company and experience of others. A support board can't fix things but we sure do have the power of lots of experience. Have you got good professional help? Don't give up there is hope.

with care,
Harmony

[earthhorse]

I know that your husband has his own needs too. But sorry for the language, bloody hell, not a way forward to threaten divorce. No one gets better by being threatened or shamed. It will be really hard to trust him after that too... and for intimacy to work there needs to be trust.

Healing is slow and cyclical. There will be really good times, there will be really bad times, it will keep coming around but different every time. The good times will get longer. There may be a really, really bad spell again but that will lead to incredible change. The depth of the pain is only matched by the depth of the healing and strengthening that comes when we emerge from it. Together... stronger.

None of us are pretty packages for each others consumption. We grow together or we grow apart. Sorry if this is a devil advocate position, and you need to trust yourself. But you don't need threats or shaming. And you certainly don't need anyone using your history and hurt against you! No, you are certainly NOT what he says you are.

Love,
EH

[the husband]

Hi earthhorse

As the husband of a survivor, I may be able to offer helpful perspective.

While I have never threatened divorce, I have been frustrated that my needs have not been met. I'm not just talking about sexual needs, but the need to be seen, and heard, and held, and thought of when I'm not there, the need for consideration, the need for equality, the need for emotional support.

This improved somewhat when my wife was able to tell me a bit more about what was going on for her so that I wasn't entirely in the dark. I felt a lot more empathy when I understood more. That was scary for her, especially since I was frustrated at times, but it helped. She didn't present it as an excuse, she just told me a bit about what she was working on in therapy.

We did couple's therapy, which was somewhat helpful, but it was too much for my wife to process our issues for a concentrated hour. We did learn some communication ground rules that allowed us to process things in small bits at home.

I pursued my own therapy with a therapist who specializes in PTSD from SA, which was helpful because she could both validate my feelings and help me understand what my wife was dealing with at the same time. Again building empathy through knowledge.

For me, the bottom line was that I had to decide if I was going to stick it out, or go. All the frustrations I had were still going to be there for awhile (and some still are) because my wife was actively focused on her healing. We both had bad childhoods and agreed before we had kids that we would stay together for them and make it work for the duration - so my decision to stay was made. And, I love my wife. Sometimes I feel as if I am without a partner, or that I am a single parent. But people live full lives that way. We went 4 years without any intimacy - but people live full lives that way too. I guess what I'm saying here is that it is possible for someone to decide to delay getting their own needs met when they understand why they are doing it. It feels very different to decide to give something up, rather than feeling denied.

[Spanner]

Halfheart

I am sorry for what you have been through in the past, and to hear that you are going through a tough time now. Recovery is not an upward trajectory (as my Mum seems to believe it is or should be, but that’s another story) - as others have said it ebbs and flows.

One thing that strikes me though, once you are in a mindset of trying to ‘make someone understand’ you are fighting a losing battle. I don’t mean this to sound discouraging because there’s potentially a lot of growth and healing in this for you, but we can never make people understand - that way of thinking puts us in a pretty desperate place. Your husband will never understand what you have gone through / are going through unless he has had similar experiences. That’s not to say his behaviours are ok (or not) but as you are on your journey so he is on his, with his own emotions and processes. I know mine can get frustrated with me at times (even having gone through very similar things to me) but that’s his business, my business is my recovery and what I’ve learned is that the best thing I can do is to look after myself, even if that means a bit of distance (emotional or physical or whatever) at times. In the past I e been with people who don’t understand and I’ve driven myself crazy trying to make them understand, it has never worked. And I always felt they should understand, cause I’ve been through so much and what’s not to understand, right? But your husband could be feeling all kinds of things right now, without speculating too much he’s probably scared, for himself, for you. There’s probably a little part of him that doesn’t want you to get well - not because he’s a band person but because of his fears about the dynamic that will change as you come back to yourself. You will get stronger, there will be changes, some big, some subtle, they way you interact with each other, both physically and emotionally, will change. It’s easy to assume that those around us will just be happy with us getting well, but the truth is people are fearful of losing the status quo. The roles you both play out are bound to change. You’re both going to have to be open to letting that in.

Dig deep, and look after yourself as well as you possibly can. Surround yourself with love for yourself and be gentle. Try and trust that everything will work out, because it will one way or another.

One thing I have learned is that I need to make sure that I am strong and stable enough so that if the worst came to the worst and I ended up on my own I would survive. The effect of this on the present is that my relationship is more stable and I am less likely to find myself in that position.

You have no control over your husband, his thoughts or his feelings, but you could perhaps encourage him to share those with you and practice accepting where he’s at and communicate with him (without expectations) where you’re at.

I don’t know if this is helpful to you at all, feel free to tell me or ignore it if not, but I hope you can find strength knowing you are loved and held and believed in here.

With warm wishes
Spanner