Letting go

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


I have bags and boxes in the shed, inside the cottage, preparatory to moving a few hundred km. Even with rubbish and donated goods, I'm still wondering how I'm going to fit my "keepers" from a 3 bedroom place into a 2 bedroom unit

ET was / is a feel good film. May your housework have been satisfactory for you. And, as you let go of your donated items, may you find peace within as well as space around you

A presenter at a seminar suggested we list all the reasons for wanting our family to be different as well as thanking for at least 5 things they did well. It was soooo hard for me to find 5 things but I did eventually. Then she challenged us to be creative about how we could make the grade on behalf of family - it could be the same list as the first or something different

Before we left, we had made an action plan around one positive aspect and written a thank you note for the areas identified as done well

Some participants were going to deliver messages to family, others were going to reserve judgment until it felt a good time, whilst some said they'd destroy the negative side but remind themselves of the positives

May you find your way to inner peace


Caring hugs

[honeybera]

Hey there, Fleur! I must apologize for not answering directly to you. No disrespect intended. Bless you for following along anyway.

I just hit a milestone! I MADE LOW CARB PANCAKES FOR BREAKFAST FOR THE 1st TIME! And OMG! SOOO GOOD! I only wish we could share pics on here! They looked PERFECT! Maybe a little thin, but next time I'll add more oat fiber to them (it's a thickener of sorts, has 0 carbs, and looks just like regular flour). I made the pancakes with a ½ and ½ baking mix of almond flour and oat fiber. I could not believe how perfect they looked! I am getting a slight aftertaste, but that could be my "buttermilk" (apple cider vinegar + almond milk). But seriously, this one is a WINNER! I added butter and sugar free maple syrup and ate the entire thing! And only 2.6 net carbs for the lot! I'm in heaven! ♥ ♥ That was the "sweetness fix" I was looking for! YUM! And I make some extra and have them frozen for another time, later on. Just pop them into the toaster, et voila! Pancakes! Add some bacon and eggs or frozen ready-cooked sausage...YES!

I have bags and boxes in the shed, inside the cottage, preparatory to moving a few hundred km. Even with rubbish and donated goods, I'm still wondering how I'm going to fit my "keepers" from a 3 bedroom place into a 2 bedroom unit

You're moving?? Why? And does Soxy get to go, too?? Is it from apartment to apartment or from house to apartment? I'm bubbling with questions (which I hope are alright to ask and not invasive to you), but I can sympathize with the process of moving and sorting all of it out! I can share with you my own personal experience that you're doing it the right way. If you sort afterwards as I did (from the necessity of a rapid move), it can become overwhelming quickly and it does NOT just "go away". Not even after 16 yrs. unattended and then compounded by others over the years. Not even with prayer. I've tried!

ET was / is a feel good film. May your housework have been satisfactory for you. And, as you let go of your donated items, may you find peace within as well as space around you

ET was just what I needed! And doing my housework is a satisfaction unto itself. The space I'm creating is of my OWN space, something that was never allowed before by others. I am organizing everything! Shelves for this and chest of drawers for that! Just those tapes being GONE is going to open this place up tremendously for me!! I was able to count the 41 tapes in the one box so far, but I cannot lift the box and son has been working long hours (graveyard shift) and sleeping in late, so he can't help me much. And he'll soon be going on one of his conventions, so I'm going to get him to do as much as is comfortably possible for him to do beforehand, like load up the cab and the back of my pickup. If you figure that THE FIRST BOX of these tapes holds at least 41 tapes (there's room for more), can you imagine how many tapes are in that wall of tapes in the front room??! And then there's under the bed in here, too! The mind boggles!!!

The more I talk to my cousin R, the more peaceful I become. He hasn't had it easy, either, but he hung in there and turned the lemons into lemonade! He's always been that way! So positive.

