isurvive.org

Fleur,

"Self-sabotage" is the perfect word....have seen many do this to the nth degree of self-degradation (I did).

You are a kind soul, Fleur. Be kind to yourself.

....also, to Wolf-Spirit: I sincerely do not know the source of the vision I saw at 10, whether it was good or evil. I would like to believe good as it did not give me fear. I thought it was real and completely normal until my dad freaked.

The amazing thing about this is that my wife found a picture of my first ancestor here when he was older, in the 1840's

I look like his twin.

This was the man I saw standing on the bluff, in his youth. He called out to me and raised his hand, and spoke to me.

I did not mean to be short when I answered you.

VAC

You weren't short with your answer- I understood it to be a quick explanation.
I am fascinated by these things in people's lives- these "calls" to certain places or people. I feel them, too.
Just curious about whether or not you had an idea of what you're going to do once you're there.
Standing and being sounds wonderful.

ws

Wolf Spirit,

I know something will happen. I am going to look for the foundations of the old family house.

VAC

Hello,

I wonder how many times in my search for the truth of who I was and who I am, or even when I did not care, I hurt and did damage to others, feeling somehow justified by my own pain?

I have thought of this the last couple of days.

Attending a funeral last year, a man I did not know introduced himself as the grandson of one of several women who my folks hired to take care of me while they worked. He demanded that I remember the things I had done and said to his grandmother during the few months she was able to bear to stay in our home with a damaged, angry child.

I was at oldest four, possibly three when this took place. I had no memory of it at all.


He was following me as I walked to the car with a friend....I had to catch his arm to keep from fainting. I had a rush of memories come to me all at once, as they often do, like a fugue. He had no idea what was going on with me, but was seeking some justice for his grandmother, who had been so disturbed by me, that she had spent years praying for me, for which I am truly grateful.


I could not speak.


It took me a few moments for me to catch my breath, and then I said something like, "I was a little kid. I was messed up. I am sorry, I am sorry."


That really was not enough for him. He said weren't your parents so and so, and didn't they do this and that. My folks were well known. I later contacted him and told him we needed to sit down and talk.


I have heard nothing.


My point in this if a young child can produce such angst in an adult trained to care for children, then what in this world have I really done as an adult?

God have mercy on us all.

I can't live in regret or shame, as it was mother's milk to me.

NO fear for me, but I wish I could gather everyone I ever hurt in front of me and say with no reservation, I am so very sorry.

I believe He knows this.

V.

VAC,
I am wondering why the grandmother did not seek help for you. Instead, she chose to dwell on and be "disturbed by" your behavior.
Having worked with hundreds, and maybe even reached the thousand mark by now, of children of all ages, it always astounds me that adults see a child as a fully grown human. Responsible for every thought and action of his or her own doing. They do not see that a child is a REFLECTION of the environment in which it is being raised. Therefore, an angry, violent child has EXPERIENCED anger and violence and not been able to understand or integrate it into understanding what it is or does to others.

The grandmother should have been concerned for your well-being. Asked WHY you were behaving that way. Sought the roots of it and then maybe her "prayers" could have been answered.

I am probably projecting these feelings into your story, VAC. I apologize for that.

What if you asked yourself how you have balanced those hurtful things you say you've caused in your life? I'm quite sure you have probably reached an equal amount of uplifting, encouraging, caring, and loving energy, if not more, in your life. Hence, you can also invite those people who have received that love and energy to the same circle.
Is life about balance?

I hope I am not annoying you with my response, but I feel the need to say that this man whose grandmother was affected by something you did as a young child must ask himself why he has held on to that all of these years. It is about him, not you.

I am quietly squatting next to your angry, hurt child self and reassuring him that whatever he was trying to express, whatever pain he was feeling can be settled now. It can be released. He was NOT disturbing or hurtful. His developing environment was.

take care and again, sorry for hijacking your post

ws

Thanks, Wolf Spirit,

No problems. This was the Deep South during the 50's: she was probably afraid to.

I have never been able to figure out why the first doctor who examined me did not call in the authorities....He knew.

VAC

That makes sense, I guess. It's too bad that it was like that...I suppose praying for you was all the power she had. I can think differently about it now.
The doctor should have.
I'm sorry you did not have any help.

Hope you have a lovely weekend, VAC.

ws

Thanks....

V.

Hello,

To all the married people out there....I never knew we would get old.

I thought we would be young forever.

I would give anything to be able to go back again.

Don't waste the wonder of having someone beside you who loves you inspite of everything.

Life is too short.

V.

VAC
I'm sorry for the regret and sorrow you seem to be feeling.
Thank you for the reminder to be present and enjoy what is here right now.

offering to hold your hand,

ws