Page 1 of 86

still going on

Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 5:49 pm
by VAC
Hello to all. Wonder how some of those who contributed so much to me are doing. Have more things from past bubbling up, but they do not destroy as they once did. Thanks.

Re: still going on

Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 6:51 pm
by earthhorse
Hi VAC,

I am sorry to hear that things are surfacing right now to cause pain related to the past. But so glad they have lost their edge.

All of us here have missed your soulful posts.

Soothing and solace to you,

EH

Re: still going on

Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 7:28 pm
by Faith
Hi, VAC.

I am still here. I mostly hang out in the RA forum, but I do check this one. I never know when a fellow "ancient timer" might show up. :D

I am glad you are finding your "bubbling up" to be easier to manage. I, too, continue to heal, but it's sooo much better than it once was.

Re: still going on

Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:52 pm
by VAC
Hello to both of you--the demand to write for the sake of some peace has diminished. I wish I had access to some of those old posts just to remind myself. I know I am "achieving" some milestones--I dealt with chronic insomnia most of my life. Now I sleep regulary, and the frenzy that would hit me at 11 every night has subsided (I realized this was when I was left alone with my primary abuser when I was a kid).

Part of this peace is a deadzone from which I seek to emerge--I had to "die to" my concept of myself as part of the nuclear family in which I was born and raised. I did not change my name because there were some great people there outside my immediate family. My daughter is doing very well--she is out of the dark hole of suicide and destruction. She is still seeing her long-time T once a month.

My son has been restored to us after years of silence--both the kids sent me Father's Day greetings I will always hold dear.

The emotional and soulish amputation of my birth family has been a hard thing for me. I still love them, am glad both of them are gone. I thought of having a sale, but could not merchandise the objects I loved as a child, and gave many things away, threw others away. It is odd, but so many of the things I was obligated to in my "duty as a son" I do not resent, knowing it was a good thing, a right thing. I am glad I did not remember until one was gone and the other was on his way out. We do not mention my folks in the presence of our children.....the imprinting of a lifetime does not stop easily. I find this heartbreaking, but necessary, for the sake of the future and posterity.

I may be a maudlin fool in denial, but I still love my parents. I write this with tears. I was stronger than them, than both of them. I am ok--they never were and tried so hard to be. What tortured souls. It took me seven years, but I condensed several generations of memories down into a few boxes and trunks that are squirreled away in the attic. The quiet and secret part of me longs for a healed reunion with them both in the next life. For the sake of those living, I must pretend they have no part of me.

People who see me tell me I look different, as in a good different. My professional life has been more focused and I have found satisfaction again. I enjoy good health as I grow older, and all things taken into account, I believe I have been the recipient of a wonderful life. My regrets are no longer wounding swords of fire imploding in my inner self. The awe and shock of reality has faded into the certainty that along with life, I will go on.

So much of the anger I carried inside and took as drive and moxie is gone. I have noticed my ear is more attentive to others and I am less "hossy".

We still invest ourselves in people and animals--just got a new puppy who is a charmer.

Safe voyage to you all.......

Re: still going on

Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 6:39 am
by Jonesy
Hi VAC

It's good to see and hear from you. You are still able to access all your old posts by clicking on the links below, just sign in as normal... your words are not lost.

Old Website Forum Archives - http://www.isurvive.org.uk/cgi-bin/wwwt ... threads.pl
Old Forum Archive - http://www.isurvive.org.uk/archive/

Re: still going on

Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:43 pm
by VAC
Thank you.....

Re: still going on

Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 5:19 pm
by coast
VAC!!!
so good to see you again
you made me smile

Re: still going on

Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:48 am
by Harmony
Welcome home to isurvive VAC.

Harmony

Re: still going on

Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 3:35 pm
by Sheep
VAC wrote:My regrets are no longer wounding swords of fire imploding in my inner self. The awe and shock of reality has faded into the certainty that along with life, I will go on.

So much of the anger I carried inside and took as drive and moxie is gone. I have noticed my ear is more attentive to others and I am less "hossy".

Safe voyage to you all.......

VAC,

After 10 yrs of being in recovery I am just beginning to dealve into the anger and learn how to let go of regrets. Your post inspired me to keep going. Thank you for coming back and sharing...

Sheep

Re: still going on

Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 5:07 am
by VAC
Sheep,

Facing this is a necessary evil, however, I have found it does not have to be like surgery without anesthesia. My family has been here in this precise area since the late 1700's--we predated the city. I always hated it here--I know that we will move one day, but I am enjoying peace in the middle of my desert. I am still numb from the knowledge of betrayal by my folks on so many levels, but I am not crazy like I was.

I marvel at how complex we humans are, and how valiantly, even to our own hurt, compartmentalize sorrow and horror, so the process of life can continue relatively unimpeded. I always thought I was strong beyond my own capacity, calm as a cucumber, not realizing the fractures and closed doors to hidden rooms that shadowed in the labrinythe. The deep sorrow and seething anger were monstrous for a period of years. I was musing on this season today and realized that in the midst of recall, the death of my dad, and two severe back injuries, If sat down in a recliner and died for a while.

I am back, thankfully.

Honestly, I regret not being able to substitute frenetic physical activity to wear myself out--the sun and heavy work were my antidepressants for nearly 50 years, and honestly I miss it so. I am working on a positive combo with meds, and about to try another.

Never, never, never give up. Those who have suffered carry the potential of a great gift---it has tapped into something most others never activate. We feel the burdens of others and are empaths on some level. Don't be afraid. Heal so that you can become a healer. I do not fear the pain any longer.