REISHA 2017 (the journey continues...)

[reisha]

thank you, {{THERE!!}} - it really means alot, that ya replied in such depth.

i got most-a the damn ss thing filled out, & a call into em bout education - it sez to refer to date at toppa pg 1, & a-course, theres no date!!!! i went from 'head down' listin my med conditions - ptsd w/ anxiety & depression, dysphagia, sleep apnea, copd, GERD,arthritis, bursitis, tendonitis scoliosis,& then all the 'sub set' conditions of each ( neuropathy, periformis syndrome, sciatica, snapping hip syndrome, etc...) or the interplay between em. - cuz, the form also sez they'll consider that interplay, if im not DIS under one or another, i may be under all .... im pretty sure the dysphagia alone'll qual me - it did orig back when i 1st applied (sumwhere around '04 - '05 -surgery was '02, & it was bout a yr & 1/2 later)- the ss lady asked why i'd waited so long (uh, cuz i beLIEved my drs that it'd get better) - everyone had 'warned' me that no one get it 1st try, & to be prepared to appeal. that dinna happen, got it w/ back pay rite off.

the gnat issue ... they do tend to like my slop cans (rinse b4 put in recycle - duh!), & the wet cat food (certain 'flavors' more than others) yeah, im gonna hafta figger sum sorta dyi thing. i wanna spray em - how can i rig a 'puller' to the spray bottle, if i mount the bottle to a pole? - string, maybe? the string pulls off, due to angles - im more 'down' than 'back', if that makes sense. (im alreay lol'n at my 'lucy' ideas) - oh, & remember to cover everything b4 i spray.

i told t when she asked - we were talkin bout what i wanted from life (everything - ha!) & what i could do to achieve it that i probly needed more structure in my life, more discipline - that i needed to require more of myself (that ole scots 'pull-self-up-by-bootstrap' phoolosophy - never mind that i got no boots) - i can see several things wrong w/ that, or at least 'unrealistic' rite now. i think part-a why i sleep all day (& then am up most-a the nite) is due to my low weight. i AM gettin 8 - 10hrs sleep, even if not all at once ( i need about 8.5 to 9.5) & i do wanna sumhow get it switched to more 'normal' times. but i get so tired so quickly; my 'breaks' tend to last 18x's as long as my 'efforts'. meanwhile, stuff gets dirty/piles up/etc
& ino that w/ sum help, i would/could do a bit more - which is also kinda messed up - seekin 'it' from outside myself, instead w/in .... i dunno, its all messed up!
wish i had more $, TO BE ABLE TO HIRE SUMONE ... (oops! - dinna mean to yell there, too lazy to re-do) - i AM grateful for what i have - in wunna the most expensive areas of the country, to have a nice, large 1bdrm apt ( 'market rate of about $3k) - & i pay a mere token rent, 30% of my meager income of less than 1K - yes, i went thru hell/homelessness for almost 4 yrs b4 gettin it( & my 'hmlessness' was much less brutal than most, for which im also grateful - but i also take pride in that - my skills/resourcefulness certainly served me well in that!) - so it bums me that im not *Taking Care Of* it as well as i could/would/should.

hmm, i/r/t the 'home movies'. the aunt mom ones, - i dunno how to explain any-a this - its like, when i lay down to sleep, despite any bedtime rituals i do, sumtimes they pop in - kinda like, as im reviewin day (life) or settin 'list' (goals) for next day, this stuff'll crop up. w/ aunt-mom stuff, i can 'fast forward or rewind', put it aside. or, cuz its a 'movie', i can cut & crop, send stuff away - i do use the balloon technique at times. but w/ the bio-mom stuff, its like ... a zip file (lol, not!) - all squished & compacted into the one 'freeze frame'. at best, its like a flip book - still the still shots, a kinda herky-jerky jumpin from one image to the next. the balloon tech dunna work w/ these - ive tried lotsa diff techs, none very sucessful. i think, cuz they are 'compressed' thats part-a the prob. i dunno that 'unlockin' em is the way to go, but it seems like ive tried everything else. & (to me) whats weird is, i can write or tell the entire story, but in my head, its just the single images - if that makes sense. - i dunno ....

need to get flat for a bit here...
love & support to all!

[there]

reisha,
Can you buy a squeegee? Even if you can't get a long, telescoping one, you could duct tape it to a longer pole, broom, mop. Spray the stuff on the squeegee sponge, apply to ceiling. Better still, you can buy a Swiffer mop and do same. HGTV needs me!

Nice going diving into the fun forms!

