still going on

[VAC]

Hello,

No call yet...

VAC

[Sheep]

[quote="VAC"]Hello,

...Amazing to me how life plays out....I have been pretty much of a wreck since then.

His grandmother was one of the nannies my parents hired to tend me. I did not remember her name. He asked me if I had ever asked her to forgive me. I was a very disturbed child. He told me she never forgot me.

He told me that one of the things i did was lock her out of the house while I was inside. I remembered that.

It is a key. I feel hideous. I remembered a great fugue of images.

He said she talked about me alot and that she always prayed for me.

I was not yet four when she kept me. My folks had trouble finding someone who could bear me. I imagine I was very troubling to a Godly older woman who had only kept normal children.

I gave this man my phone number and told him I would like to talk to him. I asked him to forgive me for anything I did to or said to his grandmother, and told him I was a messed up child. He told me he knew that and that he knew all about me.

He told me his grandmother had taught him to pray for me.

All this happened in about five minutes......eternity in five minutes.

Another chapter begins....

My God it comes....I am thankful.[/quote]


Hello VAC,

Nothing but compassion here for that little boy that locked his nanny out of the house. You were just a child. I hope what I post is not offensive to you but I care for a four year old boy and beyond his unkind words to me at times and unruly behavior, he just wants to be loved. Nothing he does or does not do will erase the love I have for this little boy in my heart!

Here reading,

Sheep

[there]

you were a lovable little boy who wasn't getting the love he naturally deserved. Locking the lady out seems like a way to exert any kind of control to feel some safety, but maybe you don't want my opinion.
When I was 4, I punched my mother and my best friend in the stomach. I also punched my fist through the glass in the front door. I know I was molested at 4 yo by older brother . I can only surmise that I was feeling anger from the molestation and acting accordingly.
The 4 year old kid in me needs me to reach out to the her in her anger.
YOU,VAC, have shown me that with your post.
Like Sheep describes with little boy she cares for, I want to send love to your hurt little boy inside.

[Fleur]

Hello VAC

Sitting quietly with you, in a warm healing space

Much caring my friend - please be very kind and caring of yourself and loved ones

[VAC]

There and Fleur,

Thanks for your posts....

I have been praying for the truth about my family to come to light...guess those prayers are being answered, howbeit slowly. Maybe enough for the moment, the way this has affected me.

I thought I was good with not remembering. There has been a demand in me to know the family that I knew lived here, but never came forward. I am positive I have a much younger half-brother here.

I knew this before an attorney threw it in my face in a private deposition in dealing with the tangled mess my dad left behind him.

When this man began to speak to me after the funeral I mentioned, the whole world got very small for a moment. There had been a lot of emotional input that day, and when he brought things to my remembrance, I had a typical flood of images I have not had in a while. I have been "very quiet" since, when I am out of the public eye.

When I say typical, that is the way memories would come to me when this started.

If the truth were known, my parents had a lot of trouble with me. I was violent with other children on a not-predictable basis. I also had very little attachment to them and left the house for very long periods of time, even when I was little. I got in trouble for throwing knives at the mailman and taking mail out of mail boxes (before I started school).

In today's world, a harsh light would have shone on the private life of my family because I was free to roam our town. I sometimes remember the hours and miles I walked or rode a bike to the distant parts of the community. I was very verbal, and usually had enough money in my pocket to feed myself.

When I was five, I would take a knife and rifle into the woods and fish all day. I did good quiet.

One of my older relatives, my grandpa, realized that I drifted and that I did not feel pain. He did not like to talk much. He watched me. He used to take me fishing and we did not talk. He asked me a couple of questions back then and left it at that.

My dad played "good dad" in front of family, but would say horrible things to me behind their backs.

A couple of times he did this in ear range of this grandpa......he would wait until we were alone and would tell me,

"I don't know what's wrong with him or why he acts like that...don't pay any attention to him."

I guess it became very apparent when I hit 11 or 12 I was just not the same as other kids. Too much to say here and no reason for now.

One of the things that has permeated me for some time is that I know I took a personal vow of destruction when I was a little kid....it is deep in me. It was the center of the secretive self-abuse. There are a couple of places I know about that do really deep therapy on a level I need. I think the deepest need is forgiveness on a level I have not yet been able to go yet, but working on. I did so deeply love my mom and dad.

I came close to killing him when I was a kid more than once.

That sounds like an oxymoron, but I so deeply labored for his approval. I worked harder than any of his hired help and he knew it. He was a gifted man in many ways. I learned to operate all heavy machinery and other skills, but he got so mean, I did all I knew to purge his essence from me.....

Kind of a lost cause when you look and sound like someone you call "Daddy"

The more I remember, the more I know my dad was afraid of me and I knew he was, and even as a small child, I was a constant shock to him. I would provoke him until he was crazy and then would laugh at him when he whipped me.

Enough of this rambling....I know that it will do me good to talk to the minister from the funeral. I am afraid to hear what he has to say from his grandma, but I am eager to know and to get it over with. I have remembered that when I locked her out, I would trash the house. I did bad things.

I used to lock my parents out of the house and do the same.

It is interesting that I have had a great increase in physical pain since this man spoke to me: I know this is connected. I am free, being freed, will be free, and this sorrow wants to torture me to get me to stop.

Thanks for the kindness of your posts.

Sincerely,

VAC

[Fleur]

Hello VAC

Back in our childhood, it was commonplace for youngsters to wander the streets, hop on a bike with a sandwich and apple (in my case) and return for the evening meal

I used to walk a few blocks from home aged 4 in order to watch cattle loaded on trucks, pat the dogs and have a ride in front of a drover in a big circle on his horse before being let down and told to go home to my mother

No caring parent would allow such a thing these days, unfortunately
I certainly never permitted my son the liberty I enjoyed under 14

May you have a very helpful informative conversation or 3 with those people who recall your family in previous years

Kind regards

[VAC]

Fleur,

Thanks....

VAC

[VAC]

STILL no call....wonder why he has not called?

VAC

[Fleur]

Hello VAC

No idea really, however -
Perhaps some kind of personal or family crisis
Maybe he lost your contact details
Could he have enough to go on, or become suddenly busy?

Do you have their contact details? If so, perhaps you might feel comfortable initiating further conversation?

May everything be worked out soonest and very well from your perspective

[VAC]

Hello,

Long absence, travel....death of my last aunt on my dad's side. She was a beautiful, kind woman.

My cousin and I spent the day of her funeral together...he is my baby brother's age and they were friends.

We talked a lot.

I had my reservations before, but now I am convinced my brother was also my dad's victim. He was not resilient.

I am very sorry.

Doing well, have enjoyed travel, still no call.

Hope everyone is well,

VAC