Hello
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Killenger1019
- Member
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm
Re: Hello
Tommy & Jonesy, thank you for your kind words. I couldn’t agree with you more about Lori and yes my email has since changed since I was last here. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the impact her passing had on the souls that have been connected to this site for as long as they have…. However I have to say I am so very thankful to have been one of those souls that she touched. I remember how engaged she was in each person’s healing journey. How her support was not limited to this site but her entire life was devoted to each soul she came in contact with. I think that was what made her so special, is you can tell how much she cared. There is nothing like coming back to a place that had such a positive impact on your life and then being able to sharing that impact with the people who contributed to it… That sucks that I will not actually be able to catch up with her… at least not person to person. I was looking forward to chatting with her again. With that being said Tommy & Jonesy I am here to offer as much support as I can through transparency and hopefully kind meaningful words. If you need anything else from me please don’t hesitate to ask. I will give what I can while I am here. I have in times pasted helped Lori when she needed an alternative email address to go with her site. I am good with computers and would like to offer any kind of help needed according to the talents that I have. Tommy and Jonesy thanks for being who you are and stepping up in Lori’s place to continue her work! I know how much this place meant to Lori and I am sure there is no greater tribute to her then to do what all of you who help run this site in honor of her by keeping this site up.
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Killenger1019
- Member
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm
Re: Hello
River, all of your questions are welcome. Personally I have a hard time with generalizations too because I want to understand what that really looks like in everyday life and not just some vague description. I will do my best to help walk you through the transformation that has taken place inside of me. Please continue to ask questions where you feel like you need too. Let me start with repeating some powerful statements that have helped me throughout this process!
Grieving, removal of coping mechanisms (addictions, not being present, defensiveness, ECT), transference, transparency (telling your story), self evaluation, 80 – 20 rule, cognitive dissonance, conformation bias, faith, & acceptance.
Each one of these words and there applied meaning has helped me at some point to get to where I am today.
So your questions is,
“Recognizing you have value and not having to do anything to gain it"...just like believe it? How did you come to a place in your life where you were able to believe it?”
The direct answer to this part of the process was me fully understanding two of the statements above.
The first is what’s known as the, “conformation bias”. The conformation bias allows us to filter out information that contradicts our current beliefs. Basically what that means is that as a person you only listen to the things that validate your own personal beliefs. So if you believe that a tree is moving back and forth because it is waving hi to you then the bias that we all have within us will automatically filter out all of the evidence that doesn’t support this belief. So if you believe you that you are worthless then the only information that you will listen to is the information that validates your own personal belief. For me understanding this concept helped me to stop my own personal contributions too the belief that I wasn’t good enough.
The second was faith and understanding that my actions have nothing to do with my value as a person. Let me explain. River, I used to be part of a church were actions is all we seemed to focus on. Ironically that is what drew me too this church because it meet all of my needs to be a contributing factor to my salvation … Because I always failed at completing all of my duties I always had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. It wasn’t until after I had left the church because I couldn’t handle the consistent pressure I realized that it was all just the hokey pokey. Were all of those things I did made it seem as though I was somehow earning my way into being a good person at the end of the day it was just a dance and putting my left foot in and shaking it all about isn’t at all what it’s all about. It was in those moments that I realized that my value as a human being had nothing to do with my actions. I just have value…. Imagine that…. I just have value…. period….. River I am a good person and not because I don’t make mistakes, not because I am not flawed but because I just am.
River, I know you can see the value other people have just as I can. If someone were to come to you and say, "I just don’t think I matter" what is your response? Do you give them a list of ways that they have to behave in order to have value? Do you only shine light on their flaws and completely ignore the rest of the picture? Of course not right! But I did that to myself over and over…. Why is it that we can’t see our value but for some reason we can see others? If they have it why can’t we? The answer is in the conformation bias.
River you have value!!!!
Thanks again for another great question!
Grieving, removal of coping mechanisms (addictions, not being present, defensiveness, ECT), transference, transparency (telling your story), self evaluation, 80 – 20 rule, cognitive dissonance, conformation bias, faith, & acceptance.
Each one of these words and there applied meaning has helped me at some point to get to where I am today.
So your questions is,
“Recognizing you have value and not having to do anything to gain it"...just like believe it? How did you come to a place in your life where you were able to believe it?”
The direct answer to this part of the process was me fully understanding two of the statements above.
The first is what’s known as the, “conformation bias”. The conformation bias allows us to filter out information that contradicts our current beliefs. Basically what that means is that as a person you only listen to the things that validate your own personal beliefs. So if you believe that a tree is moving back and forth because it is waving hi to you then the bias that we all have within us will automatically filter out all of the evidence that doesn’t support this belief. So if you believe you that you are worthless then the only information that you will listen to is the information that validates your own personal belief. For me understanding this concept helped me to stop my own personal contributions too the belief that I wasn’t good enough.
