im baaaack! ( & so are my demons)

[reisha]

havin probs postin - my end/network.

hadda big ole long post/update/intro typed out & hit the wrong key & lost it (which is just more 'proof' that the universe hates me.......) - will try again later - suffice to say, the past 2 yrs have been .... 'difficult' & my internal landscape - in response to my external 'stimuli' - well, its been one long series of triggers, & things have (finally!) fallen apart enuff where I can 'indulge' the fears, neg self talk, SI, hopelessness, despair, poor decisions & all the rest.

shoulda (yes, lotsa rules & regs in my haid!) opened w/ a hello, or glad to see sum familiar names, but sad to see em too - only here does that make sense; or a bit about whats brought me back (that's the post I lost) - will try again later, for now, I think I need a lil break (ha! that's at least what I need...!)

** I DO have a question for the mods - its not that I talk like a pirate as much as it is that I cuss like a sailor, so do I go w/ MT or ST for my language content?

[Beachlady]

(((((((((((((((((((REISHA!!!!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO glad / sad to see you here, dear friend. I've missed you much!!!!
I want to hear ALLLLLL about the last couple of years and catch up....
sending a yacht and purple ponies and SOOOO many huge hugs.

Tons of love,
Beachlady

[reisha]

{{{{BEACHLADY!!!!}}}}}

im bawlin my eyes out, to 'see' you, & so soon after I got here - (TY!) - ive missed you terribly too, my friend. - maybe the universe dunna hate me quite as much as I like to think (?) - ino, its all .... just a matter of 'perspective' (as ya believe, so it is.... <sigh!>)

lessee.... (lemme try this again...)

ok, - Dec of '10: I finished my schoolwork, got my cert & was off On My Own (no support/network w/ my program, just a 'sheepskin', handshake & ~good luck~ - go peddle yer ass & knock on doors, & ya got 5 yrs to complete the 3k hrs of intership b4 state lic.) - ok, no prob! (yeah, RITE! - anyone checked the 'economy' lately, or funding for any-a these 'feel-good-social-help-onna-shoestring' programs!?!) - ok, so was havin sum trouble w/ that, for several reasons, not the least of which was - livin in ~FaaaaaarEastBumFukCounty~/AKA 'bass-ackwards redneck land, Central (stated edited for member privacy) version 3.1 ... where funding was pretty much non-existant, the few programs offered either shut down, or severly underfunded - the was an afterschool kids court mandated one, a DUI one, & a womens shelter that focused more on other issues, their 'addiction program' was joke. but mostly, it was the.....mentality of the area/programs - now, don't get me wrong, but all 3 were (partially) funded by an org where the ONLY option for sobriety was the 'ya-gotta-get-jeezes-to-get-sober' model. I'd *swallowed* enuff-a that crap durin my school internships & it burned my ass, as im bein taught lotsa other models, most of which made a fuk-lot more sense..... so, expanding my 'ground zero' radius (ok, i'll try 30 miles from home ... do I hear 40? i'll take 60 for gas money, alex....) - &, I was lookin at mostly volunteer positions - intern = 'slave' - Not Worth payin
SO!
Jan of '11, my ex starts wantin to 'discuss the house' - MY house, that I paid for, that Igot in the divorce (that he was now payin on) - - he couldna afford shit any more, & needed to re-nego - yeah, the reason why? he & lil wifey hadda 2nd brat - fukker dinna tell me up front, I hadda find out in a rather unpleasant way, 4&1/2 months into 'discussions' - rite, ok, so here we go - all the shit he pulled, put me thru that caused our divorce - same song, 2nd verse....
I got rid of SOOOOO much, so many things - dinna no where I was goin, pissed at him (duh!) - timing really sukked; no income, except for DIS hadda be out by july 4 of that yr......