A presenter at a seminar suggested we list all the reasons for wanting our family to be different as well as thanking for at least 5 things they did well. It was soooo hard for me to find 5 things but I did eventually. Then she challenged us to be creative about how we could make the grade on behalf of family - it could be the same list as the first or something different

Before we left, we had made an action plan around one positive aspect and written a thank you note for the areas identified as done well

Some participants were going to deliver messages to family, others were going to reserve judgment until it felt a good time, whilst some said they'd destroy the negative side but remind themselves of the positives

I hear you. But I actually don't want to forget...forgive, yes, but forget, NO! I dare not. I'll again go running back, lemming like, and leap off the cliff that is personified by MD, and take that leap blindly, hoping for a different outcome this time, and she'll sneer and whisper, "GOTCHA!!" It's how she rolls. How does Dr. Phil put it?

The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. - Dr. Phil

And I have a long history of 70 yrs. of her "relevant past behaviors". She hasn't failed me yet!

I believe that my best bet with MD is to simply avoid her. I'm thriving without her, and she has my db to keep her company. He's all that she wants anyway. He IS the "Golden Child" - let him earn his keep and pay his dues! I will just slink away (truth be known, I'm happily skipping away ) and LIVE MY OWN DAMNED LIFE, full of glee and satisfaction. I'm doing much better AWAY from her. I know your presenter meant well, however I wouldn't consider hand-feeding a hungry tiger his lunch, either. I'm no fool. Her influence on me lessens every day, and I am glad for it and much better off. I would rather think about seeing my dear cousin day after tomorrow - that brings me peace and a positive attitude.

May you find your way to inner peace

Oh Fleur, I'm there already. I have never felt so comfortable about my life. I don't even hate MD anymore. I AM wary of her, and naturally so. But I do not hate her. And I guess that that's a relief. I suppose I could think up 5 positive things about her, BUT it would always be followed up with a "but". And to be frank with you, she's really not worth the effort. Nor would she be worth the horrid aftertaste one of my visits to her would cause me. May God bless her and keep her, but definitely keep her away from me.

The rain is coming on Friday and into the weekend, a 50-65% chance of it anyway. I need to get busy and get out into my yard and chop down the bamboo sprouts that are popping up here and there AND finish picking the apples AND ready the yard for the winter (planting/pruning). Lots of wholesome work and exercise out there. My dogs will keep me company. I'll let y'all know how it's coming. I need to get up and get busy!

Oh Lordy, it's bedtime! I hope your move goes smoothly for you, Fleur. You'll be in my thoughts...

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Lovely to read your uplifting post

I'm moving from a 3 bedroom private rental cottage to a 2 bedroom social housing rental - 120+ years dwelling falling down (not quite but needs a LOT of work) to a 15 yo freestanding brick veneer, only 2 units on block, both separately fenced. No car cover but room for 3 cars at least on concrete between the units. I'll be in the front one. Both cottage and unit have a metal roof

The first query I had was about Soxy. In the phone interview, I said I was aware I hadn't mentioned I had a cat. The man shot back with "does your cat want to be part of this phone call?" That broke the ice. We talked a bit about Soxy - turns out I can have 2 pets from dog, cat and bird. Animals normally kept in an aquarium are not counted

I looked last night on internet for a cat run, climbing area as an enclosed space. The only trees near the unit are in the middle of an extremely busy highway. There's a company specialising in custom made, where Soxy and I could be together outside

As I also need to buy a fridge and washing machine, as well as all the expenses related to moving, it is a priority but might not happen for a while - keeping Soxy inside would probably cause our sanity to suffer, smile

May your son enjoy the convention. And may you continue having fun sorting as well as being in your garden


Much caring

[honeybera]

Nice to hear this from you, Fleur! I must admit that I was a bit worried, but am really happy for you!

I'm moving from a 3 bedroom private rental cottage to a 2 bedroom social housing rental - 120+ years dwelling falling down (not quite but needs a LOT of work) to a 15 yo freestanding brick veneer, only 2 units on block, both separately fenced.

