Post
by Spanner » Thu Sep 27, 2018 8:08 am
Halfheart
I am sorry for what you have been through in the past, and to hear that you are going through a tough time now. Recovery is not an upward trajectory (as my Mum seems to believe it is or should be, but that’s another story) - as others have said it ebbs and flows.
One thing that strikes me though, once you are in a mindset of trying to ‘make someone understand’ you are fighting a losing battle. I don’t mean this to sound discouraging because there’s potentially a lot of growth and healing in this for you, but we can never make people understand - that way of thinking puts us in a pretty desperate place. Your husband will never understand what you have gone through / are going through unless he has had similar experiences. That’s not to say his behaviours are ok (or not) but as you are on your journey so he is on his, with his own emotions and processes. I know mine can get frustrated with me at times (even having gone through very similar things to me) but that’s his business, my business is my recovery and what I’ve learned is that the best thing I can do is to look after myself, even if that means a bit of distance (emotional or physical or whatever) at times. In the past I e been with people who don’t understand and I’ve driven myself crazy trying to make them understand, it has never worked. And I always felt they should understand, cause I’ve been through so much and what’s not to understand, right? But your husband could be feeling all kinds of things right now, without speculating too much he’s probably scared, for himself, for you. There’s probably a little part of him that doesn’t want you to get well - not because he’s a band person but because of his fears about the dynamic that will change as you come back to yourself. You will get stronger, there will be changes, some big, some subtle, they way you interact with each other, both physically and emotionally, will change. It’s easy to assume that those around us will just be happy with us getting well, but the truth is people are fearful of losing the status quo. The roles you both play out are bound to change. You’re both going to have to be open to letting that in.
Dig deep, and look after yourself as well as you possibly can. Surround yourself with love for yourself and be gentle. Try and trust that everything will work out, because it will one way or another.
One thing I have learned is that I need to make sure that I am strong and stable enough so that if the worst came to the worst and I ended up on my own I would survive. The effect of this on the present is that my relationship is more stable and I am less likely to find myself in that position.
You have no control over your husband, his thoughts or his feelings, but you could perhaps encourage him to share those with you and practice accepting where he’s at and communicate with him (without expectations) where you’re at.
I don’t know if this is helpful to you at all, feel free to tell me or ignore it if not, but I hope you can find strength knowing you are loved and held and believed in here.
With warm wishes
Spanner
Fearlessness is not the absence of fear but the willingness to walk through it.