still going on

[wolfspirit]

VAC,
Your words of encouragement are like a treasure to me. I understand what you are sharing, and the message I'm taking in is that I am not trapped in the trauma. Although it feels that way so often, eventually the experiences and identity I grew up with will lose strength and I will be able to live without their stain. I cherish your belief that I will heal and change.

I cried when I read that you would sit with me in a place where abusive experiences happened, and then take me somewhere peaceful and beautiful.
I moved to a different state (U.S.) and house every couple of years during my entire childhood. Except one place, the one where most of my memories/flashbacks originate, we lived for four years.
My father is still living, although I cut off ties around 14 years ago.
He was recently incarcerated, thankfully. I acknowledge that as a blessing and act of justice from the universe.

You know what I am ruminating on lately? I can not think what I don't know. I can not feel what I've never felt. If we make our own reality, how can I have something I have no capacity to create?
It sounds like I am stuck in a defeatist pattern of thought; that I am restricting my healing, but I am truly asking myself that.
Like when I see the phrase, "Choose Happiness". Huh? Don't you think I would if I could? or "Life is Good". Maybe for you it is...

I am not intending to be contrary or pessimistic.
Here's an example:
I am strengthening my muscle groups in a fitness class designed for people who want to go kayaking, backpacking, and mountain biking. This class is a huge step for my self-confidence. Would never have signed up a year ago.
So I am doing exercises that are physically and mentally challenging.
I am struggling, while it seems that the rest of the group of people are not.
I feel pain in parts of my body that were abused.
I hear my father's voice telling me, "Just quit. You're a quitter anyway. No one will invite you on their trips because you can't make friends. It is so stupid that you think you will."
(I currently have no one whom I would call a friend in my life.)

So my therapist has helped me identify and recognize these thoughts and when and where they happen. This is a positive step for me. I know they are not my thoughts and that they are untrue.
So I fight back. I tell his voice to shut up. I ground myself in the present. I tell myself that I am doing fine. I allow anger to take over and I physically put more effort into what we are doing.
But you know what?
After I stop the painful trip wires, I have nothing left. I hear nothing in my head. It is lonely and I begin to feel sadness.
There is no presence of uplifting and strengthening thoughts behind the ones I just fought back.
So why am I fighting back?
I can't think what I don't know.
What am I supposed to hear? What am I supposed to think?
Do I make up some words just to fill the space and hope that my mind will believe them?
"You're strong."
"You're likeable."
"You're not a quitter."

It's like I've told my therapist- and then what?
I pushed through the pain and didn't let myself fall down the rabbit hole. And now what?
I don't feel overjoyed and fabulous. I don't feel hopeful and strong.
I feel scared.
Scared that the voice, the feelings, and the energy will just come right back.

It is amazing to me that you are at such a place of strong self identity that you can see a former version of your identity and let it go as powerless. Absolutely amazing. No one has ever told me that before. I have had people tell me that they recognize thoughts/feelings from their "old" self, and that is fascinating to me as well.

I want to see myself as a person going through everyday life with a balanced mind, an open heart, and a healthy, strong body.
I want that, but I've never felt that. I only know that exists because I've seen it in other people.
And that is what causes me to go back to that belief- how can I think what I don't know?

When were you able to do that in your life?

ws

[VAC]

Wolf Spirit,

I don't want to come across as if "I am there"....the last 14 years have been decimating for me.

I have aged beyond my years, and lost the physical strength and activity that were such a relief and panacea to me.

I have come close to being homebound due to pain from childhood injuries that were never treated. I have had a couple of what would be considered "breakdowns". I have such honor and respect for you and those like you who always remembered. I did not until I was 49.

For the first time in over 10 years I am living without insane, chronic, invasive pain that no drug could really touch.

This has been a long battle, personally costly on every arena. I hear the voices that come, but I really can't allow myself to feed on them, as well as the images.

The workaholism that marked my youth, along with every excess one could imagine, was a symptom.

A T asked me what I would do if my dad was still alive....this was about 8 years ago. She asked me if I would want to kill him. I thought for a moment, and then told her,

"I would care for him, since he would be an invalid. I would take very good care of him, even loving care. Everyone would see and know he was well taken care of. Once a day, every day, I would take a belt and beat the crap out of him, and he would know he was going to get it every day."

The T was profoundly shocked.

I believe I have changed since then.

Here is the one thing I can say to you that is the only denominator in my equation on which I can definitively put my finger, is my faith, and my believe in forgiveness. I ask for help and for strength, and for renewal. So much of what I did wrong in my life may have been a result of the abuse, but I was the one who did it, not my dad or the others.

Just today I had a few flashbacks. I do not like what I did not to hurt and use others. I was a seducer and I tampered with lives I could have just as easily left alone. Saying this, I have always felt a profound need for forgiveness.

The need for forgiveness and relief from the overpowering shame that gnawed me preceded my recall of the events of CSA, and I was killing myself with drinking, and drugs, and compulsive sex. I had no control, no brakes, and the limits I set for myself were always eroding.

I remember the two weeks I came to the end of myself. I got everything I had ever wanted. I heard everything I had ever wanted to hear. It had been a season of that for several years, having everything I said I wanted put in my lap and it making me sick.

