still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

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HealingHearts
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Re: still going on

Post by HealingHearts » Sat Aug 25, 2012 4:12 am

My mother has no conscious left. It got lost long ago.

Did your father ever acknowledge the abuse before he died? It must have been so hard for you sitting there with him while he lay dying with you just recently having recalled his abuse. We are so sorry for you. You are a compassionate soul. I am afraid We would have struck him before he died. Did you ever talk to him about the abuse? Was there ever an inkling that he knew, you knew? What happened to you is sad. You were the one who was tortured and divided (divided from your memories for many, many years).

Feeling sad for you and "the hell you must deny" in order to have survived. It sounds like that hell has become a somewhat neutral place for you where you feel apathy for your father and mother. I hope you are in a safe place with your recollections.

HealingHearts
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VAC
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Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Sun Aug 26, 2012 1:11 am

He knew that I knew before he died....he was always afraid of me and I never knew why until I had recall.

HealingHearts
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Re: still going on

Post by HealingHearts » Sun Aug 26, 2012 1:26 am

(((Vac)))
It makes me gasp and feel a tightness in my chest for you. It must have been so hard taking care of him knowing that he knew what you now knew. What he did was wrong. So sorry you have gone through all you have. I can't imagine taking care of the mother on her death bed. It makes me sick inside with angst. Thank goodness she has moved far away and that will not be expected of me. You are an inspiration. I can't imagine what it must have felt like to finally know why your father was always afraid of you.
HealingHearts
Together we are stronger...

VAC
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Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Wed Sep 05, 2012 1:34 am

It all seems like ancient history now. In my heart, I would like to be able to buy my family home and have it bulldozed with a few family and friends present.

I am working past feeling cheated--I used to remember knowing as a kid that I did not belong there. I used to ask my folks if I was adopted.

I want to honor what was good with my folks--it is all quite tragic to me. They were both extraordinary people in many ways.

Before I had recall, I used to believe I was a terrible son. I did my best to stay out of my hometown when I was young because I was so wild and I did not want to embarrass them. I always felt guilty and really tried to compensate when I was older by going overboard to be a "good" son.

The greatest loss of this is perhaps that I spent years of my life trying to create a perfect world that did not exist. I have very deep family roots and had an inherited sense of responbility and obligation--the part that was really too much was the sudden realization that what I thought was truth and bedrock did not exist.

Two different things emerged. One was that I had to take responsibility for being who I was and not who I thought I was. The other was that I could not paint everything about my past and childhood bad.

I always felt sorry for both my parents.

Something died in me that needed to be reformed, recreated.

Now I am working for it to come to life again.

I am going on. They are dead.

I am not building my house in a cemetary.
Last edited by freshstart on Wed Sep 05, 2012 3:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited trigger warning - absolutely no worries!

VAC
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Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Sat Oct 27, 2012 5:02 am

I have been away for a while--very much going on, mostly good.

I got to walk down and around behind a large waterfall. It was amazing to stand underneath a river with a few feet of rock between me and the torrent.

I was quite satisfied and peaceful with the experience, although I climbed and descendend more steps that I have walked in a long while and could tell it.

I like beautiful surpise.

HealingHearts
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Re: still going on

Post by HealingHearts » Sat Oct 27, 2012 5:50 am

Vac
Nice to see you. That sounds wonderful! Glad to hear of this beautiful surprise and that things have been mostly good.
HealingHearts
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Harmony
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Re: still going on

Post by Harmony » Sat Oct 27, 2012 5:08 pm

The river is a lovely analogy to the healing path.


Glad you are going with the flow,
Harmony

VAC
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Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Tue Nov 06, 2012 6:13 am

Just read some of the posts of others. Have not been on for a while. I have always been astounded at the compassion on this site. It is a place to feel like regular people.

A lot of good is going on in most arenas--I got to see some old friends I have not seen in well over 20 years. Age is an amazing thing.

I am contemplating some more T. I have the feeling I am going to remember more and am not eager to. Have had some med issues which could be addressed. My family M.D. has been a close friend in this battle and would gladly adjust. I honestly don't know how my wife tolerates my numbness--I was always a go-getter.

My family has been here for a long while geographically. I have wondered how far back the abuse started in the past generations. It is presumption, and not anything I really need to know, but I have always been a curious man. I think I will soon be able to move away from here with no strings attached. I have two more hurdles to jump as far as financial obligations.

I hope all of you are well and recovering. I wonder about some of the folks who were on when I first came. The chats were very often filled each night.

Harmony
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Re: still going on

Post by Harmony » Tue Nov 06, 2012 4:49 pm

VAC wrote:Just read some of the posts of others. Have not been on for a while. I have always been astounded at the compassion on this site. It is a place to feel like regular people.

I hope all of you are well and recovering. I wonder about some of the folks who were on when I first came. The chats were very often filled each night.
Many of your old pals are now moderators ;)
with you,
Harmony

VAC
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Posts: 716
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Mon Nov 12, 2012 7:01 am

Even after all this time I marvel at the awful cruelty some seem to enjoy inflicting on others--there is no excuse except darkness.

This is how great evil flourishes--it is beyond comprehension so it is not comprehended.

I believe in forgiveness. I believe in second chances. I believe that people can change. I believe in the hearafter.

There are two many smiling faces in this world that seem sociopathic.

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