reisha's 2018 thread

[Fleur]

Dearest Reisha


We seem to get to a certain point in life where people pass on. Son has informed me of several folk who are no longer with us. Most older than you, me, but maybe your colleagues were of a similar age? May you attend the gathering, catch up with others of your acquaintance

Cats seem to have a fixated preference for a while, which changes ... At least in my experience. Maybe Sir Plunk has decided boots are really cosy? They sound delightful and certainly seen you over many miles and different terrain. Might they be useful now with good ankle support?

Surely are many losses, opportunities for growth even as you grieve, in your life ATM. Hopefully, everything will work out in your favour

Hey, congratulations for house tasks. Irrespective of reason, or size of task, you've done something towards having a tidier / neater / cleaner environment. Go Reisha!

Cheering you on from the sidelines


Soft caring hugs

[there]

Reisha,
Sorry I haven't posted for a while.
Fleur said it well - many losses are opportunities for growth. Not always easy to see, find the bless in the mess, figuratively speaking.
One good thing is that you're identifying the feelings- sadness, fear, or other. It never feels very good when cared about people leave in some way. But it's good that we feel those feelings.

Just found out a lovely man who lived in this building named, B, died 2 months ago of a heart attack. Hadn't seen him. Will truly miss saying hi to him on his way to start his car each day. Am remembering his laughing at Tula's antics or when I made a joke.

Plunk is nestling regularly in your nice boots!? First I was thinking you were gonna say he was peeing on them. I'm relieved for that. Tula generally locates herself in the most comfortable spot, which is sometimes on top of a folded pile of clean laundry on my bed!

Change with s/w leaving and hopefully a good change with insurance- being afraid is natural.

Great to read that you've done some cleaning and clearing. That's an accomplishment!

Joining with Fleur to cheer you on!

[there]

reisha,
Haven't seen a post from you in a week.
Hope that you're doing okay or better.

with love, there

[reisha]

thanks for checkin on me, There.

im ok, i guess.
still alive
kinda havin a pissy/pity party.
sad to be alone/lonely (unloved, unwanted, invisible, diminished..... etc, etc) - 1/2 assedly kinda tryin to fight the bah-humbugs.

ive built in *up to* an hr 1/2 each day for major pouting, if needed. - yano, that .... aloow mice elf to ~feel my feelins~ (as it were)
fine line/prob w/ that is ..... when does it 'tip over' into 'feedin my trolls'? - as ya beLIEve, so It Is - kinda tunnel vision self-(un)fullfillin reality

nuthins really happened, or ive been .... numb, or i dont think i have anything to say/contribute

dont really feel .... much at all. not SI; more ... kinda grumpy (pissed). & yeah, sad.
keepin it all at bay, i guess...
<sigh!>

[Fleur]

Dear Reisha


Sure, you're allowed pity party, etc

Please know that you are cared for here

Totally get the feelings of unwanted, etc.


Soft caring hugs

[reisha]

t sez im 1) depressed 2) grief/loss 3) 'lesser variations' of <--those emotions 4) irritable 5) in pain 6) ptsd 7) passive/overwhelmed, 8) etc....
well duh! why duz she think i see her?!?!?!?! thanks, doc - um, HOW much am i payin for this?!?!

feel .... scared, alone, about-to-get-in-trouble, .... (etc)

b4 my s/w left, we started the apps for IHSS. today, got letter from em, basically wanted drs certs that *im FUCKED UP ENUFF* (as i age, the ~New Definition~ of 'Not GOOD Enuff', <sigh> seems i can *never* escape the insidious neg beasties in my haid. ) to qual for help. well, im gettin good at that, i guess - as SSI/DIS decided um, yep, im (still!) disabled. <grumpy face> so now i get the anxiety/stressNworry of THAT, - same song, THIRD verse, goin round to my drs for 'proof'. & at sum point a home visit...
sched'd for a 'buttpoke' - steroid injection (need-a-driver) next wed - dunno if, (now that ive switched ins) there's still a $200 co-pay, & guess i can maybe ask the one guy here i know for a ride...
it'll take up to THREE months for old ins to refund this months premium. & next yr, for sum reason they think my $20 fed increase warrents a $1 state decrease (cuz, get this - [& i quote!] - i have too much income! <end quote!>) AND that i owe a monthly premium of $69 - which (suspciously) is the amount of the olds ins 'basic' plan (w/out the 'buy up' for accu & chiro) HMmmmm....!!!
t asked bout ... buncha stupid shit. stuff we been over 10k times b4. medical shit. foood, & lack thereof - or, appitite. weight. pprs to fill out/folx to call/contact (includin 'personal' - told her im mad at so called real life 'friends' - they've ignored me for months- do i have any ~guilt~/responsibility , have i tried reachin out to them? (no, butt...)
bldg havin holiday thing next wed - intend to go, but invite sez bring food, & i cant/wont.....
& theres also notice of annual unit inspection jan 11 & 12th. so im all freaked out bout that too. t dunna seem to understand, even tho ive told her. i dont wanna get on the 'naughty list' - get in trouble, tagged for .... safety or health hazards. t asks ... how reality based my 'paranoia' is, i tell her i dont know. give examples of stuff piled AllOverEverywhere. (downplay the rotting food in fridge, the maggots & gnats & ants ive (hopefully!( eliminated from the trash) she asks if i cant put stuff on floor well, sure, but sposta have 32" 'clearance'/walkways (which i already dont). t then asks bout IHSS/more med/health stuff....
tells me i sound very passive, defeatist - like everythings TooMuchWORK. (well, YEAH!)

in The City By The Bay, the mayor died suddenly. for the most part, i approved of him, his policies. sad, & sumwhat conflicted bout it.
pleased for alabama
& scared for everyone/thing else

thanks for reading
{{ISURVIVE!}}

[Fleur]

There's a whole bunch of issues you mention Reisha - and T don't get any of it?! S**t! F***; etc , etc ...

And WHOSE time is it I'd like to know?


Soft caring hugs

[iwillthrive]

Catching up reisha. wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and wishing you some peace.

I fired a therapist for all the things you have mentioned. Got tired of telling her the same sh!* over and over again.

Be kind to yourself. iwt

[reisha]

yeah, well.... <sigh>
this ones (t) been a 'place holder'. a witness/'validator'. but not much more'n that. i do better w/ a ... (shush - dont tell anyone), but i actually do better w/ a more .... 'structured' therapy like .... school!, cbt, <-- it'll ~be our lil secret~; my *retarded* growth & refusal to Grow Up - notice how i keep the warped & dysfunctional thinkin alive & twisted?
she's retirin in april (read what ya will in that!); & now that i switched ins, i *need* to look into .... <heavy sigh!> various providers - but AFTER i ask/get the dr certs for IHSS ... always delay/excuse/more hoops to buy supplies for, build & then do the the spinny jump thru...

really wish ... or, feel bad that im unable to keep up w/ everyone. i am readin a coupla-a threads, havin trouble posting/commenting. ino we all've been in such states at times. & understand....

ive totally strayed from where i thot i'd go ....
need to 'get flat'
forgive me

[there]

reisha,
Where you're at is fine. You don't have to always be giving here.

The following is my perspective. Take or leave part or all as desired.

Maybe you didn't get the support you needed to grow up. It's scary growing up when you're already 'grown up'. I oughta know. I'm doing it.

It's also ok in my book to retain aspects of being a child.
I see strength in refusal to grow up. It's the child saying that she matters. If you're like me, you were forced to grow up way too fast. How might we give ourselves some of the nurturing we missed to help us grow?

You are a brave, creative spirit, and so strong.