Letting go

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


You have made huge progress with everything it seems - cookbooks, emptying boxes, losing weight (regaining slimness as one T used to say; I'd tell him I've NEVER been slim, so how can I "regain" it? He'd placidly answer - when you were born, you were not overweight) and you are venturing out to seniors class - how was the belly dancing session? You are certainly reinventing yourself, so not surprising you might query who you really are

You are definitely setting your son a great example in so many ways

Thanks for sharing here and I appreciate your kind thoughts for my son, Soxy and me

May you and your son enjoy a wonderful day


Much caring

[honeybera]

Hey Fleur!

You have made huge progress with everything it seems - cookbooks, emptying boxes, losing weight (regaining slimness as one T used to say; I'd tell him I've NEVER been slim, so how can I "regain" it? He'd placidly answer - when you were born, you were not overweight)

Thank you! And I LMAO reading what your T had said! Very true! Thank you for sharing.

you are venturing out to seniors class - how was the belly dancing session?

Welllll...I didn't go. It's almost 6pm now, and here I sit. But I am going to call my cousin R and ask if he'd like some help to set up his Halloween decorations this year. Son and I are both volunteering. I'll probably call him tonight or tomorrow. I don't know what this is that causes me to rush at something so enthusiastically, only to back out and not want to do it at the last minute. Even grocery shopping. I'll see a sale on something and decide that THIS week I WILL go myself. I will then WAIT until the sale's last minute and then send my son to go get it. I'm still waiting to buy my new furniture, but you know how long I've talked about doing it on here. I will get the furniture eventually, but to go out just to have "new furniture" when I don't feel like the time is right is majorly counterproductive for me. I like to have every "i" dotted and every "t" crossed.

But even then I don't move very quickly these days. And it's not a physical thing. IT'S MENTAL! Like no faith in myself, and no desire to venture out anymore, no risk is worth taking. This has happened in the last 3½ yrs. since I've been retired. I'll say to myself, "Oh, wow! I'd like to..." (belly dance, have a 'home' for my clothes, like a dresser, go see cousin R, go to the Senior Center, etc.) to be quickly followed by a malaise that is debilitating! I feel tired and want to procrastinate for a while. And that "while" turns into hours and days and months and years.

But I also know this and understand this enough to NOT want to be put down for it or criticized or pushed to do it in any way. I will do it, just not today. The solution will suddenly come to me, all complete and logical, like a tidy little present wrapped up with a bow. But until then, I will ponder this apparent shunning of the world that I am currently doing. After all, I managed to get my hobby room fridge and freezer, and I love them! I am slowly clearing out the debris from my moving here. I have cleared and refilled the hallway umpteen times (most of it is my son's stuff now, but it will have a 'home' in the old computer room once that's cleaned out and organized).

I did make some headway today, however! And I am thrilled by the prospect! I called the Donation Center and asked IF they take VCR tapes. I have an entire WALL of stacked boxes FULL of these old tapes from our VCR player in a myriad of cardboard boxes lining nearly the entire length of my Front Room's west wall. In fact, I have a player that I can transfer any VCR recording onto a DVD. I did some of them. Took me FOREVER! I've sort of given up on them. Most aren't even labeled, so I have to 'WATCH' the entire tape to find out what's on them!! Nuts to that! I didn't figure that the donations place would even take this wall of old used VHS tapes measuring an over-the-head high 6'x12', BUT THEY WILL!! So I will bless my faithful old tapes that I have been "storing" (Hoarding??) for about 18-20 yrs. I have about a bizzillion cooking shows on them, but most use flour, sugar, and/or other items that are verboten to me anymore. So out they go! Perhaps ds will help me load them up into the pickup and off they go! Cut up some other boxes and I will have my front room back. YAY! I wonder if I'll grieve them and their going...probably. But just getting rid of the ones in my front room will make that room look MUCH bigger!

You have no idea just how many BOXES of these tapes that I have! In the front room, in the kitchen mystery boxes, and even UNDER MY BED! 60" X 80" OF UNDERBED CLEAR PLASTIC STORAGE BOXES, FILLED WITH THESE VHS TAPES!! I just didn't know if the donation center would take them all, BUT THEY WILL! HUZZAH!

