REISHA 2017 (the journey continues...)

[reisha]

well, that was kinda ... very stressful, disappointing & a lil triggering....
had behavioral s/w assessment for new ins t'day...
they dont have much of a 'pysche' component; & this s/w dunna do counseling anymore. she can look into ... sum sorta 'can-they-find-another-contractor' thing that i dinna really understand. she was .. kinda discouraging me against this ins, cuz she dinna wanna 'offer a lower level of care'. i told her (among other things) that from a MEDICAL pov, i really want this ins; that im tired of 'fightin same fight over & over'; that i'd had enuff therapy where i kinda-sorta (almost, not quite) have a big, full toolbox (dinna mention its often buried under all my ~crap~!); i could avail myself more of ... other social/support things, like the senior centers, etc.
course, we dont get to all ^that^ til AFTER ... alotta 'nosy & intrusive' 'back herstory' questions - no real easin into it or anything, just BAM! rite into it. do have an eating disorder? other psyche disorders? <checks her notes> how long have ya been seeing pdoc? t? ever been p-hosp'd? what about foo story? etc, etc...
i wasna prepared for it. kinda went into 'robot mode' - super 'cold & clinical', as i (w/out emotion) ... ran thru the 'low lites' of my Home Movies...
UG!!!
they dont really have art/etc therapy; there is live music; the day programs are more geared towards dementia; most of the clients are considerably older, & the younger ones often find the programs depressing - at least she was realistic/truthful(?)

next up is a visit from an rn sumtime .....
then everything submitted to the state for final review/approval/rejection/acceptance.....

this is more stressful than a f'n JOB int'view!!!
i mean, i get that its a specific program, w/ specific requirements, butt!
its friggin HEALTH INS< yano?!?!?!?!?! - i mean, who's the buyer/seller here? & regardless, the normal rules of biz Do Not Apply.......
can ya hear me
screamin my fool f'n head off
NOW?!?!?!?!?

theres alot more to that, im confident y'all can Read BeTween The Lines.....

finally started the chantix last wk, for the 3rd time, for the LAST time - ug! gettin 'the buildup' in my body is ruff - 1st time wsa worst, but now its like a mild/mod case of flu - lethargic, chills/sweat, *NAUSEA!/vomiting* ....

house is toxic waste dump (they things we tell ourselves!) - dunna if that'll help/hurt case....

now pisse/frustrated/dissappointed w/ 'aunty' - this is 2x in a row now she's 'bs anxiety canceled' part/all off schedlued plans. AND interupted/talked over me (probly what annoys me most bout her, & as told t, weighin rest of relationship, meekNmild me is reluctant/hesitant to bring up/confornt (even tho ino confrontations dont hafta be confrontational)
so now have 'self punished' by cancelin rest-a plan. <Not Worth It, & ~besides~, ive got too much to do...> - *MUST* do sum sorta cleanin-a sumtin here, SOON!!!!

& again, much more/else/other - too much to 'bother w/'
need to get flat/pull covers over head again

{{ISURVIVE!!}}

[DewDrop]

Hi reisha,

That does sound like a very unpleasant and discouraging sw meeting. I wish that we could all simply be provided the care we need. Doesn't seem like that should be a lot to ask for, but this nation...

I was wondering if Chantix might be helpful for W, but your description leads me to think no.

Sounds disappointing about Auntie. I wonder what might be up on her end.

I am with you on no tax for med. Thus far, we have just the normal sales tax, and plans to tax rec. I feel bad that anyone needs to pay such a huge tax on their meds.

Sending positive energy Bird's way. Sounds just awful what happened..

Much love to you,

DewDrop

[there]

reisha,
The intake -yikers! I hope you can get some good support this way.
I understand about you bagging the whole 'aunty' schedule. If not feeling or being respected, why show up? Also get how it feels like self-punishment. Damned if do, if don't.
We're still here for you, reisha. I am doing same thing with someone. I'm pissed at her and sad, too.
With you on cleaning. I need to find way to not let stuff fall on bedroom floor or behind bed. Also, how to not accumulate to begin with. Working on that.
Sending love and homemade chocolate chip cookies, cuz I made some GF ones!

