still going on

[VAC]

I would like more time.....I sometimes have to war to retain contact with the people around me. I am perceived as pre-occupied and rude.

I drift from them to take the the same thread of conversation that we had hours or days earlier.

It has been beastly hot here, up to 108.

How I once loved the sun and heat...it was life to me. A way to feel life. I could not stand the indoors.

Soon I will regain contact with someone whose thread I abandoned a long, long time ago.....me.

I would like to shoot through the layers of time like an armor-piercing shell, and emerge on the other side of a continuum of what I guess is bookmarking of some sort.

There I would find the me that has been locked away and is emerging. I have been convicted of the absolute necessity of getting away from the ancestor worship that permeated the dying embers of my family.

I often walk or drive in my dreams--it is an odd sleep that is not really sleep, but is. Perhaps I will get there one day soon.

Do I prefer care and anxiety to careless apathy? No......

[Anonymous]

Have gone onto chat many times but no one seems to be there.

[Truth teller]

VAC,

I am still around the grounds here. Thinking of you my friend. Hope you and your family are well. Catch you in chat sometime.

your old friend,
Tt

[Gizmo]

Vac

There is a thread at the top of the open forum where members often write to say they are going into chat. I suggest you do the same, that way if members who use chat are online, they can see that somebody is in there.

[VAC]

Hello,

Thanks Gizmo for the info.

Truth Teller, I was in the Seattle area for nearly two weeks. I have been there many times before, but it was cold and I was busy.

It was clear and everything was blooming. We were stunned by the beauty and also the peace that assailed us. I did something very out of synch for me and slept for two days off and on when we arrived. We stood at a waterfall and nearly cried at the beauty. I am very moisture, color, and light senstive.

We went to the ocean and were swathed in mist for an hour. Although we were in Washington, I knew Oregon must be similar--no wonder you love it so.

I am still trying to put the trip into perspective.

Next time, whales.....

[VAC]

Amazed at images and memories--mostly a benign collage these days. I am specifically remembering books I read and movies I watched as a boy that were not positive influences. Besides this, there are images of events, some frozen, some in motion, knowing how they impacted me, what I believed about it, and how deeply I tucked it away.

I have often wondered if what I call sleep really is. I know when I am deep asleep, but other times I am traveling or fighting--it is an inbetween place of awareness.

I suspect more, but don't dig. If it comes, it comes, but uncoaxed by me.

I am truly in awe I was not institutionalized as a child....I was so messed up. On the plus side of not having been, I would have remembered sooner. It would have been death.

"There is nothing you can't do if you apply yourself....you are not performing according to your potential"---I wonder how many times that was spoken to me?

No body understood that I just went away. A quiet place.

[VAC]

I had an odd experience in a public place recently. It was a pleasant setting--music. I was in the middle of it.

I was with old friends, some of whom I had not seen for a long time.

It was a very happy time for me.

Out of nowhere I, began to weep for my parents. It was not mourning, but I realized how much I miss them and love them.

They were such tragic, noble, broken, driven people.

I dare to love them--it does not make me feel week or stupid.

They are gone, their last deeds done.

No one but me knew what was happening--I was in the middle of music: I helped make more.

A lot of quilt left me.

I am not afraid to love.

[Harmony]

VAC,

Changed the trigger warning to No trigger because your words are heart felt not likely to trigger.

It is always good to hear your clear honest voice,

Harmony

[VAC]

Harmony,

Thank you. I need a clear, honest voice in several arenas right now.

V.

[maggiegirl]

Never, never, never give up. Those who have suffered carry the potential of a great gift---it has tapped into something most others never activate. We feel the burdens of others and are empaths on some level. Don't be afraid. Heal so that you can become a healer. I do not fear the pain any longer.

This is one of the most wonderful posts I have read and should give us all hope!!