I am still trying to move the inner Big Brother (old abusive T) out of my psyche. It's my psyche. I don't have the flashbacks of him now. Most effective lately---the empty chair technique. I yell at imaginary him sitting in kitchen chair.
Could help you, too?

You've had big Life Changes- those stressors in that well known list- divorce, death of loved one, illness, moving----yours being fighting homelessness long term, illness, setting up new living sitch. Seriously, you're doing well, reisha. You've had a few all at once. I don't think anyone could do any better with it, reisha. You get 10 giant gold stars!!!!

You would give a horse a rest after a long, hard ride. You've had major stress for almost 4 years- in just one area. Maybe you have some burnout!? I couldn't get organizing, much cleaning done here for a long time. I understand the $ constraints. Does T or S/W type person have any brainstorms?

Ok, I need a break for a bit now, lol!

[Couragetoday]

Hi Reisha,

Completely empathizing with the unpleasant paperwork.
Don't know if this is helpful-I type out all responses and save them to computer. That way when they ask for an update, 99% of the work is done.
Plus, there seems to be lots of overlap between questions asked in various forms from different people/companies.
So it's handy to have it there mostly completed.

Also so hear you on accepting and/or hiring help.
Difficult for many reasons but like you say might make it possible for you to do more?
I do get that it can be a big tangled mess, accepting that help.

Hope today had some good moments.

CT

[reisha]

thank ya, ladies!!

there - great idea about squeegie!!!!! & i like what ya said bout it bein YER psyche. & thanks, too for the ... validation/gold stars - how many do i need, to turn in for the car-a-beeb vacay?!

courage - thanks for the reminder - i do have a 'mistress' ( not 'master' - gender terms, yano ) sheet of my 'stuff' that could probly use a serious updatin....

talked w/ t bout the images/movies. the session was .... scattered/all over the place - for 1, i had really wanted to cancel - felt just LOUSEY. - spacey when vertical (as opposed to dizzy, if that makes sense), & just real deep & weary bone(?) hip/tendon/sacro pain. plus, we're in the midst of (yet another!) record breakin heat wave. ug. but i sumhow (wo)managed to haul my carcass to t. ( oh, yea. go. me.)& i laid on the floor, 'squirellin' around, tryin to ease pain. so im doin that while askin bout the images/movies. t - i think sumtimes dunna get it, or dunna listen. ino thats not fair(?) - mines a complicated tale, & its easy to get confused. but alota what we talked bout was .... the herstory, the timelines. i filled in sum (poignant, important(?) details i hadna b4.
as to tryin to get the still shots to move, she said (as she always duz) that its my choice (grr - ino she's rite, & thats the whole point of t - for *ME* to ~decide~ - t is done WITH me, not TO me, but still....)
my initial reaction is to say no; ino the story, i guess the images ~dont matter~. otoh, i am bothered by em, so .... uh, maybe?
she agrees that 1) i was younger w/ bio-mom, & probly was more disassociated - also, the abuses were more severe than w/ aunt-mom. so inna way, makes sense that those images dont move/are 'stuck'.
we both agree that its amazin im as functional as i am, given what i been thru. - & from there, its a sad & futile exercise to wonder what i mita been, who i ~coulda~ become, had i been seen, heard, loved, valued for who & what i truly was/am. - thats the trcik, to sumhow be able to re-imagine (re-parent?), to allow a new ID to emerge - one that satisfies my lil mauki (my small selves) & my current reisha self. ( i just wanna sleep!)

still havin lotsa anxiety' dreams - 2 recently involvin birds attackin other birds. one was .... onna field trip, & hawks & eagles in spectacular aerial dogfighs, feathers ( & body parts) tumblin to earth. there was more to it, not relevent to here. the other was crows attackin baby pigeons, but the crows would die/eplode when they did. & i was able to pet the breasts of brillant bluejays as they hovered. that one also had a 'war' component, like that real bad one i recounted here - in this latest one, it was MEXICO that trump had pissed off, & we were to 'shelter in place', as 'imminent strikes' would be occurrin by dawn.
can i sue him for trauma, pain & sufferin?

lost my keys on t day. came home, & ... the chip to get in the front was still attached to my bracelet; but my keys were nowhere. i dinna notice til i got to my door. good thing i keep a window cracked. was able to pry off screen & crawl thru. was a lil scared to tell mngr ( the lost, no the crawl) - no fees, or change of lock (them see my mess!) or even wait - new keys pulled from 'stashbox' by mngr & handed to m e, & ... end of that tail! yea, whew!
been 'putzin' a lil - chippin awaay at mess.

