Hello

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

Killenger1019
Member
Posts: 75
Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm

Hello

Post by Killenger1019 » Sun Feb 09, 2014 2:19 am

Wow! It has been a long time since I have posted to this site. I guess I am considered an old timer now! Who would have thought? I think the last time I posted in this place I was like 28 years old and now I am 35. So it's been awhile. Anyhow.

When I first joined this site it was to find answers. I just simply wanted to know but at the time I didn't know what I wanted to know or really even if I was doing the right thing by being here. What I remember is I liked the fact that I was able to open up about some things and also still remain completely hidden. I remember spending hours reading as I learned each of your stories and remember thinking wow, "these people are amazing and they don't even know it". The collective support and love for one another in this place is something to be admired and I was glad to have been a part of that for the time that I was. Thank you all for the time that you gave me.


Now, my healing journey (or at least a quick overview).
When I came here I think I expected to hear stories of people who one day just started being okay with what happen, to me that was where healing was suppose to lead too. I remember questioning over and over was there a light at the end of the tunnel? And if so, at what point do you finally pass through that tunnel of light? Now I understand my expectations were incorrect. There is nothing that is going to change about the feelings that I have about the abuse. I will never wake up and say to myself that what happen is okay because to me it will NEVER be Okay nor ACCEPTABLE. I am thankful that I now can say that fully and understand that this is healing, not the opposite. What I now understand is healing isn't about changing the way you feel about what happen, healing is about overcoming the affects that the abuse has now on your everyday life. For me what I discovered is I carried with me some false beliefs about myself and as a result of those false beliefs they affected every part of my life starting with the relationship I had with myself. Today I still have my everyday life’s battles (as I should) but I am no longer ignorant nor driven by a false set of inner beliefs.

Anyhow, again thanks for allowing me to post....
I'll be here offering some support for a few months and I look forward to getting to hear all of your stories good and bad once more.
Take care.
Last edited by Anonymous on Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: MT to NT

godiva
Member
Posts: 582
Joined: Sun Jan 19, 2014 1:16 pm

Re: Hello

Post by godiva » Sun Feb 09, 2014 9:25 am

hello killinger1019,

so nice to read these words, i needed to read some things like that. thank you for being around. :)

Jonesy
Director
Director
Posts: 10880
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Jonesy » Sun Feb 09, 2014 8:14 pm

Hi Killenger1019

I welcome you back here to isurvive. It's very good to read your words.
You are important
Email: jonesy@hush.com

Killenger1019
Member
Posts: 75
Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Killenger1019 » Tue Feb 11, 2014 3:18 am

Thanks Godiva and Jonesy!

Jonesy what happen to lori?
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Feb 11, 2014 8:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT

River
Member
Posts: 1692
Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:50 am

Re: Hello

Post by River » Tue Feb 11, 2014 3:34 am

Killenger1019,

What you said really spoke to me and has me really thinking. This part especially:
healing is about overcoming the affects that the abuse has now on your everyday life. For me what I discovered is I carried with me some false beliefs about myself and as a result of those false beliefs they affected every part of my life starting with the relationship I had with myself. Today I still have my everyday life’s battles (as I should) but I am no longer ignorant nor driven by a false set of inner beliefs.
Its great to hear from an old-timer! I look forward to getting to know you an hearing what else you have to say.

How did you change the false beliefs about yourself?

River

Killenger1019
Member
Posts: 75
Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Killenger1019 » Tue Feb 11, 2014 4:39 am

Hello Rivers,
That is a great question! Knowledge and then affirmative action. Because of my upbringing and abuse I was singled out. At home I was treated differently and because being abused created all sorts of issues for me I was also singled out in school. At home my step mother hated me and because so many people didn’t like me at some point I decided I didn’t like me either. That is where it started and that was one of the biggest false belife’s I carried with me for a very long time. So here comes the complicated answer’s. There is a 20 – 80 rule I learned about and this helped me to understand to not focus on just one thing but rather focus on the one thing that is driving it. The 20 – 80 rule goes like this. 80% or my actions are driven by only 20%. So all of my addictions, lying to people, sleeping around, compromising myself to conform to others, an inability to speak up for myself, distancing myself from people, and many other behaviors are all driven by one simple false truth…. I didn’t like me! The biggest effect the abuse had on me was it made me hate myself. For me you would think I would have hated the people who did this to me but nope…. For some reason I hated me and not them. Anyhow, the way I over came is I broke the patterns. I started standing up for myself even if that meant you aren’t going to like me. I quite my addictions, I quit telling myself I was worthless and finally at somepoint… I started to realize that I had turned a negative into a positive thing and that is what makes me a survivor. See River’s, for me it was recognizing that I had value and I didn’t have to “DO ANYTHING” to gain it, I just have it just like you do and so does everyone. There is not to many things I can honestly say I have but the things I do I will never give away to anyone again. The first is my value, the next is my integrity.
Rivers thanks for the great question.... You should know that you as a person are amazing and you should take the time out of your day to reconnize yourself as being just that!

Jonesy
Director
Director
Posts: 10880
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Jonesy » Tue Feb 11, 2014 8:53 am

Hi Killenger1019

I'm sad to tell you that Lori very suddenly passed away in February 2011. She is still very much missed.
You are important
Email: jonesy@hush.com

Killenger1019
Member
Posts: 75
Joined: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:06 pm

Re: Hello

Post by Killenger1019 » Wed Feb 12, 2014 2:20 am

Wow Jonesy, that was not at all what I expected to hear. Well the only words that come to mind to express my feelings towards her is gratitude and as you said she will be missed. Thanks for the update.
Last edited by Anonymous on Wed Feb 12, 2014 6:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: MT to NT

tommy

Re: Hello

Post by tommy » Wed Feb 12, 2014 4:51 pm

Killenger1019,

I also wanted to thank you for sharing your feelings about this place and also about your thoughts on your healing.
There is nothing that is going to change about the feelings that I have about the abuse. I will never wake up and say to myself that what happen is okay because to me it will NEVER be Okay nor ACCEPTABLE. I am thankful that I now can say that fully and understand that this is healing, not the opposite. What I now understand is healing isn't about changing the way you feel about what happen, healing is about overcoming the affects that the abuse has now on your everyday life...
I hope you will continue to share on the boards and find the support you need while you are here.

I am sorry you were unaware of Lori's passing; as Jonesy said, she is still missed. Thankfully her legacy of love and compassion lives on through each of the members here. Thank you for being a part of that-- not only in the previous years but now.

River
Member
Posts: 1692
Joined: Tue Jun 11, 2013 12:50 am

Re: Hello

Post by River » Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:37 pm

Killinger1019,

I didn't know Lori...but sorry for your loss..

Thanks for explaining about "value" and the 20-80 rule. I never really thought about all those things you mentioned. That not liking yourself could be what is driving those behaviors. I knew some of it was that.....interesting.....

"Recognizing you have value and not having to do anything to gain it"...just like believe it? How did you come to a place in your life where you were able to believe it?

Please only answer if you feel like it. Thats great you have realized these truths Killinger1019. Reading your posts are very inspiring and helpful.

River

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