I also have lots of Donna Dewberry tapes on how to paint, but NOW there is THE INTERNET, and wouldn't you know? Donna Dewberry has a website!! YAY!!! So out those old tapes go, too, as do my dried up paints. If I want to learn how to paint, I still can, even without the tapes! I have a bit of money and time to spend, I'm not on Welfare anymore, and it will NOT feel like a deep loss for me to LET GO of the tapes! [I just zipped over to YouTube and entered Donna Dewberry's name to make sure I wasn't telling tales out of school...I'M NOT! And the technique she uses is called One-Stroke Painting, which looks like magic to me! There seems to be MANY different folks out there using Donna's methods, too. I am excited!!]

So IF I miss tonight's belly dancing, it's not the end of the world. I have much to still do here, and there's always next week, or the week after that. But the lift just thinking about it this morning gave me was wonderful enough to inspire me enough to probably attempt it "soonish". I may never paint the One-Stroke painting method and I may never belly dance again, but you never know. I do want to see what's going on down there at the Senior Center.

This is very freeing. It's hard to do, but it's freeing, too. Oh! I just found my favorite cooking show on YouTube!! The Urban Peasant!! James Barber!! He is gone now, passed away, but he is still with us via YouTube. I am happy with that.

Hungry from watching the dear Urban Peasant cook! Stomach is growling. Lots of hugs for you and yours...

Honeybera

[honeybera]

The following is just me talking to myself. I am seriously trying to "get over" how I sabotage myself. I believe that it STILL has to do with MD's voice in my head playing the role of my Inner Critic, and this thread is my therapy to overcome it, plain and simple. If that is not off-putting to you, please...READ ON with my blessings:


I've been experiencing some pretty electrifying morning back pain recently. I'm doing some research on it via the Internet this morning. It's not the chronic lower back pain, but more like mid-back, both sides, and my neck sometimes, too. The following was recommended:

What can you do about inflammation and inflammaging?

No one really knows, but here are some sensible ideas…

This list is remarkably similar to treatment recommendations for fibromyalgia!

>Fitness is critical — it’s the closest thing we have to a miracle drug or a fountain of youth. But also avoid overdoing it.
>It’s also possible to some extent to eat an “anti-inflammatory” diet — which really just means a healthy diet, particularly one that doesn’t give our system major blood sugar regulation challenges.
>Fasting and ketogenic diets may also be worth experimenting with.
>Working on anxiety and major sources of chronic stress (like insomnia) is important too.
>And of course you should consider quitting any habits that are putting a strain on your biology, like smoking (of course), or drinking too much too regularly (more than a couple per day).

LMAO!! These are all the things that I am already doing! EXCEPT for the fitness one. Hmm...

I should have gone last night. And if belly dancing doesn't turn out to be my cup of tea anymore, perhaps the scads of other exercise classes held weekly or bi-weekly at the Senior Center would be a good place to start. They even have a couple of classes for Tai Chi or Yoga, both for arthritis, but I cannot get down to the floor for the Yoga. Well, honestly, down is ok, but I can't get back up. I'm not sure if I could even get through one class. Just getting up and getting dressed and getting down there would have been a good thing to do. I do have a LOT of exercise DVDs for Seniors and all the equipment. I even have a Yoga mat! But will I do them? Even here in my room. Even Sit and Be Fit? Or will I just allow myself to die without trying? That thought is dreadful to me!! I do NOT want to "go gentle into that good night"!

Do not go gentle into that good night What does it mean?
It is a strong invocation for us to live boldly and to fight. It implores us to not just "go gentle into that good night," but to rage against it. Even at the end of life, when "grave men" are near death, the poem instructs us to burn with life. The poem's meaning is life affirming.

I have fought long and hard to even survive MD's horrors, AND I HAVE, but for what?? To give up now? NO.

And now I have to say this loudly to myself. MD is no longer here, whether today or "yesterday", and it is done at my choosing. But now I am finding that without her to blame, the finger points at me. OMG.

What you are is your parent's fault, but if you stay that way, it's your fault.

My God, how I used to hate that saying!! But it's true, so very, very true. And it can be my salvation or my demise, depending on the choices I make now. Wow.

"At my choosing". There is a LOT of responsibility there. Will I, do I, have the strength of my own convictions? BTW, sitting for long periods, like sitting here at my computer all day or sitting here and watching TV or sitting here reading or eating or the many other things I do while SITTING IN MY CHAIR, can do horrible things to my health. HORRIBLE!

To spend some time in my chair is ok. But they are beginning to compare sitting too much to smoking as to how harmful it is. YIKES! And of course, obesity and/or diabetes are way up there, too. So hence, my cookbooks and Keto diet and "intermittent fasting" are very important. But I also have to GET UP from time to time, move around, and get busy with the (OVERWHELMING TASKS OF) housework. AND I have to at least GO EXPLORE what is over at the Senior Center. I promise that I'll at least SIGN THE CARD this time and join up, at least on paper. And remember that on Friday there's Bingo! Yes, it's still sitting, but at least I'd be there.