Oh, what an upgrade!! I see this as a positive and as an affirmation about self worth, similar to my efforts to dig out from the unorganized chaos of my own home. As I do that, it seems to reaffirm to myself that I am, indeed, "worth it". This move is a wonderful treat for you...AND Soxy. And we all need a treat and a change of venue every now and then. {{{{{Fleur and Soxy}}}}}

No car cover but room for 3 cars at least on concrete between the units. I'll be in the front one. Both cottage and unit have a metal roof

Did you get a car, too? I know that your cottage was far from town, making grocery and other shopping difficult at best. Are the shops now within walking distance, or do you now have a car? How about a new church home? I know that your church was important to you.

The first query I had was about Soxy. In the phone interview, I said I was aware I hadn't mentioned I had a cat. The man shot back with "does your cat want to be part of this phone call?" That broke the ice. We talked a bit about Soxy - turns out I can have 2 pets from dog, cat and bird. Animals normally kept in an aquarium are not counted

YAY!! A most liberal attitudes towards one's pets!! I am very pleased about that and I'm sure you are, too! This new home of yours is sounding better and better!

I looked last night on internet for a cat run, climbing area as an enclosed space. The only trees near the unit are in the middle of an extremely busy highway. There's a company specialising in custom made, where Soxy and I could be together outside

Ooh, freeways = BAD! I lost a pet to a freeway once - horrible thing! My daughter bought a "cat tree" for her cats when she lived here. They were strictly indoor cats, and those kitties loved to climb up them and duck into the little cubby holes. They are covered with climbable carpet and are very tall, and she placed hers by the window. They would climb up high and gaze out the window and survey the rest of the front room happily for hours. I think they liked the idea of "high up" and "in charge".

Yours sounds more elaborate to me, but to keep Soxy happy inside, too, you may want to look into this as well. Making Soxy happy with this move is important, too. I'm sure you will do exactly that.

As I also need to buy a fridge and washing machine, as well as all the expenses related to moving, it is a priority but might not happen for a while - keeping Soxy inside would probably cause our sanity to suffer, smile

On Amazon, they have an "Amazon card" (a credit card) that you can use to "defer" costs on a large purchase interest free for up to 12 months. That makes a purchase much more reasonable. You have to be careful of that, though; it's rather like gambling or drinking: it can get away from you if you're not careful. But for single and/or much needed purchase(s), it may be the way to go.

I know that with my French door fridge, I bought it from Sears (and Roebuck - or does that age me? ) from their OUTLET STORE. These are returned and refurbished or slightly dented items at about half the regular price. Some are real messes, with big gouges or dents on them or lots of parts missing. My French door fridge's "dent" is ONE small itsy-bitsy tiny thumb-nail sized dent in the back of the fridge, not noticeable at all, and for that I got my $4200 fridge for only $2000! And on one of those "deferred interest" deals for 12 months! Plus it has a full warranty! The fridge works perfectly, and they delivered it and hooked it up nicely for me. I hate to jinx myself, but it's just a perfect fridge!

I don't know what is available in AU, but I'd be willing to bet they have something comparable. Same thing with the washing machine. If your finances and credit are up to this, you may want to consider it. It does take some intensive shopping for the best deals, but I'm sure you can pull it off if you wish to. It is none of my business whether you do it now or just save up, but I just wanted to let you know about this way of doing it. It works for me because I am on top of it like a crow on a June-bug from the minute I sign my name to the contract to buy (look at how long it's taking me to get my chest of drawers and nightstand! ) until the day I pay it off!! I understand that it's a marketing ploy to hook people in to too much credit and then, when they default, they have to pay the interest anyway, but I've not ever had to pay the interest, NOT EVEN ONCE! I make it like a game I play, and so far, I'm the WINNER! (Take what you want and leave the rest with my blessings. I hope this has helped.)

May your son enjoy the convention. And may you continue having fun sorting as well as being in your garden

Many thanks to you, dear Fleur. I was not able to get out there in my yard today...but tomorrow is looking good, as is Wednesday. I'm going to my cousin's tomorrow afternoon. I cannot wait to see him and his good wife. They somehow always cheer me up and inspire me in the most positive way possible, and, without a single word, my mood improves! So I'm really looking forward to seeing them. ♥ ♥ (Better than Prozac!)