my 'jbird' friend (whose son was shot) - i finally spoke to her - VERY bizzarre/complicated tail - it was/na his gun; it was/na either suicide or murder. med evidence suggests suicide, but circumstancial suggests murder. 'hinkey' events/people recently. she wont sign off on death cert as suicide w/out autoposy & final police report, which is holdin up the settlin of his estate, etc, more, insane, typical ........... my hearts broken for her, but after 2 LOOOOOOONG convos ( as in, 1st convo ran almost 8 hrs!) & 2nd convo for several b4 i said i had to get flat. she's AllOver the place (understandable) - but im kinda concerned - this 2nd convo, she got into conspiracy theories, suggestin her son was murdered by CIA> my heart sunk, cuz the other stuff she told me - theres a much more 'sane' case for it bein suicide. my t is aware of 1st convo; 2nd convo was yesterday. this sage will (undoubtedly) continue..... if ya can, please put vibes out for her, that ~A~ Truth will emerge that she can live w/. - 'THE' Truth will never be known - too many variables. but i want for *A* Truth to reveal itself to her, that she can regain sum small measure of peace. & ino its gonna take a LONG time for that to happen.

this frigin heat wave! - my town usually dunna see much hotter than upper 80's durin summer - maybe a few days in low 90's. this summer, lotsa low 90's; & this wkend ( a-course! - its a major hell-o-day [end-o-summer]) its in low 100's. - excessive heat = sleep for me - too yuk-ug-ug for anything more strenuous!!!

altho, im bout to go ~plunk~ mice elf in a tepid/cool tub here soon - soon's im done pokin round the sparky new & improved site....
love 2 all
& a huge shout out to russ the new tech guy, & all the mods, etc!!!!

[recover]

((((((((((((((((((((((reisha))))))))))))))))))
not many words tonight sending love and hugs.
recover xo

[Fleur]

Dear Reisha

Read some of your posts from earlier this year. Sounds like you have had a very mixed bag of help offers that go nowhere or not as you'd prefer , people being ill or dying, with a few glimmers of sunshine in that you continue seeing same T and social worker, plus cats are more or less back to normal and you've a place to call your home

I looked online for ideas to attack gnats - there are different ideas for variety of situations. Perhaps if you search for specific beasty you'll work out a low cost, effective deterrent, that won't bother you or cats

Sighing with you regarding paperwork. Think it a very good idea to show s/w and/or T. Yeah, it feels invasive, violation of privacy and - my personal angst - who is going to read it, make decision around what I'm needing? As you say, it is YOUR life

International politics is screwy IMO. Totally crazy. Strangely, I've dreamt of being chased, waking up tangled in bedcovers and so tired from all the nightmarish activity.... A warlike siege has developed over past 10 days. Um ... Nights. Truly weird

Agree with you about keeping stash to prevent running out - maybe you can store a couple , or more, cans so you're safe from peril of no more? I usually have 3 weeks of nonperishable goods in cupboard, but isolation meant nothing bought for several weeks and now the anxiety is about lack of resources ($$ and food, etc). Soxy is OK for next fortnight but people food is short

Re the what if, wishful stuff, had life been different - hard to be sure, of course - but I like to think I'd have finished high school at 18, rather than 29, and studied to be an interior designer. Might have been a combination of commission and paid salary employment.... Who knows?!!

Hoping that your weight increases to give you more energy to do what you choose. My mother used to swipe butter - grandma kept some in a glass dish on the table for the purpose, as Mum was a real finicky eater. At 21, she was 32 inches in bust and hip and Dad's hands could encircle her waist. 5 feet 6 inches tall. She used to be extremely active

Relating in case it prompts your taste buds to try doing something similar

Does putting honey, chocolate powder or other flavouring into slop help disguise taste?

Thank you for writing on my thread, apologies for having taken so long to get to yours


Very soft caring hugs

[there]

reisha,
Hugs if ok.
It looks like it was harder for me to get back online on the site than for some others. Took me quite a while. Here I am.
Just catching up with everything you've posted. Thinking of you and hoping the weather chills out for you!

[reisha]

thank ya, recover, fleur, there

fleur - im touched by yer in depth reply. i knew ya'd make it over here, eventually - no worries. thank ya for the research on the ##(@*!#& gnats. was noddin at just how similar, how much ya understand bout ... dates, & supplies, & cat food, & isolation, &, well... & just everything. im sorry to know ya know - that ANY-a us know. <sigh!>

there - i had my lil panicked email flurry to jonesy, & rebootin & fresh batteries, to get back on site - funny, i dont come here EVERY day, but when i do visit, its ... 'critical'. there is a great .... comfort, just in knowin its here, thats often all i need to calm down, & so when i CANT come here, its sometimes anxiety producin, if that makes sense - hadna realized just how much i do rely on it.

