Re: still going on
Posted: Sat May 12, 2018 5:03 am
VAC,
Your words of encouragement are like a treasure to me. I understand what you are sharing, and the message I'm taking in is that I am not trapped in the trauma. Although it feels that way so often, eventually the experiences and identity I grew up with will lose strength and I will be able to live without their stain. I cherish your belief that I will heal and change.
I cried when I read that you would sit with me in a place where abusive experiences happened, and then take me somewhere peaceful and beautiful.
I moved to a different state (U.S.) and house every couple of years during my entire childhood. Except one place, the one where most of my memories/flashbacks originate, we lived for four years.
My father is still living, although I cut off ties around 14 years ago.
He was recently incarcerated, thankfully. I acknowledge that as a blessing and act of justice from the universe.
You know what I am ruminating on lately? I can not think what I don't know. I can not feel what I've never felt. If we make our own reality, how can I have something I have no capacity to create?
It sounds like I am stuck in a defeatist pattern of thought; that I am restricting my healing, but I am truly asking myself that.
Like when I see the phrase, "Choose Happiness". Huh? Don't you think I would if I could? or "Life is Good". Maybe for you it is...
I am not intending to be contrary or pessimistic.
Here's an example:
I am strengthening my muscle groups in a fitness class designed for people who want to go kayaking, backpacking, and mountain biking. This class is a huge step for my self-confidence. Would never have signed up a year ago.
So I am doing exercises that are physically and mentally challenging.
I am struggling, while it seems that the rest of the group of people are not.
I feel pain in parts of my body that were abused.
I hear my father's voice telling me, "Just quit. You're a quitter anyway. No one will invite you on their trips because you can't make friends. It is so stupid that you think you will."
(I currently have no one whom I would call a friend in my life.)
So my therapist has helped me identify and recognize these thoughts and when and where they happen. This is a positive step for me. I know they are not my thoughts and that they are untrue.
So I fight back. I tell his voice to shut up. I ground myself in the present. I tell myself that I am doing fine. I allow anger to take over and I physically put more effort into what we are doing.
But you know what?
After I stop the painful trip wires, I have nothing left. I hear nothing in my head. It is lonely and I begin to feel sadness.
There is no presence of uplifting and strengthening thoughts behind the ones I just fought back.
So why am I fighting back?
I can't think what I don't know.
What am I supposed to hear? What am I supposed to think?
Do I make up some words just to fill the space and hope that my mind will believe them?
"You're strong."
"You're likeable."
"You're not a quitter."
It's like I've told my therapist- and then what?
I pushed through the pain and didn't let myself fall down the rabbit hole. And now what?
I don't feel overjoyed and fabulous. I don't feel hopeful and strong.
I feel scared.
Scared that the voice, the feelings, and the energy will just come right back.
It is amazing to me that you are at such a place of strong self identity that you can see a former version of your identity and let it go as powerless. Absolutely amazing. No one has ever told me that before. I have had people tell me that they recognize thoughts/feelings from their "old" self, and that is fascinating to me as well.
I want to see myself as a person going through everyday life with a balanced mind, an open heart, and a healthy, strong body.
I want that, but I've never felt that. I only know that exists because I've seen it in other people.
And that is what causes me to go back to that belief- how can I think what I don't know?
When were you able to do that in your life?
ws
Your words of encouragement are like a treasure to me. I understand what you are sharing, and the message I'm taking in is that I am not trapped in the trauma. Although it feels that way so often, eventually the experiences and identity I grew up with will lose strength and I will be able to live without their stain. I cherish your belief that I will heal and change.
I cried when I read that you would sit with me in a place where abusive experiences happened, and then take me somewhere peaceful and beautiful.
I moved to a different state (U.S.) and house every couple of years during my entire childhood. Except one place, the one where most of my memories/flashbacks originate, we lived for four years.
My father is still living, although I cut off ties around 14 years ago.
He was recently incarcerated, thankfully. I acknowledge that as a blessing and act of justice from the universe.
You know what I am ruminating on lately? I can not think what I don't know. I can not feel what I've never felt. If we make our own reality, how can I have something I have no capacity to create?
It sounds like I am stuck in a defeatist pattern of thought; that I am restricting my healing, but I am truly asking myself that.
Like when I see the phrase, "Choose Happiness". Huh? Don't you think I would if I could? or "Life is Good". Maybe for you it is...
I am not intending to be contrary or pessimistic.
Here's an example:
I am strengthening my muscle groups in a fitness class designed for people who want to go kayaking, backpacking, and mountain biking. This class is a huge step for my self-confidence. Would never have signed up a year ago.
So I am doing exercises that are physically and mentally challenging.
I am struggling, while it seems that the rest of the group of people are not.
I feel pain in parts of my body that were abused.
I hear my father's voice telling me, "Just quit. You're a quitter anyway. No one will invite you on their trips because you can't make friends. It is so stupid that you think you will."
(I currently have no one whom I would call a friend in my life.)
So my therapist has helped me identify and recognize these thoughts and when and where they happen. This is a positive step for me. I know they are not my thoughts and that they are untrue.
So I fight back. I tell his voice to shut up. I ground myself in the present. I tell myself that I am doing fine. I allow anger to take over and I physically put more effort into what we are doing.
But you know what?
After I stop the painful trip wires, I have nothing left. I hear nothing in my head. It is lonely and I begin to feel sadness.
There is no presence of uplifting and strengthening thoughts behind the ones I just fought back.
So why am I fighting back?
I can't think what I don't know.
What am I supposed to hear? What am I supposed to think?
Do I make up some words just to fill the space and hope that my mind will believe them?
"You're strong."
"You're likeable."
"You're not a quitter."
It's like I've told my therapist- and then what?
I pushed through the pain and didn't let myself fall down the rabbit hole. And now what?
I don't feel overjoyed and fabulous. I don't feel hopeful and strong.
I feel scared.
Scared that the voice, the feelings, and the energy will just come right back.
It is amazing to me that you are at such a place of strong self identity that you can see a former version of your identity and let it go as powerless. Absolutely amazing. No one has ever told me that before. I have had people tell me that they recognize thoughts/feelings from their "old" self, and that is fascinating to me as well.
I want to see myself as a person going through everyday life with a balanced mind, an open heart, and a healthy, strong body.
I want that, but I've never felt that. I only know that exists because I've seen it in other people.
And that is what causes me to go back to that belief- how can I think what I don't know?
When were you able to do that in your life?
ws