BTW, Dr. Phil said something on his show today that really hit home: he said that we speak at 125 words per minute, but we think at 1300-1500 wpm. So if someone says something unkind to us, we hear it once, but repeat it over and over in our OWN minds to ourselves 10 times as fast as it took the "bully" or "troll" to say it to us, and that we can internalize what they offhandedly said to us and repeat it for a lifetime. I really gave that some deep thought. Mine is compounded by the fact that it was said to me REPEATEDLY FOR A LIFETIME to me BY MY OWN MOTHER, who is supposed to be my "same sex role model" and my "soft place to land", and NOT by some schoolyard or internet bully or troll! I don't ask how that could impact me, but rather how could it NOT impact me and my self worth?? I was fortunate to have my loving grandparents when I was little, but to truly offset MD's influences over me, I can see that I have a LOT of "reparenting" to do!!!!!

Being around my cousin R is helping to do just that. How fortunate I am!!

May all go well with your move! I truly believe that this is a real positive for you. {{{{{Fleur}}}}}

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Thank you for your interest in Soxy and my welfare. I have not got a car. The off street parking will be for visitors. I have looked at the bus routes. To get to the main city area I'll use a bus or 2, or a bus and train. However, all local services are within walking distance. Even the beach is only 2.5km from the unit

Church is about 8 or 9km. Again, public transport is available. I have already booked in for a Meet Up group, requiring a bus, train, another bus, but can be done. The group meets in a cafe. The organiser said IF a couple attend from another town, they would drive past my place. Currently they are on holiday, so she doesn't know whether they'll be at Sunday's event. Very kindly, she offered to drive me back to the city centre. That would be most helpful

Yes, I am thinking of putting one appliance on a 12 month interest free plan of $111/month (or thereabouts). Looked at several websites. I've decided to wait until after tomorrow (1 Nov) to measure the spaces before I get too excited, heart set on a particular model.

My freezer is like your fridge in that it was floor stock and became soiled and scratched. Same warranty. When I cleaned the door, most marks were erased. There is a wee dent but not deep enough to crack the surface on one side and the door. The main "fault" is out of sight - a 2 inch gouge at the back. This is on the motor cover which is metal. So far, no rust

For Soxy to be outside safely, ideally an enclosure of half the backyard, approximately 8 feet square, and 8 to 10 feet high - the height of the unit wall - with, as you say, climbing, hiding, etc places. If I had cat netting as opposed to a solid roof that would reduce cost. Anyway, another item to add to the wish list

Appreciate all your positives regarding this move

Really great that you've caught up with your cousin and his family

Thanks for sharing Dr Phil's comments about speaking/processing words. That makes sense to me of hearing something repeated yet perhaps not as many times as we might think

May all be well with you, your son, family and gardening aspirations


Much caring

[honeybera]

Hi Fleur!

Thank you for your interest in Soxy and my welfare. I have not got a car. The off street parking will be for visitors. I have looked at the bus routes. To get to the main city area I'll use a bus or 2, or a bus and train. However, all local services are within walking distance. Even the beach is only 2.5km from the unit

Church is about 8 or 9km. Again, public transport is available. I have already booked in for a Meet Up group, requiring a bus, train, another bus, but can be done.

Sounds like you will be hitting the ground running! And again, it sounds like a very positive move for you. Nothing that you can't handle. How exciting for you!

Yes, I am thinking of putting one appliance on a 12 month interest free plan of $111/month (or thereabouts). Looked at several websites. I've decided to wait until after tomorrow (1 Nov) to measure the spaces before I get too excited, heart set on a particular model.

Good idea to measure and measure well! Mine was so precisely measured because I had to be sure that I could get the doors open in the small space the hobby room has available for me. As it so happened, it only worked if I got one called a "Counter Depth", which is less depth but much wider. Hard to find, but I was persistent.

