REISHA 2017 (the journey continues...)

[reisha]

:~> tahnks, {courage!}

ok, to *flipp* to a slightly differnt topic -
the 'relapse prevention cards' exercise, & esp the emotions part.

its so easy to confuse other things aas emotions, esp given our ... vernaculars.

to point: we often say ' i feel like.....' & that rite there is a 'mis-speak' when doin this exercise, any time ya put the word 'like' after the word 'feel', thats a clue that yer confusin things!!!!!

heres sum examples:
i feel like im a joke
i feel like kickin the everluvinshitt outta...
i feel like every time we enage, ya never listen....

lets look a lil closer at these statements, & see if we cant correct them, to fit this exercise.

i feel like im a joke. - how can we restate that, to get to the emotion behind it? what are we actually sayin in this statement?
its actually a thot. so, we mite want to rewrite the card w/ i THINK im a joke. & when i think im a joke, i FEEL......
emotion-words that come to mind are diminished, incompetent, 'less than' (not really an emotion!)

the next example - i feel like kicking.....
any guesses on what that actually is? ok, i'll spill - that, dear friends, is an URGE. so, whats the emotions behind that? well (duh!) anger, for one.

the last example is again, a THOT, masquerading as an emotion.
so, it aint as easy as it seems!! - this exercise, btw was a SEMESTER LONG class, devoted solely to this exercise!!! we worked both solo, & in groups, to check/challenge the accuracy of our cards. it was tuff, at times, to get clear on the diff tween thots, feelings, & urges. - & that was the whole point!!! to see how often we confuse things, let our feelings & urges do our (stinkin) thinkin for us.

ok, end of lesson - skools out!!!

love to all!!!

[recover]

(((((((((((((((((((((reisha)))))))))))))))))
no words today. just want to say love you girl.
recover xo

[Jitterbug]

So sorry, Reisha. Just so sorry.

Sending much love

Jitterbug

[reisha]

thank you, jitterbug.

i *think* im ok. in sum ways, its a relief to know flipps pain is over. im sure i'll still be hit w/ bouts of sadness, grief; & thats ok.

i wi$h i could travel for his funeral (several states away). it sounds like it'll be a beautiful service - his 'casket' is woven wickerwork, in the shape of a sub!!! they're talkin bout it bein a viking funeral, - settin it afire as they launch it. so im a lil unclear on this, cuz ino he was/is cremated. im not sure if he's already cremated, & they're sendin his ashes in the sub, or if thats what he's gonna be cremated in. there'll be <sync yer watches, maties!> several 'regional' memorials too, as we all login to the live stream.

in other news, i got a call last nite that ..... kinda freaked/is freakin me out (in a 'good' way?). came in bout 7pm - i see its from my (housing) s/w.
hello!
reeeeeeeeesha? (in a deeper voice than usual. & they close @ 5, so im already a lil 'on guard')
i tell her ino its her. no, the voice sez, this is 'art' (woman, art director. for purposes here, she's 'art') - oh! im sorry, another call came in that i must take - can i call ya back inna few?
yes i say, hangin up to wait...
& my brain's all runnin in overdrive - we only ever met a coupla-a times, & i got the impression she dinna really like me (or, maybe i dont really like her?)
a lil back herstory - my s/w knows/knew of my artsy-fartsyness, & arraigned for me to be able to participate in 'arts' art therapy solely for the art sake, & NOT the therapy', months ago (b4 may, when i got this apt; cuz i was still livin @ 'crazytown' when all this occured), when 'art' had a 2 part mask making class. the masks were eggcrate cardboard (never seen that b4!) so, ya could cut em if ya wanted, make an inner face under the (cracked open) outer face by usin 2 masks. - at least, that was where my head went w/ things, when i saw the supplies.
in my (usual) 'Too Much Of Anything Is Just Enuff'' way, i grabbed a shitload of 'stuff' - broken bits of jewelery, feathers, glitter, etc, etc ...... 'art' kinda frowned at me ( i felt - er, uh, THOT she disapproved of my 'greediness') & went to work.got alotta the 'basic' paintin done, & farted around w/ the 'bits', as i played w/ ideas, eliminatin sum items, gettin more of others.... 'art' did NOT seemed pleased when i added to the convo/('therapy').
end of that 1st class, i gatherde my stuff, to continue workin on it @ home, & i never went back for the 2nd session. when i'd see 'art' as i met w/ my s/w, 'art' was always aloof, standoffish. or ignored me completely. eventually, i finished my mask, & gave it to my s/w to give to 'art' (cuz that was part-a the 'deal'; then all masks would be displayed)

