im baaaack! ( & so are my demons)

[reisha]

thank you beachlady - for providing a lifeline to me last nite - dunno how much 'better' i am this morn, but im still here (disgusted expression & heavy sigh!)

tryin to avoid the 'whys' - someone said the whys dont matter, just keeps ya stuck - better to ask 'what now' or sumtin like that. i just cant get past (theres a phrase heavily loaded w/ Words To Watch For!) the idea/feeling that this is (more) punishment. *if* so, then, i *must* be bad, so lets look for what i did wrong........ & im back in my other thread, w/ all the tumble-dry brain shit over&over&over.....

[Beachlady]

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I am actually very very glad you are still here, though I know you may not be - I do have hope that as strong and tenacious and smart you are that you can get to a better situation.

Hmmmm. Ok, my dear friend, here's a bit of a "whapp."
If the theory is that bad stuff happening is all your fault, you are assuming that:
*You have control of nature (illness)
*You have control of other people (stupid rotten excuse for protoplasm known as your ex, Eve, government agencies) and their actions
*You are psychic, to KNOW what was coming / set it up
*You have somehow conveyed SUCH badness to the entire universe that all these elements conspired to punish you.......

NO. You did not create this. You don't deserve it.

Bad stuff happens to good people, INCLUDING YOU. None of them volunteer for it, INCLUDING YOU. I agree that the why question, especially when it's ending in self-blame, is not useful and possibly downright dangerous. It's not "why did this happen" it's "What do I do now." And you are indeed working very hard on that.

MUCH love to you, dear friend.

[reisha]

hmmm ...
but, but, but......

it FEELS like punishment, ergo, ie, therefore, i *MUST* be bad, done something realyy, really wrong. as a kid, the things i most cherished would be brutally taken from me &/or destroyed (like my 'chickens' post).

*IF* i were good, or better at 'life', or loved or belonged, i'd have a place to BElong.

yeah, im dimly aware there mite probly be sum FAULTy thinkin goin on there - again, my bad! but cant for the life-a me figger beLIEvable counters to it. same prob i have w/ the whole affirmation trip-a 'healin' - t & i have gone round & round w/ this - puttin non-beLIEvable crap up for me to start believin in just aint gonna work for this girl! it *hasta be* sumtin i can at least kinda-sorta-almost-pretend to buy into. - yano, 'baby step' affirmations.

&, i made the life/job/career/relationship (etc) choices that have brought me here, now - ok, *maybe* sum other folx ~mita~ hadda hand in sum-a those ill-concieved endevours, but, but, but.......... - i mean - EITHER< im responible for my own life, OR im not....?

[Harmony]

Hi reisha,

You might want to read a thread in Open Forum called "Responsible for our own happiness".

easy on yourself ok?

Harmony

[Beachlady]

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I know it feels like punishment, because it IS hard and painful and in so many ways unfair and out of your control, so no wonder it triggers old patterns.

YOU are not responsible for setting up those patterns. You are not responsible for the constellation of health issues, you ex's selfishness, etc.... and you can't FORCE there to be good things and belonging by being "good." And you most certainly DO love and belong, my friend. It's a black and white thinking that assumes you have WAY more control than you do. Which is how a child would respond to the abuse, so makes sense that pattern is triggered. You didn't choose and can't control the health problems being there, or other people's behavior.

Yes, you made the job / career / relationship choices. That was done in the context of your history, and of the abuse. And you have worked very hard on those patterns and it takes time and you - like all of us - are not perfect... that doesn't mean you marched out there going "Hey, life, multiverse, could you please throw poverty and mutiple health conditions and a stinking rotten ex who breaks his word and makes me lose my house at me, just 'cause I haven't been through enough yet?!?" You did the best you could at the time, and you did not foresee what a creep he would be or how hard the work situations would be. You can't go back and change that. What counts is what you choose now. You are responsible for that, and I do see you reaching out and working on solutions.

Responsibility doesn't have to mean blame. It means here is what I have to deal with. And it means making the best choices you can with what you know and can do now. It means working to learn from, not beat yourself for, the past ( I know, Hi there pot, I'm kettle). And you have the see-saw going - "Here, I need to do xyz" vs. "I'm done and forget all of it".... And I know which side of the tug of war *I* hope wins..... you are worth fighting for, my friend.

Lots of love, Beachlady

[reisha]

> that assumes you have WAY more control than you do

& thats one crux, isna it? control issues - ha! i have NO control. so who judged me competent to be in the drivers seat?

> What counts is what you choose now.

duuna feel like theres much CHOICE in matters, beachy - oh wait - yes, there are oodles of choices - i just dont LIKE any-a em, or the concequences of most-a em. seems im being forced, not choice

the whole last 'responsibility' paragraph, - hmm - gonna hafta read that a few times. but the 'hi pot, im kettle' quip did bring a short smile to my face - thank you my friend, for fighting for me when im to lost in my head to

[Beachlady]

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Yeah, I know that feeling of having no control and having to deal with the situation anyhow, and dealing with a *&^^%%$#$# govt agency.

BIG difference between NO choices and lots of choices but no GOOD ones... it does indeed FEEL forced.... question is, which one can you accept, which is the best of the batch, and then is there anything you can do to make it better once you get there? Can this first round be a stepping stone to something better?

I love you, you're my friend, and you are absolutely worth fighting for.

Love, Beachlady

[Faith]

Hi, Reisha.

Not sure if you are still around, but I wanted to say hi. Sending you lots of love and positive energy.