My freezer is like your fridge in that it was floor stock and became soiled and scratched. Same warranty. When I cleaned the door, most marks were erased. There is a wee dent but not deep enough to crack the surface on one side and the door. The main "fault" is out of sight - a 2 inch gouge at the back. This is on the motor cover which is metal. So far, no rust

My point exactly! And does it refrigerate your food any less than one still boxed and pristine? Nope. Good on you that you know a great bargain when you see one. Very smart shopper!!

For Soxy to be outside safely, ideally an enclosure of half the backyard, approximately 8 feet square, and 8 to 10 feet high - the height of the unit wall - with, as you say, climbing, hiding, etc places. If I had cat netting as opposed to a solid roof that would reduce cost. Anyway, another item to add to the wish list

Nice! He should be quite content with that setup. Lucky cat!!

Really great that you've caught up with your cousin and his family

OMG, we just got back from there!! My female cousin B and I had quite a talk (privately) about our mothers (the two sisters), and come to find out, well, as she put it, "Oh yes, everyone just loved Aunt J, but I had to live with her!" ...Well, my, my, my! Two peas in a pod, those two were. Each of them trying to put the other one down to make themselves feel "superior" and better than. Cousin B and I have much in common and lots to discuss on a further basis. LOTS AND LOTS. We have a true and intertwined history, and that makes it really nice for me to talk to her.

She also made mention that my cousin E (male), who lives with her and her husband just down the street from R, has isolated himself so sufficiently due to a deep depression that he is no long physically able to maneuver like he used to, and he is younger than me by 10 yrs! It was like she had hit me, and I was stunned by the news. I am allowing myself to move in the same direction! And it ain't MD that's doing it to me now...it's ME! I can't allow that to happen! I'm on the razor's edge, balancing between old age and death and a new beginning. I believe it will take more low carb eating, exercise (yard cleaning/house cleaning/lots more visits with my cousins/getting my solar patio project started), and about 2-3 weeks to begin to really turn this around. I can do this!

But the main thing that happened tonight is that both my son and I HAD FUN!! Cousin R is a bit of a rascal (he always has been), and immediately after spooking me good by wearing a very convincing Halloween wolfman costume and standing very still and then suddenly jumping and moving towards me, he asked my son if he'd like to "do the honors" and wear this terrific costume. My son jumped at the chance, scaring both little kids and their parents a LOT! Afterwards, we watched TV a bit, and before we left, I asked R's wife L if she'd like to go with me to the paving stone showroom in the near future and she said emphatically YES! We also discussed the fact that we all enjoy relaxed atmospheres and we really cleared the air. What a privilege to have such wonderful family members!! So unassuming and real!

I almost didn't go tonight, and I even called my cousin to tell him so, but he told me to just come on over, and am I ever glad that I did! I am so relieved to have family again!!! It is like a salve on my heart. Healing! It inspires me to WANT TO clean out my car and my house and set up my garden and have the whole group over to MY home, once it's all done (which shouldn't be that long). I think I'll go BUY my chest of drawers tomorrow (and nightstand), and while son is at his convention, work like a dog tidying up my place. The rain will be here by Saturday (first rain), so I have a few days before that happens, dedicating my (daylight) time to fixing up the yard outside (front and back). Once it hits, I can work inside OR in the garage. It shouldn't take too long to straighten it all up, and IF my cousin and his group see it before it's complete, I don't think they'd judge me on it anyway. I love them so much!!! Seriously, I am SO relieved by their attitudes!! I'm almost afraid to trust the welcome we received tonight.

I'd better call it a day. I have a lot of things to take care of tomorrow. As I do my myriad of overwhelming chores, the burden of doing them is continuously getting lighter and lighter. Is my Inner Critic being slowly silenced by being loved by these good people? I sure hope so!! What a blessing this is.