so, as im sittin here last nite, waitin for 'art' to call, im runnin ^those^ home movies, wonderin wtf!?! my 1st inclination was to wonder What I've Done Wrong - f'n anxiety response - grr!!! however, i actually NOTICED that thot, & then decided maybe it was sumtin GOOD 'art' wanted to talk about. <insert a few 1/2 thot out 'grandiose' fantasies!>
so, i just about get comfy w/ that idea when she calls...
again, her voice is 'thick'. & she says ' i dont know how to tell you ...' & now im thinkin - oh shit, she's gonna tell me my s/w is dead. & in that thot, noticed that that was where i went; & i understood why (flipp). so i dinna really register what all she was sayin, in my mild disassociating.
she was 'gushing'. used words/phrases like stunned. incredible. deep. speechless. she was talkin bout my mask.
now im really confused as i thanked her for the compliments, sayin hmm, i dont really remember exactly what-all it looks like, been so long. she sez that my s/w just gave her the bag 2 days ago, & she just opened it. so, we chat a bit about 'the timeline/delay', & 'life' & no co-inky-dinks, then she asks if i can come in to talk w/ her in person more about my mask. appt is next fri.
& in my 'grand fantasy', she'll offer me a gig. or .... i dunno. probly nuthin'll come of it (shut up, Berator!) then the anxiety tries to creep back in - WHY does she want to talk in person!?!?!?! its not like i was ever part-a her 'groups'. i wasna HER client! - noticing these are MY Thots, & Feelings about her, & maybe im wrong &/or projecting.....
so, im sittin in mild conflict w/ this - pleased that she 'noticed' my artwork, yet uneasy about 'confronting' her about it; & slightly ..... untrusting of what she wants, her motives.

well, guess its a good thing t is back from vaycay (after 2 wks!) & i see her this thurs.

love to {{{ALLA US!!}}}

[there]

I imagine your mask is amazing , reisha! What kinda gig would you like to be offered by her if she were to go there? Can you tell me more about your mask? If you don't want to, is fine, too.

Am working on setting up 2nd (permanent) kids' drama class at new library I scouted out. My boss is even paying me to do the phone/interpersonal/connecting work. Didn't expect that at all!

Here's to really interesting good things happening!!!

[reisha]

thansk for askin, {there}

as i recall, ... theres 2 masks - as state, an outer one thats cracked open to reveal the 2nd mask inside. the 'crack' is a jagged cut vertically down the center, then that mask is peeled back. the inside mask has a tree of life/van gogh sky goin up her nose & across forehead. lite, brite, pastel colors. the cracked mask was painted both inside, & outside. the inside part of the outside mask was all dark & angry colors, w/ 'bad words & phrases' written grafitti style - all those shitty triggers my my FOO would throw at me; all the LIES i struggled w/ NOT beLIEving. i forget what the outside of the outside mask looks like. those are mounted onna board, 'framed' w/ the remnants of a fur-fru white feather fan. plastic 'ivory' 'carved' spines, & small, bedraggled ostrich feathers. these were arraigned around the mask(s) in a kinda 'kachina' pattern/headress. knowin me, theres probly a few glued broken bits of seashell/moss/wood/bark/glass - i really dont recall it, or the details all that well. i mean, shit .... its been close to a yr since i gave it to m s/w to give to 'art'.
if there were a gig involved .... runnin an art class @ the senior center, or who knows who 'art' knows....... i mean - its just ... so bizzaaarre, that i be contacted bout the mask by her this much later. altho, to be fair, its all new/current to 'art' so .... i dunno....

oh! kids/library - way cool!! - *'duh!'* - thanks for a good idea/lead for me, ~should~ i ever decide to 'get outta bed & get ON w/ life'

p.s. - its ok to talk ESP stuff here too

[Couragetoday]

Hi reisha,

The mask you made sounds really cool.
I'd feel unsettled as well...being contacted out of the blue like that.
Good luck with your appointment next Friday. I hope somthing that feels good to you comes from it.

Lots of caring,

Ct

[Jitterbug]

((((((((((((((( Reisha )))))))))))))))

Jitterbug

[there]

Thanks, reisha, for the full description of your mask. I can imagine it pretty well. It sounds amazing, truly incredible!

Whatever the "art s/w" says, does, reacts like, you've got this, girl! Jmo, but took her freaking long enough!

Creativity is the true power, and you have plenty! You have fans here.

ESP, all of the "clair----s", things that happen like messages from loved ones on the "other side"...
I have had so many of the last type, from my parents, mostly my Dad.

Am pretty tired today-- winter challenges me. So gave myself a footbath with EO's, lemon and Cypress. Lying down for a while now.

Hope your weekend has many bright spots!

[recover]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((reisha))))))))))))))))))))))))))
lots of love to you.
recover xo