still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

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VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Fri Jun 26, 2020 5:49 am

A lot is going on here. very much so. V.

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Thu Jul 09, 2020 3:15 am

Hello,

I have come to realize brokenness is a part of life whether I want it or not. I truly have nothing to give that is worth anything but my heart and love. There are a number of things that give me great pleasure.

Even at my age, I enjoy driving. I would like to have a road car as I once had when I was young. My big thing was small British sportscars: I had a 1959 TR3 Triumph and a 1973 Triumph GT6. The 59 was Dark British Racing Green; the 73 was Pimiento Red.

One more time I would like a five speed that connected me with the road. I am a very good driver...this is a wish, not a necessity.

I am an erudite who loves the country side. Life seems bogged down right now. There are things my wife wants to see in this world and I would like to take her. She deserves anything I could ever give her. I wish you all knew her. I know this sound stupid, but I don't want her to get old. She has always been so beautiful. I need to prosper so I can keep her up. A few years ago she cut her hair short and allowed the gray to come out and I honestly almost got hysterical. It does not matter if I get old.

We are in such an odd situation.....it is not healthy for either of our children to live in this city of my ancestors in which we have been grounded since the late 1700's. There are a number of reasons for this that would translate into what we call "bad blood". Our daughter lives closer to us; our son almost 4 hours away. They both need us. In a perfect world we would live in the same area. I am a conflicted parent in that part of me dreads being around my children and the other part mourns because I am not near them.

I spent a great deal of our married life traveling....my love language to them was gifts and dining, serving them, seeking to know what the desire of their hearts looks like.

I used to live to work with the sun on my back. The heat was my friend, gave life to me. The Sun and The Ocean were almost deities to me. I would love to be able to work in the sun with my hands in the good earth, then leap into the hypnotic comfort and massage of waves and currents.

I was raised riding.....I have not ridden since I was in my early 20's. I would like to ride one more time.

I marvel at my children, at the people they have become. My son is the best man, husband, father I believe I have known. My daughter is a domestic goddess who can't put down her books and forward motion. Both of my children have mates who adore them.

Just recently I have had dreams and images from the past flitter through my mind...sort of like going into a room with no windows but many holes in the walls and ceilings through which light dappled through. It has been realization. I can't go back and change things. God have mercy on my soul.

I am letting my hair and beard grow out again....it is a power trip for me I think. I am too old to have hair and I have a lot of it. It is all white now.

If you are living outside the states, don't believe anything the media is telling you. It is a colossal trainwreck of warring coalitions of Marxist organizations: it is bad and I don't know what will become of us. Perhaps we will have to fight to survive.

If there is every an isurvive conference, I would like to know. I would like to see you all face to face.

Thanks....

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Wed Jul 29, 2020 3:00 am

Hello,

Recently i have been focused on new memories of the damage I did in the lives of other people. Went through a season of life wondering when someone would shoot me.

I have remembered the words I said and the things I did for which I am so very sorry.

I allowed myself to watch a movie I would never watch.

I will once again visit an unmarked grave....

Lately I have been less focused on what others did to me and on what I did to hurt others.

I have had very early memories, and things I had forgotten down through the years. No wonder I drank and drugged.

Today I vocalized to my wife, "I am tired of being in this place in which too many people are in my business." My wife knows it is the truth.

Her father just died. She was completely left out/ignored. He was wealthy..
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Jul 29, 2020 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited trigger indicator from MT to NT due to no specific triggering content nor language.

coconuts
Member
Posts: 4095
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: still going on

Post by coconuts » Wed Jul 29, 2020 3:40 am

Listening VAC. It sounds like you are doing some soul searching.

Sorry for your wife.

I find it interesting sometimes where the points if pain come. From being hurt, or forgotten, to being the one causing the hurt. It causes injury to our aoul. Not that it cant be healed, just that i think we underestimate the damage.

Wishing you well in healing those points. If finding peace with yourself.

Coconuts

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