found a live in care givin position in NearEastBumFukCounty for a bwedridden stoke patient. ('S'). paid thru county program. her daughter ('L') managed her case. had her house completely remodeled, so basically a new home. was promised space for things, including garden, but L went back on her word - most my stuff in storage anyway, whats a bit more? L went back on alotta things - I got no time/days off - she f'd w/ hrs/pay/relief workers.. ..... lots of other issues. I had that for 15 months, then she fired me. but 6 months into it, my car died, so I got a 2nd job from my friend 'eve', who couldna deal w/ it - an 'office' gig. so, I juggled the 2 jobs, got another car & then got fired by L this past sept. once again, couldna find housing - I still had One Lousy teeny stock acct - an <gasp!> ASSET!!!! - well! cant get on DIS/low income/section 8 lists (those that still exist!) when I got assets!.............so, I been 'sofa surfin' at 'eves' since sept....

then the 2nd job got raided in feb. (not fun, esp the 'waiting' to see if I got charged - I dinna, thank gawd - & no, the irony of It All never escaped me...)

so, tryin to sell stuff, to eat; losin/getting rid of any thing that mite be an asset - once im truly destitute, they can help keep me there, but to try & be a 'real' member of society?

& continuing decline in health/more issues

&, &, &, ... whanna, whine, poor me, pity party, sleep/insomnia, disgust, dismay - beyond disappointment, rage, anger, blame, SI, poor choices/decisions, neg self talk, hopelessness (helpless...), etc, etc - orangejaglad ya asked?

saw wunna yer threads, have a teensy idea of how yer doin - how ARE ya doin?

hugs & luvs, my friend!!!

[Beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

YEEEESSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Ohhh, my dear friend, I had no idea. I am soooooo sad to hear how hard it's been. And so admiring how you have managed obstacles that would have crushed so many.

And I have a few choice unprintable words for the list of idiots I'm GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRing at on your behalf, like L and your ex (there would be no chance of more babies if I got my claws into him!) and programs designed to make you crawl for the privilege of dog-paddling..... GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

Disgust and dismay and rage and anger all sound VERY VERY reasonable to me!!!!! At those idiots on the list, not at yourself, please....

I am sooo glad you're here, sounds as though you could do with a very very hefty dose of love and care and support and comfort and dignity and respect and oh, did I mention love.....
Sending all of those and more.

Huge hugs and love to you, dear friend.
Love, Beachlady

[tommy]

reisha,

Welcome back to the forums.

I hope this helps to answer your question:

...regardless of content, the use of profanity within a post merits a Yellow MT and
regardless of content, excessive profanity within a post (upwards of 3) merits a Red ST.

[reisha]

thanks, tommy - I knew that was in there somewhere, just couldna quite remember what the limits were.

yes, BL - ive had 'visions' of doing Great Harm to my ex - my fave is seein his stupid round pasty dough-boy pumpkin head mounted on fence posts, stretching to eternity, & me - w/ a studded 2 x 4, saunterin merrily along ... whapp! whapp! whapp!

ive * mostly* let go of that (ha!); kinda replacing his image w/ my own, I guess, as I beat myself up for my poor/bad choices - in 'panic mode' & out of desperation, grasping at (stupid) (non-existent) (non-sustainable) 'straws'. - ~knowin~ I Cant Rely on or Trust anyone, anything.......

everything framed as failure & loss, & runnin my current sitch to its 'logical conclusion', & well..... suicide often seems like a pretty good option. im old, decrepit, *failing* health, *losing* not just my possessions (its Just Stuff!), but my mobility as well; All Alone - shuffle off to the old folx home, where I can 'complete my rot' - why put myself (or anyone) thru that? ~better~ to hang it all now, Take 'Control' of things & go out on my own terms....