I have to do something different; this way of "living" is killing me! One step at a time...

So...Up and at 'em! Breakfast and some mystery boxes await me in the kitchen and front room, as do all those tapes that I will glance at and count before donating! AND I'm about to bake some slow-cooked Carnitas (Mexican seasoned slow roasted pork) all day. YUM! Bake it until it falls off the bone! AND call and see if my dear cousin R needs some help with his elaborate Halloween decorations this Oct. 31st. He says he really does it up BIG!! YAY!! I'LL HELP! And so will ds.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Seems to me that you have wonderful insight regarding how your mind works

Yes, I've also read, heard, about too much sitting being as bad as other habits. Scary. Reminds me once more of "use it or lose it"

Wishing you, son and cousin a lovely weekend

[honeybera]

And hello, Fleur! (I can't tell you how nice it is to have you back and reading my thread! )

Seems to me that you have wonderful insight regarding how your mind works

Yes, the epiphanies are coming hard and fast! And they are most welcome, too, difficult as they may be sometimes.

Yes, I've also read, heard, about too much sitting being as bad as other habits. Scary. Reminds me once more of "use it or lose it"

That is exactly it! Towards that end, I just finished loading up two VERY LARGE clear plastic containers, scoop by scoop, with Azomite (MULTIPLE Micro-nutrients for my garden and extremely powdery and drying to the skin!) that had been sitting undisturbed in my second bathroom sink in an opened 30 lb. sack all summer long. It took me about a half hour to do, but my sink is all clear now. I never use the sink, but it looks infinitely nicer all cleared out of the Azomite and the plastic sack it was in, and washed down, and I did what the plumber told me to do a long time ago: flush it out with water occasionally to keep it flowing properly, so I did that, too. I stood for the entire time. I am PROUD of me. Now I will label the two plastic bins. It's one of those projects that I kept putting off for "later". Now it's done!

I used to be a smoker. I started at 12 yrs. old. I finally quit at 42. Thirty years of my life that I can't get back! But I did quit - in 1990! Best thing I ever did for myself, at least up until now. My current challenge is to lose this weight. I can actually FEEL my body changing all over, and the fat disbursement changes every day, too. It's slight, but noticeable. So I'm going to increase my activities, starting with that old 30lb. sack of Azomite. Next up? Sort the box of tapes in my room and count them, readying them for son taking them to the pickup. I plan to have him load several boxes of sorted clothes that are already ready to go, get the soda pop cans ready for donation, and put them into the garage, plus cut up some cardboard for garbage night tomorrow. Do the dishes...
UPDATE: I TRIED valiantly to cook the TWO HUGE pork shoulders that ds got me last night. Sheesh!! OMG!! I asked him to get ONE pork shoulder roast, "smallish"...and he got me TWO in one pkg totaling over 20 lbs!! Neither will fit in my Instant Pot, and I could barely lift the package by myself. It was only 78¢/lb., a bargain too good to miss, and I managed to find some great recipes for carnitas and for pulled pork on the internet. I rubbed the largest one (I'd guess about 11 lbs.) with Mexican Seasoning, flopped it into an open pan, added one can of chicken broth, wrapped it in tinfoil, and stuck it in the oven at 325ºF. I'll uncover it in 3 hrs. and roast it at 375º for another 90 min. until done. The "small" one, about 9 lbs., is brining in a smoke flavored brine until tomorrow. GOOD LORD!! I felt like I was in a wrestling match, and I was losing!! I need a rest!

Son is unaware of all of this. He banged his head at work last night HARD. He's ok, but he's sleeping now and unable to help me. I'm going to begin to sort the tapes. The pulled pork is in the oven, the dishes are all loaded up in the dishwasher, and I'm about to watch a really good Dr. Phil. When ds wakes up, I have already asked him to assemble the second wire kitchen storage shelves for me, and he said sure. One step at a time.

Wishing you, son and cousin a lovely weekend

Thanks, Fleur! And you do the same...Onward and upward!

Honeybera (taking a well-deserved break!)