I saw the future. There are times, one's life really does flash before one's eyes.

I would have been accorded somewhat of a celebrity status. I would have lived and died in Europe. It would have utterly destroyed everyone in my family. I would have died young.

Wolf Spirit, I have no great reserve of wisdom or inner strength from which to draw in this life I live. I honestly feel helpless without the anchor of what I know and believe about my faith. I have been sharing my story publicly recently at the right time and place, and have seen many come and tell someone else they are survivors for the first time.

I still can't fathom a father molesting his children, or anyone finding pleasure in the pain of another.

I am horrified....we are still experiencing the repercussions of this as a family.

One question is that since your father is alive, have you ever written to him and told him everything you would like to say to him? I do not believe that is an imperative. My dad hated me because I had become a Christian. I have failed to know or understand what he was into spiritually, but I suspect some kind of occult activity.

My hope for you is that when your dad dies, you have no regret of things you wish you had said, but not my call. Just been there and done that.

In the empty spaces in me when I have to "find an identity" I look to the one Father I have truly always had and Who has never hurt or rejected me.

I was that odd crazy kid who never fit anywhere....then I was that young man that turned heads and caused tongues to wag.

Then I spent 26 years trying to be whole without knowing why there was that missing piece no matter what good came into my life.

Then I remembered....and believing I am loved and forgiven and receive help that is pure and holy is medicine to me.

Now I am here, and grateful.

Please forgive me if I have frustrated you or made you feel like you were failing.

Until recently I thought my days were numbered, but I am emerging physically and emotionally.

I also believe you are coming out of this storm a strong and healed man.

VAC

[wolfspirit]

VAC,
I appreciate your honesty about your journey and your faith.
I can see that you have taken many different paths on the road to where you are now.
You have faced unquantified amounts of pain and searched in obscure parts of your self for wounds to heal.
It seems that you have a direction on which to keep going, using your relationship to a higher power and a faith that all will be okay.
I am inspired by your perseverance as you continue to heal.

Every life and soul is different and the trauma and abuse created cracks and gouges that can heal if the person is strong enough to work on it. I struggle with the faith and hope, but I am also early in the journey to healing. I realize that.

Wishing you a light-hearted week and thank you for your connection of caring and help.

ws

[VAC]

Wolf Spirit,

I don't believe it will take you as long as it has me...for real.

VAC

[wolfspirit]

VAC,
Thank you for the well wishes.
At this point, it feels like it will never end. Ever.
Another flashback yesterday.
Body is buzzing.
Mind is heading to su ideations.
I'm so tired.
Trying to hang on to my own connection to a higher power the way you do with your faith.

ws

[VAC]

Wolf Spirit,

Lost a longer post to you. One day I will figure out chat again and we will chat.

Peace to your soul.

Much respect to you.

VAC

[wolfspirit]

VAC,
I've lost posts, as well. Kind of frustrating.
Thank you for the blessing; I need it.
Hope you are happy, too.

ws

[VAC]

Hello,

These have been odd days....the death of a dear friend, the horror of a brutal sickness, the sorrow of a husband who would have done anything to keep her here with him.

She fought to the very end, eyes open, a survivor and fighter.

I have had a lifelong form of aphasia....I think it is from frontal lobe injury, perhaps also a violent reaction to the DPT vaccine.....I see what I want to say, know the words, but it won't come out. I can even write them sometimes. I do know it is triggered by stress or exhaustion. Perhaps it is the grief of losing my friend.

I start sentences and trail off or begin a conversation and trail off.

Perhaps I will share this with my md, but it is something I have always dealt with. It used to get me in trouble at school. Had to take some of my tests verbally many years ago in college. I had an A in the class and could not write anything on my test. After half an hour I wrote my name on the final and handed it it: my professor chased me down and asked me if I had studied. She knew i had. Then I took it verbally and made a perfect score.

Anyway, that has been an issue lately: very few deaths have so stunned me.


It is beastly hot here. I used to enjoy this. It meant I could be working in the sun or swimming. No more.

There is a part of me that is nesting, wanting to hole away, wanting to be in a quiet safe place for a while. I have been emotional with my family, my wife, my children. I do not want to burden them, but at the same time, life is too short to not be honest with those you love.

I am ok, and will be fine.

[VAC]

Hello,

I think about so many I know on this site and have known. I marvel at your courage and strength, and sometimes weep for your sorrows.

I am a merciful man. I believe that each human being has value beyond our comprehension, and that the animals and beautiful things in this world are to be honored.

I deeply appreciate the vision that brought this site into being and all those who have loved the unlovely and allowed their souls to be scarred for the sake of others....thank you.

A couple of days ago marked the 41st anniversary of me coming off the streets and into the beginning of being healed. It has all been good, even the horrible parts....ignorance may sometimes be bliss, but is not therapeutic.


Was able to go outside a few days ago and so some light work in the yard....it was Heaven.


Peace and Healing to each one of you and wisdom for each step you must take on your journey.

VAC

[Jonesy]

I deeply appreciate the vision that brought this site into being and all those who have loved the unlovely and allowed their souls to be scarred for the sake of others....thank you.

VAC - I too give thanks for this