The second was faith and understanding that my actions have nothing to do with my value as a person. Let me explain. River, I used to be part of a church were actions is all we seemed to focus on. Ironically that is what drew me too this church because it meet all of my needs to be a contributing factor to my salvation … Because I always failed at completing all of my duties I always had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. It wasn’t until after I had left the church because I couldn’t handle the consistent pressure I realized that it was all just the hokey pokey. Were all of those things I did made it seem as though I was somehow earning my way into being a good person at the end of the day it was just a dance and putting my left foot in and shaking it all about isn’t at all what it’s all about. It was in those moments that I realized that my value as a human being had nothing to do with my actions. I just have value…. Imagine that…. I just have value…. period….. River I am a good person and not because I don’t make mistakes, not because I am not flawed but because I just am.
River, I know you can see the value other people have just as I can. If someone were to come to you and say, "I just don’t think I matter" what is your response? Do you give them a list of ways that they have to behave in order to have value? Do you only shine light on their flaws and completely ignore the rest of the picture? Of course not right! But I did that to myself over and over…. Why is it that we can’t see our value but for some reason we can see others? If they have it why can’t we? The answer is in the conformation bias.
River you have value!!!!
Thanks again for another great question!
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Killenger1019
- Member
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm
Re: Hello
Thanks VAC!
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Killenger1019
- Member
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm
Re: Hello
Godiva & river, no worries!
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tommy
Re: Hello
Killenger1019,
Just as others have shared here, it is helpful to hear your thoughts and perspective. I appreciate you sharing about the confirmation bias as It is often a challenge to look at one's beliefs and see how it can be effecting one's interpretation of current situations and surroundings. Thank you for expressing how you were able to find growth by challenging your own bias and then stepping forward to establish new filters for your thoughts.
It is good to know that you were another person that Lori impacted personally during her years of service to isurvive. Thank you again for coming back-- to give of yourself, as well as to find any support you may need.
Just as others have shared here, it is helpful to hear your thoughts and perspective. I appreciate you sharing about the confirmation bias as It is often a challenge to look at one's beliefs and see how it can be effecting one's interpretation of current situations and surroundings. Thank you for expressing how you were able to find growth by challenging your own bias and then stepping forward to establish new filters for your thoughts.
It is good to know that you were another person that Lori impacted personally during her years of service to isurvive. Thank you again for coming back-- to give of yourself, as well as to find any support you may need.
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Killenger1019
- Member
- Posts: 75
- Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm
Re: Hello
Thanks Tommy!
The knowledge that the conformation bias gave me was a key stepping point in recognizing that I have allowed myself to filter out the positive things about myself mostly because I didn’t believe I had them. It’s interesting how the gaining of this knowledge helped me to overcome some of my own personal limitations in my perspective. Thanks again for your kind words…
The knowledge that the conformation bias gave me was a key stepping point in recognizing that I have allowed myself to filter out the positive things about myself mostly because I didn’t believe I had them. It’s interesting how the gaining of this knowledge helped me to overcome some of my own personal limitations in my perspective. Thanks again for your kind words…
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River
- Member
- Posts: 1692
- Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:50 am
Re: Hello
Killenger1019,
When you said about having value without having to do anything....because you just are...was a very good point. We have value. (period) (Wish I could just believe that...but evidence proves otherwise.)
I look through the glasses of my past experiences and support these not so healthy biases of myself, life based on that...and trying to be good, but never feeling like its good enough or guilty for not measuring up to other's standards or myself's. And I don't think I have value and I have plenty of other abusive people in my life who help re-enforce that belief. BUT.....being on here has helped us tremendously start to change that belief. And we are starting to make new friends that are very positive and encouraging. Sounds like your faith is important to you?
How did you give up your coping mechanisms? And what is cognitive dissonance? From what you explained I think I understand the confirmation bias now.
I appreciate hearing about your healing journey Killenger1019. Like Godiva said.....it gives is all hope that change is possible.
River
When you said about having value without having to do anything....because you just are...was a very good point. We have value. (period) (Wish I could just believe that...but evidence proves otherwise.)
I look through the glasses of my past experiences and support these not so healthy biases of myself, life based on that...and trying to be good, but never feeling like its good enough or guilty for not measuring up to other's standards or myself's. And I don't think I have value and I have plenty of other abusive people in my life who help re-enforce that belief. BUT.....being on here has helped us tremendously start to change that belief. And we are starting to make new friends that are very positive and encouraging. Sounds like your faith is important to you?
How did you give up your coping mechanisms? And what is cognitive dissonance? From what you explained I think I understand the confirmation bias now.
I appreciate hearing about your healing journey Killenger1019. Like Godiva said.....it gives is all hope that change is possible.
River
Last edited by Anonymous on Sun Feb 16, 2014 6:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: MT to NT
Reason: MT to NT