SO! got the ss 'novel' turned in ( & not leavin w/out 'reciept' - learned long ago, even if it means waitin longer, to NEVER leave a social security office w/out it!! - usually, that means havin sum bean countin geek time/date stamp a copy of whatever ive brought. HOWever..... this particular bcg decides that i dinna go into enuff detail bout when i worked for IHSS, five yrs ago & wants better info. ok, uh - i just signed a waiver for ya to pry into my whole damn life, & YER the one who found it in the 1st place on yer puter - i'd forgotten all bout it, so as we're havin this convo, & im rememberin a bit more, i tell him what i recall about hrs & rate of pay etc, etc, but thats not good enuff for him. - now, KIM, he's got the yrly totals on his puter - well - divide the totals by how many months i worked each yr - duh! but an ave isna gud enuff, cuz if i was over x amount for any month, ..... bla blabla..... i now have ANOTHER novelette to turn in w/in 2 wks - preferably w/ pay stubs (molded wet & tossed from posum palace 'storage') - hell, he can damn well do his damn job & get it his OWN self!!!! MY taxes are payin him!!!!! HARUMPH!!!!! im goin to my hmls attny maybe this wk, to guide me thru how to amend & fill out this thing - oh! thats another grr! - as im tellin him what the sitch was, he's REWORDIN what im sayin & writin it down. - uh, i dinna say i dinna have the energy; i said i had no STANIMA OR STRENGTH!!!! & a-course, the 'back-2-work' (mandatory) speech - even after i tell him i weigh less than 85 lbs & wont be returnin to work any time soon, he has the f'n balls to say to mee ' ya never know what life may hold' - ARRRRRGH!!!!!!
ok, they're sposta review ya every 5 yrs or sumtin - i became dis in '05 ( well, '02, but i dinna know it or apply til then) & ive NEVER had to do a re-cert, so i guess im due.
cant help but think its a bit .... 'trumpish', but that may just be my 'paranoia' thinkin

have a checkin/up appt w/ pcp next wk - weight stuff; & the last wk, lotsa BILE reflux, vomit/dry heave - soonest GI appt is next month (after bs VM hell for 2 days) - when feelin up to it again, will call care co-ordinator & try again. oh! 7 the otehr ins lady called when i was in t last wk, so couldna answer, ive called her back thurs, 2x on fri, & once today ....... this alone, not to mention the other stuff has me thinkin its maybe/probly not rite for me(?)

have several friends in the IRMA path - one chached in this a.m. - ok. so monitorin puter more than usual, waitin for others to chceeck in.

lots more, but need to get flat

love to all - todays a hard day in amreica - annaversery of 9/11 & all, yano......
{{{{ALLA US, EVERYWHERE!!!}}}}

[Fleur]

Dear Reisha


I'd overlooked Monday's date being 2001 anniversary. I clearly recall footage, asking husband if it was a movie - said looked so real. That's because it IS real he said, looking at me strangely - how on earth was I supposed to know when I'd only woken up a few minutes previously? Certainly changed many aspects of society. Were there any commemorations near you?

Totally agree with you about SS staff doing their job, and not "translating" customer's words. May the next instalment be the last for at least 5 years

I really hope SS person is right - that you improve out of sight, become fully healthy and enjoying every little bit of life, without having to get flat on a frequent basis, etc ...
Understand that this might just require a small miracle ... May it be so. Meanwhile, you need all the helpful assistance you can gain

Wishing you well for all the appointments - may all reports be accurate and have ways to overcome any deficits

Yeah, really wonderful that iSurvive is here, whenever we want - Russ seems to have it in hand, mostly sorted - a beautiful caring person

May you enjoy a peaceful early autumnal day


Sending soft hugs for you and pats for cats

[there]

reisha,
Woke up and read your latest.

Grrr at the SS fool. That's me being polite.

9/11 stuff coming up for me, too. Was philosophizing about life and loss with Uber driver as he drove me home from work. We passed some guys in white military garb who were with flags and police car. Memory is making me sad and queasy.

Had my email freakout to Jonesy, too. Timing was bad for me. Glad site is up and running well at least here in EST zone.

Watched CNN YouTube bootleg feed on Irma for many hours off and on over weekend.

Sending you and kitties hugs and pats.