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Has your son seen a Dr? Please watch for signs of concussion which apparently can take up to a few weeks to show - any confusion, changes in speech, movement and so on - you probably know better than me what to check. I really hope that all he needs is a long sleep to recover

Great to read about your standing for a length of time as you cleared yet another area in your home. Even if unused, that space is now clean

May all go well with everything you've planned


Much caring

[dancingfish]

Hi honeybera. :) So glad to see your posts, and that the clearing out continues! Something I sometimes wish I'd done afterwards is to have a photo of before, so I can compare it to afterwards... but then I guess I'd have to keep all those photos somewhere, and the point is to declutter. ;) But a reminder of how far you've come can be a positive thing, sometimes it's easy to overlook how much we've achieved. And I think you've been managing an awful lot. :)

Best wishes to you, and I hope to catch up on reading how your garden went over the summer. :D

[honeybera]

Hello to you both! {{{{dancingfish and Fleur}}}}}}

Sadly, I haven't done much, really...not yet anyway. I know what I need to do, and I keep saying to myself, "What's WRONG with me? Why can't I call my cousin? Why can't I complete my projects? Why did I allow my entire garden to die from neglect and lack of water? Why don't I get dressed and just go out and grocery shop and visit the Senior Center while I still can??" And the answer is always the same: I don't know.

But today an idea popped into my head and I googled it: How can I cure learned helplessness? And OH MY! I'm reading AND crying as I read about it on chillpill dot io, the first site on the list given. It seems that it's similar to C-PTSD in that a person feels that they are out of control of a threatening situation REPEATEDLY. I remember the first time that I even heard about "learned helplessness" and the experiment on dogs, and how, after some conditioning to be non-responsive, the dogs would not leave even if the walls of their cages were removed. I was in my early 30s and I was studying outside for my Psych 101 class in college, sitting in a little chair perched in the warm and sunny area under the stairs. When I read about learned helplessness, I began to cry and laid my head on my book and sobbed, right in front of everyone who was passing by!

I even cried today. This "learned helplessness" even affects me today. And I SIT THERE, do nothing, am QUIET and unassuming, hoping to not be noticed. It's like a duality of some sort: the ornery and determined little gardener, the one who conquered ALL OBSTACLES and became the working Mom and sole support of my family, dragging us up from the Projects where we lived on AFDC (AKA Welfare or the Dole) to become a proud homeowner with a pension...and on the other hand, the little shrinking violet who just sits and sadly watches every opportunity go by, not knowing the reason why I'm unable to move.

I do know that if I continue in this way, I won't be ABLE to move anymore. So I'm going to study this "LEARNED HELPLESSNESS" more! It's not my idea nor my choice to behave this sloth-like way, but it IS my ultimate behavior anyway.

I wonder if it's because I am in control here in my room? Days start and days end...and then a new day begins. Over and over. I need to think about this...a lot!
===============================================================

Oh my. The site is now discussing the dreaded FEAR OF FAILURE! If I sit here and do little or nothing, I feel I am "safe" and cannot fail, right? Oh wait...no, that would guarantee my failure. So confusing. I know, I know. Failure is inevitable if I do nothing, but I fail out there, too. Oh, that sounds like old programming tapes playing in my head and my INNER CRITIC. Let me unearth Pete Walker and read a bit. That always gives me sound answers.

===============================================================

All of this started when my T (the good one of 15 yrs.) retired and moved away. Then my bus driver friend D of 25 yrs. died, and no one even told me until the next month. I don't even know where she was buried. Then Kaiser dropped my doctor (he isn't Kaiser related, but they kept him until their hospital was built - son and I considered him a friend of the family) and then he sadly dropped me since I had only Medicare and his office group doesn't accept Medicare. Then my best friend N joined that sex cult (and is still in it) - such a long story, but it has depressed me SO MUCH! And MD and dear Brother have made their sneaky, snaky bargain to exclude me from any inheritance (the $700,000.00 that MD gave him, which was the whole Enchilada!)...in fact, they have dismissed and excluded me PERIOD! So I have CHOSEN to not go looking for any more hurt to be put on my feelings there. My lifetime is enough for me of their punishment and shaming.

And now I find I have cataracts in my right eye so badly that I can barely see, and to TRUST them to remove it and lay me up for a month while it heals is DEEPLY frightening to me! I think I also have heart failure (I have all the symptoms of it), but fear to go to my NEW doctor and even tell him for fear he'll do "too much" and maybe try "cutting for dollars" (which they do often, and I am nothing but a numbered chart and possibly dollar signs to that doctor). Losing weight, I can now more easily palpate my benign tumor on my parotid gland, but it's not growing, so that's ok. But all I have is you guys to talk to (and which I GREATLY appreciate)! I could really do with a hug or a million of them!!