Nighty night,
Honeybera

[honeybera]

I was just sitting here watching Dr. Phil (nothing new there), and today's topic is childhood sexual abuse. One of the abuser's now-grown children were complaining of when he "played" the "booby tickle" game with them...AND I TRIGGERED!!!! My own father used to play "Tickling Your Titties" with me from the time I can remember until I was nearly 13 yr. old and MD finally told him to STOP!, and in no uncertain terms!! I hated that "game"!!! But he would hold me down on my back on the floor and "tickle" me until I cried.

I was NOT always a little kid, either. By the time I was 11 or 12, I was 5 ft. tall, fully developed, and wore a 34C bra! I developed so fast that I've always had stretch marks there. Seeing these accusing women on TV, especially talking about the "tickling", made my blood run cold!!

I went online on Google and did some research to see if it actually was considered "molestation". One "dot org" site had a phone number and I called it. I got the information about a local group of FREE counselors here in my town that deal with this sort of thing professionally. I believe that I'll go down there tomorrow (it's nearly midnight here right now). Talking to that woman on the phone, I began to remember all kinds of things that occurred with my father. Have I been suppressing all this? And I'm beginning to wonder if this is one of the underlying causes of so many of the things that elude me, like weight loss, no matter how "good" I am about my diet, and procrastination regarding housework and gardening. I'm even still isolating myself (cousins notwithstanding).

And boy, oh boy, does this answer a LOT of questions about MD herself and WHY she attempted to keep me away from my father clear up until he died! IF her entire game was to be "better than" and to appear to be living a life of perfection itself and a large part of that was her husband (that source of unmitigated pride for her), then any hint of impropriety or scandalous behavior should not only NOT be addressed, but quietly avoided and swept under the rug!! She didn't do it to "protect" me, but as a jealous woman would do to protect her friggin' marriage to her man against someone bent on destroying it! Trust me, that was NEVER my intent!!

I tried to put this on the sexual abuse thread, but was unable to get into that channel due to the lack of a password. I had to write this out! I'm going to watch the rest of this Dr. Phil and then try to get to sleep. I'll go tomorrow to meet with these new T's. We'll see what happens. My father died in 2011 and is RIP in MD's closet in an urn. None of this can hurt him, I never see MD anymore, and just maybe it WILL help me in letting go and moving on!

Jonesy, I would really like access to the other forum please. I have a feeling that I may need it. Thanks.

Honeybera

[Ashia]

Hi Honeybera

You are a member here which means you have access to the other forums, including the SA one. You log in with your username (honeybera) and use the password you set up when registering. Some of the forums, such as the Open Forum and this one are public, which helps potential new members feel more comfortable with registering here. The other forums require members to be logged in, with the exception of a couple of others which need different permissions/additional passwords (e.g. the Art forum). I hope this helps.

Please do be gentle with yourself with what you are learning about your past. I've often not remembered something until being triggered.

With caring
Ashia

[honeybera]

you have access to the other forums, including the SA one. You log in with your username (honeybera) and use the password you set up

Thanks Ashia. I will do that.

Please do be gentle with yourself with what you are learning about your past. I've often not remembered something until being triggered.

And thanks for this. I could not bring myself to finish watching the rest of Dr. Phil tonight (I tape them). I will later. As soon as I get up tomorrow, I'm going down to the office of these counselors. I got no phone number, just an address and their office hours. To explore this more deeply I believe would answer many questions that I've had. My current T I wouldn't be comfortable with sharing this vital information with him. He's mediocre at best, and this needs someone who knows what they're doing. Rehashing Mommy Dearest's violent physical beatings were one thing. This is altogether different.

I wonder how I survived all this...

Honeybera

[Fleur]

I'm wondering where a post got sent as it's not here. Oh well


Hello Honeybera


The gist of what I recall is that I feel for you with opening new memories, maybe having to change the "landscape" as far as your Dad is really a new challenge?

Glad you, R and family, plus home life = many different ways of being

May you continue to find ways to stimulate activity as well as resting when really required

Soxy was very good in truck - not a sound. Very vocal in unit


Caring hugs