so, the biggest battle is (as always!) in my own head - trying to find (believable) counters to my neg self talk (this, too, shall pass? - well, yeah, mebbe soon's I off mice elf....); & even more, tryin to find 'motivational' counters so that I DO something, anything, other than hide under the covers, crying, shaking, gagging, ~escaping~ into reading, or online, or crafting - the last bringing me more grief as my critics find fault w/ my creations AND berate me for not .... DOING something 'worthwhile' to bring in income.
I pretty much believe im useless as a worker any more (& didja notice how ive got all my built in blames & excuses as to why the counselin thing aint a go no mo'?)

just another 'throw away girl', worthless, stupid & ugly - no WONDER im in this sitch - brought it all upon myself, reap whatcha sow, I DESERVE this.....all my aunts, all my bio-moms, all the mean things anyones ever said or accused me of now a chanted litany-mantra of f'd up thots (death mite end the pain, or at least stop the 'voices')

its not what happens, its how ya deal w/ it ...... & I *must* be defective - OTHER people manage to go bankrupt/homeless/ill w/ humbleness & grace; w/out fallin apart - WHY cant I? (oh why, oh why...)

&, of course - waaaaay in the back of my f'd up lil pea-brain, there is still the ~wish~ (hope - ha!) that somehow, i'll get 'rescued'. that Someone will *save* me (from myself). & then we're back to the trust issues, the abandonment crap - round & round we go.

so, as im ~waiting~ for confirmation that ive *lost* my last assets - I really have no idea what else to DO, other than sell off what I can & *hope* - throw myself on the 'mercy' of the govt (yeah, theres a 'trustworthy savior!') - I keep asking 'what am I resisting, what do I *need* to Let Go Of' ... (storage) - where's the universe ~guiding~ me now? - im not getting any answers.... & the tapes start looping again.

I still have my kitties, & I think they're the only things that have kept me as 'sane', kept me from SH. & I spose theres SOMETHING in me that hasn't 'given up' yet, but im at a *loss* as to how to tap into that, how to 'grow' that into anything... uncomfy in my own skin, tension runs high - I just want it to be over, to be done, finished (at rest!) - escapism & paralysis, insomnia & excessive sleeping, frantic motion w/ no' purpose' & lots of repeting myself - ug!!

~wish~ I had the whatever to end this post on a more pos note ..... (yet another 'failure'!) - im gonna go outside & sit in the cold windy sun for a few while I pollute my lungs w/ a cig, then come back & ~try again~ - read thru other folx stuff, get out of my own misery, see if I have anything to offer others - that *seems* such a ..... oxymoron - I cant help myself, yet I think I mite be able to help another? - but, there wouldna be the term oxymoron if the concept dinna have ~validity~ - maybe there is more to this than meets the eye, horatio (shakespeare'd spear me, to know how ive slaughtered his works, hehe!) <-- - ok, theres my 'upbeat sign off', now, to contribute to my health woes w/ my nic addiction....

[Beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ohhhh, sweetie. You want to point me to one of those people who go through decades of abuse, a chronic few nasty progressive illnesses, homelessness, an ex with the morals of a shrew, working their "assets" off to start a new career and knowing they'd be good at it but not finding any hope of work, and come out of it all sky blue pink graceful and happy???????? I'd love to meet 'em!!!!! You MIGHT find one or two buried several meters in that Egyptian river we're so fond of....
What I'm hearing is that you have lost health and a safe base (home) and hope of the new career you worked so hard on and that has triggered the living ***** out of you and - NO surprise - brought up the old tapes. Ummm. OF COURSE. You're human. You'd be outright crazy NOT to be distressed, and I think you're allowed a *serious* pity party for a while. That's part of the process, you have to tend to wounds before they start to heal.
You have a lot of grieving to do, my friend.
You are NOT failing. You are actually amazing. You're taking the steps you need to take to survive, you are planning for future re-stabilizing. And you're ALLOWED time off from "coping and doing". I think the time crafting and reading and sleeping is NECESSARY. You can't eat an elephant in one meal, you can't stay "on" ALL the time, and as you keep moving forward you will find a balance to both cope in terms of external action and internal down time and comfort. Both are needed.
Sending tons and tons and tons of love and ponies and chocolate and a brand new dartboard with guess who's face right smack in the middle.....
LOVE, Beachlady

[there]

Hi, reisha,
Am happy/un to see you again.