I have learned this helplessness. I would like to UNLEARN it!!!! The internet says it's possible, so I will study that. My new T wants to just "fix" me with telling me NOT to think about "it" (childhood physical and mental abuse and adult emotional abuse and rejection from and of my "family") and to just ignore my experiences for all my lifetime, but that's a tall order and I think it's short-sighted. I believe that's why I FEAR FEAR FEAR asking my cousin R if he'd like some help with the Halloween decorations on Oct. 30 or 31. WHAT IF HE SAYS NO, don't come and don't call back!? He's the last family I have!!!!

I'm going to do what they said to do on that site: face my fears head-on. It is how I do things anyway.

================================================================

He wasn't home. We left a message. We'll see what happens.

===============================================================

Cousin R called us back. He doesn't need any volunteers, but said they would love to invite us to come over for Halloween. And we happily accepted. And he said to me as he hung up, "I love you, cousin." and I said the same to him. I believe we'll be ok.

Perhaps there's something to be said for facing my fears head-on.

I also began tonight counting up the first box of old VHS tapes, and I came across my beloved old Blackadder tapes. Blackadder was a BBC series put on by PBS here in the states and I taped faithfully every one of these hilarious comedies. I hesitated to throw them away...until I checked out YouTube and found all 4 seasons of the show there! ♥YAY!!! GOD BLESS YOUTUBE!!!!!!♥

Time for bed now...it's been quite a day.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello Honeybera


Leaving a mountain of hugs .....

Agree with you that you need to face whatever is blocking action - whether learned helplessness, something from past intruding on now, the inaction cause/s

When we come up with "I don't know why", that is when ,IMO, we need guidance to explore - if your T isn't up to that, can you find someone who is?

Great that you accepted Halloween invitation, may everyone have a lovely get together

How is your son? Recovered from head bump?

Pete Walker is very good useful read


More caring hugs

[honeybera]

Hello again...

I am watching an old VHS tape of ET today before donating it. I forgot just how ancient this technology is. DVDs are so much better, hold more info and data, are MUCH more clear and lifelike, and can separate the story line into chapters for easy access. It's making it easier to just donate the VHS tapes and LET THEM ALL GO. Odd that I had a professionally produced copy of this particular movie. I just figured that I'd watch it for old times sake.

It got me to thinking about letting MD go before she actually dies. Once dead, she will take with her so much of my own history. I really gave that some thought today, but I came to the same conclusion that I really should just stay away and avoid her until she passes. She always lies about everything, but embellishes it with a tiny pinch of the truth, so counting on her for my history just isn't feasible. How sad. I'd love to have her to go visit quite often and talk over old times, I really would, but it would be an exercise in futility and frustration for me. I've done it so often, and I know how it goes. And after such a visit, she always has to say some snide remark either about my (obese or inadequate) person or about my (clever, perfect, meeting ALL her needs) brother. I'm always the one who gets short shrift on those comments. It leaves me feeling worthless, left out, abandoned, and depressed. No matter how hard I try to be kind and/or helpful to her, I fall short of what my brother can do for her (according to her).

So why bother? I think until today I was concerned with missing the "Kind Mommy" bait she threw out to me. I called that game "Here, Birdy, Birdy", and it is a vicious game. MD can be cloyingly sweet and disarming when she wants to be. Why, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She lures me closer and closer with the hope that she has somehow changed and may possibly hold me in some esteem, and when she has me totally disarmed, "WHAMMO!!!", right across the head! Just like she did with the metal vacuum cleaner hose or her fist or whatever, but she is such that, over the last few decades, she can do it with mere words now. No, as sad as it is, I'm much better off staying away from her like she had the plague!

And once she's dead, she's dead. ♪ Ding-dong, MD is dead...♫ But death is such a permanent thing. I wish she understood that better, but it's just not in her scope of understanding. With all the death that has swirled around her, the only person that gave her any grief when they passed was my father. Not her sisters, not my grandparents, NO ONE ELSE! No kindness is great enough to soften her heart. I need to continue my avoidance of her for my own sake and self preservation, and I can see and feel just how sad an outcome that is for both her and myself, but is so absolutely necessary! I will continue to grieve that circumstance, however, yet leave her alone for my own sake and well-being.

I am SO GLAD that I am rekindling my relationship with my cousin R, and that he is happily responsive to it!! What a relief!

Back to the movie...(I also got quite a bit done today re: housework. )

Honeybera