[Banana]

Hi reisha

It sounds like life is generally quite rough for you at the moment. I'm so sorry about that. Reading about the s/w assessment you had for your insurance, it really set me on edge. I have experienced very unfeeling and rather, um, efficient (if that's the right word?) professionals. I wish all this insurance stuff didn't have to be so difficult for you. Being in the UK, I don't really understand it all but it does all seem very complicated and not particularly supportive. How long until all this is sorted out?

Sending you heaps of hugs and much caring
Banana

[reisha]

oh, {{{FRIENDS!!!}}}
how wonderful to see yer posts here!!!

dewd - chantix WORKS REALLY WELL!!!! - i would suggest W try it - it TOTALLY eliminates the urge/desire to smoke!!!! - IMO/E, its for 'hard core' smokers who've tried other methods, & had those methods fail them (i firmly believe its the TREATMENT that fails, & not the PATIENT!!) <When *IM* Queen...!>
appreciate yer 'validation' on Med/tax (etc)

there - appreciate yer 'validation' of my 'aunty issues' (atm) - sorry to know ya understand. - yeah, the 'house chores' thing i just cant seem to get a handle on. - & its extra-yuk rite now, cuz 1) i ran outta $ bout 1/2 way thru last month, so hadta make due w/ supplies in stock/on hand. ... have run outta things like laundry detergent (hand washin w/ shampoo!), dish soap (same!) <-- er, NOT! have let (mostly rinsed) dishes pile up, & what w/ bein outta TRASH BAGS too!!!!!.... gnats are back in force, & me, w/ no more flea spray, or fly strips (altho the one thats up is COVERD in gnats) <-- GROSS! - oh! also outta CAT LITTER! (actually, chewy just delivered it, but its still outside my door)
& i hanva *properly* bathed in far too long ....
hear ya on the 'accumulation' thang too - bane of 'artistic folx' - i currently have several s***loads of 'readin material' to recycle


{{BANANA!!}}
how delightful to see ya stop by!!!!
its ok that ya dont understnad the ins stuff - i dont think anyone (here) does either - kinda like 'puters - sum folx know sum things, but no one knows ~it all~. i'd *hoped* (silly me - ino better'n to do that!) or planned to have switched ins by/on sept 1st. but now it looks like ..... (i dunno!) - maybe i stay w/ current ins thru end of yr/wait & see whats offered next yr; there are 2 other (non-kaiser) county plans - one i'll call 'll', the other - (lol), is 'aa'. dunno anything bout aa; have 'crossed paths' w/ ll, as many of the drs in my area are providers for multiple plans, & ive seen that they are ll drs (if that makes sense); or try 'original' medicare/medical - i think, w/ that option, im kinda the one to negotiate individually w/ each dr/provider to see if they take them ....
ug!
i want single payer guar govt not-4-profit healthcare!!!! (that covers slop, dammit!)

i really dont like the idea of givin up therapy as a 'trade off' for ('better'(?)/... more comprehensive) medical care. & atm, im pretty annoyed/fed up w/ this hoop-jumpin process. *IF* their med side lives up to its hype ( & i spose *IF* i qual!); *IF* the other services (transpo, in home visits if/as needed, med delivery, etc) all pan out, then i *spose* its ~worth it~ - altho, i wonder/doubt my 'motivation' to actually DO/GO to other senior center, or swimming, or exercise, or social - based on recent (non)events, & general 'bedslug'-ness'. lots to weigh/consider.....

need to stop by all yer threads soon, but must 'get clean' 1st

lo ve 2 all!!

[recover]

hello dear reisha,
here with support. wish i could say more but just want you to know i care.
love,
recover xo

[reisha]

sad

it seems theres a 'troll' on site. at 1st, i tried to read their crap w/ compassion at 1st - found myself very turned off by their ... 'take' on the world, on things. so, i mostly Scrolled On By. i see more posts by this person - often w/ 'titillating' titles. occasionally, i peek. the posts are rigid, extreme, & .... oh, so f'd up. so too, are this persons replies/interactions on others threads. accusatory, rigid, (unkind). still trying for compassion, i fail. i am revolted, angry, fearful that this person will invade my space, my sanctuary. there is an ... both arrogance & ignorance this person shows that really upsets me; not unlike 'rite-wing-nut-jobs'. generally, i do not condemn ignorance - TRUE ignorance is nothing to be ashamed of. if ya've never been exposed to sumtin, the ignorance is 'honest'. but when ya've been presented w/ other viewpoints, given resources to educate yerself, & ya STILL insist on retainin yer ignorance.... well, now yer addin arrogance to it, & thats when i become MUCH less forgiving.