[reisha]

hey, {{THERE!!}}

good to see you, too!

i been tryin to remember who i knew when i was active here, & ... i see a few names, i think; but then i see names that are .. maybe similar, or also handles on other boards, or ... im confused!
readin thru some-a the threads - by the time i think to post, im pooped, &/or triggered, &/or at a loss for words, &/or .... brain gonna faster than mind can handle (or, maybe minds speedin along faster than po' ole lil pea-brain can deal w/?)

im ... 'frozen in frantic activity' (ino that here, that makes sense), if even only of the mental varity. mostly, i dont want to BE. yeah, yeah - we all know thats SI, but it dunna FEEL like that. - theres so much feeling, theres none at alll (again, only here...) - the BZZZZZZZZZZZZ of physical body tension in unplesant. the 'constant looking over my shoulder/waiting for next shoe to drop' is too. spinning my wheels, but no gas in the tank, or sumtin. i dunno.

i keep replayin the Ole Home Movies - my entire life keeps flashing thru that same ole tired pea-brain of mine. - big stuff, lil stuff, bad stuff, a few good things, mundane crap, & maybe a profound (is there prolost too?) flash or 2 - just .. scenes - over&over&over & - PAST!!
friend says to not look behind, but forward. i get what she was tryin to say, BUT!! - what is 'human' w/out memory? not too many-a us too good at precognition anyway, & methinks theres a big sumtin else in there im forgetting.....

(possible religous triggers)
oh! and if One More (so called) 'friend' goes all jeezus on me, ....! - ive had 2 people get all teary & preachy & tell me they want me in heaven w/ em, & i gotta get jeezus to get there & <CRINGE, GAG!!> - wtf cant they accept or respect that i have my own views on religion, & jeezus isna really a part-a it?!?! - again, i understand what they're tryin to say - but wunna em went thru alotta 'other perspectives' (many w/ me - she was my neighbor for more'n 20yrs!) b4 she got 'saved'. the other one is young, but still, has known me for over a yr & we've discussed things deep & meaningful - just in GP, *shouldna* she KNOW better? tolerance & diversity & alla that - wtf are they teachin kids nowdaze?!?!
(end triggers)

so, broke & broken, mostly hidin out, or cowerin - dismayed to wake yet again - what can i do to distract myself from the uncomfort? - read, craft, stare at the walls - too steep roads to walk/exercise, no ga$, but sometimes Take Myself Out anyway - drive down hill to bay edge, veg out there a bit, feel 'guilty' - just another hide-out, away from 'eve' & her bizzarreness.....

so much (too much) other in my head - intened to read/respond to others here; again - posting this has tired me or scared me or ... & i just want to lay down for a bit ......

im sorry.

[Beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

SOOOO relate to the tension and exhaustion and hypervigilance!!!! And it's no wonder, given all you are dealing with - you've had WAY too much thrown at you and the lack of really having your own distinct safe space to retreat to maybe adds to the hypervigilance???

UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH to the preaching you're dealing with!!! I've got no issues with anyone believing whatever they like, but pushing it on others - GGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRR. Sorry that is going on, you need support that fits for you not pressure to fit into someone else's box....

You're on overload, mentally / physically / emotionally. And I wonder if distraction is WORKING, or if this is one of those have to get THROUGH it things? What would happen if you slowed down and really felt where you are, just for a little bit? Would you be able to maybe grieve all the losses? What would happen if you were not trying to outrun all of it?

No need for sorry - I hope you can say more about what triggered you in your post?

Sending tons of love and support and purple ponies and a softly rocking quiet space on the yacht.
Love, Beachlady