nuthins 'moved' on the ins front - need to make calls. feel discouraged, let down

house still 'toxic'/filthy - i dont do shit, just stay in bed all damn day..... this saddens me, but i dont know how/what to do, to get outta this rut.

still mad at 'aunty' - am thinkin of writin her a letter. - thats kinda scary....

{{plunk!!}} - poor guy! sumhow, he's got fleas again. i really dont understand how an inside cat........ but i also think he's got an 'anxiety disorder' - he excessively is chewin on his butt/hindquarters - was doin that 'pre-flea'. but now, w/ the fleas, its really bad.&, as old as he is (he'll complete his 16th yr this oct!), when he chews on himself, he pees!!! - argh! long ago, when i bred manx, i'd occasionally have a kit w/ spinal probs; i got 'cabbage patch' (doll) pampers. wish i had em now!

am mostly just ... disgusted w/ self, lack-a motivation. like, have rent CASH, but have yet to get a MO for it. <wrist-2-fourhaids> - its a PITA to do. i can a)walk the 8 blocks each way to bank for cash, then, avoid the $7..50 Mo fee by walking back + an additional 2 blks to get a CHEAP MO; b) walk 5 blocks & still pay $7 to do it all in one shot at western union (as they dont have w/drawal limits) or, c) go across street & pull cash from non-bank atms ($5 fee, & a $200 limit - which dunna *quite* cover rent, therby requirein two transactions, costing $10 in fees) & pay for cheap MO. damn apts only accept MO's. wish i could do auto-pay.

need to bathe

must be time to pull covers back over head.....

[there]

Reisha,
My eyes are bleary as I'm reading and as sleep eludes me.
Just want to say I'm reading and thinking of you. Will reply more in depth later after, hopefully, enough sleep. 1 a.m. is now so late for me. Guess it's some kind of progress.
(((((reisha)))))

[DewDrop]

Hi reisha,

Can't say much right now, but i am disgusted by said "trolling". Is it a troll, or genuinely like that? I don't know, but it is harmful and makes me not want to be here. It feels like deliberate provocation/ use of triggering content/ etc. . It is not ok. This needs to be a safe place, and that crap can make things unsafe for some folks. Something that was said messed us up pretty bad over here, but thankfully am ok.

Flees suck. A good excuse for an EO spaydown though. You can tell here if there are flees around, by the strong scent of clove. The scent always makes things seem a bit cleaner/fresher than they actually are.

Yesterday I cleaned a space which hadn't been cleaned for many months. In the end, cleaning up felt therapeutic. Also good to feel an accomplishment.
I hope you soon can do a bit of tidying soon.

I hear you on bathing. It is often hard here to distinguish between hippiness and self-neglect. I am thinking for me, lately that in terms of hygiene, it has largely been self-neglect.. It feels better to not be filthy.

That is a pain about the MO requirement, and ATM fees. I need to get to the bank to get a mo to pay certain fees to the state. I don't think the state understands the extent of the complication. I suppose it isn't a big deal for a lot of folks.

That's a lot more than I thought I'd get to say.

Love,

Dewd

[there]

Hi, reisha,
Bathing sounds appealing to me in this humidity.
I've taken up brief cold showers again. They help me feel more in my body, for one thing.
Tidying, we can so it! Dewdrop sounds positive about that. I need to dig out behind the bed. Soon.
Sometimes just setting a very small cleaning goal works for me. Even just picking up a few loose papers and bits from the floor is a good thing.
Not sure who the troll is.
Hope plunk gets flea free in a hurry.
I hear you on the getting the payment thing done. I have to pay something, too, that I've been putting off. Grr.
Hoping the insurance thing can still come through. Understand feeling discouraged. Please don't give up, though. You are well worth taking great care of, reisha.