still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Sun Jan 12, 2020 12:22 am

Thanks to you both.....

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Thu Jan 16, 2020 2:02 am

Have decided to let others clean everything out. V

Jonesy
Director
Director
Posts: 13093
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Jonesy » Thu Jan 16, 2020 9:33 am

Great self-cae VAC :)
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Mon Jan 20, 2020 6:53 am

Hello,

Remembered something today that drifted in like a pleasant breeze...when I was a little boy on our farm, a wild duck flew in a stayed. He was a mallard and followed me everywhere I went.

He did not leave. I always believed he was special gift to me from God. I looked for him everyday. Whenever I sat down, the duck would crawl in my lap and place his head on my neck. He was totally content.

I was about 5...this was a splendid experience for me. All the grown folks said they had never seen anything like that before. We had been away for a few days and of course I came back looking for my duck.

He had gotten into the hog pen and had been eaten. My grandpa told me he found his feathers.

I mourned that duck...

VAC
Last edited by Harmony on Mon Jan 20, 2020 6:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited trigger indicator from MT to NT due to no triggering language nor content.

Watercolor
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Posts: 1595
Joined: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:46 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Watercolor » Mon Jan 20, 2020 3:28 pm

Oh. I know you did. Mourn that duck. What an awful outcome. Especially for a small child.

What a treasure it was for a while. So glad for that gift to you.

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:53 am

Hello...I have been writing on a post for an hour, been thinking about it all day...it was erased. I am sorry. VAC

Watercolor
Member
Posts: 1595
Joined: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:46 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Watercolor » Fri Feb 21, 2020 6:56 pm

Sooooo sorry for your lost post. How frustrating that is!

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Wed Mar 04, 2020 4:45 am

Hello,

There is so much going on everywhere in the circumstances of life, and in the lives of the people I know and love. Amazingly so much of it is normal. I have always had the expectation of a peaceful place, a bastion of serenity.

I find increasingly that my quiet place is inside of me, not the circumstances or the surroundings.

Several years ago, I made a retreat for myself. I used to be a landscaper and how I loved it. It is a patio made of cement tiles of different colors. It is bordered with a sturdy plant that came from one of my grandmothers who died in 1956. There is a good sized tree in the midst. There is a swing and a bench. in the back is a small fish pond that is non-functional now. I really can't chance trying to fix it and can't find anyone with the know how to do it without highway robbery. There is a trained white wisteria in the corner.

We have massive insect issues here, but I sat there and thought, and prayed, and it was a quiet place. I preferred the heat to ac and did not like to be inside. I would receive people there who came to visit. I have accumulated many pots over my lifetime and I had plants everywhere .

There are three huge pots with a perennial called Dragon's Tongue....it is thick and burgundy and green and quite magnificent.

We have been invaded by brown widow spiders which are different than black widow since they are aggressive. The yard and house have to be sprayed monthly.
The mosquitos from the little swampy copse of trees behind us now may carry disease.

I don't remember the last time I sat in my little outside room, but the heat now oppresses me and I don't like to feed the insects. I make a token effort to keep it up. There is some labor that is necessary.

We also have been dominated by feral cats the city does not seem to be able to deal with....they sort of spoil sitting outside with the wafting of urine.

I don't mean to be negative. I am tired, and have not been feeling well.

I feel poisonous sometimes, and it is best for me to just shut my mouth and keep my thoughts to myself.

People believe that I am totally outgoing and aggressive...I am not. My facial features are sharp. I appear to be angry when I am not. There are some realities that I face that I overcompensate for....many times it is a battle for me to be in large groups of people and that is my life it seems.

I have been somewhat hermitish lately. When I come to a place like this, I really don't want to talk. I have had some form of aphasia for as long as I can remember. I can see the images of everything that I need to say, and even see the words written out in my mind, but something freezes and I can't get it out. It goes and comes. I have wondered if is some type of brain injury, and have been amazed at research done on men with frontal lobe brain injuries.

Both of my children have begun to talk with me, not that they did not before, but it is personal and a great comfort. I could be on the phone all day long and I sometimes get what I call phonitis...I just can't do it. My personal T of almost thirty years and a dear friend has been very ill. He is one of the most selfless men I have ever known.

The sufferings of people and even animals cut me to the core...I get bad rushes that go through me, but at the same time I am able to care for them if it is necessary. I have been deeply troubled by the sicknesses and deaths of some of my closest friends, more like brothers and sisters. I seem to be invited to shared the last moments of those I love. I believe this is a great privilege, more important than attending a birth. I was trained from my early childhood to be a caretaker. Mother wanted me to consider medicine, and we took people in and cared for them. I have found out in part who I am by providing personal care for those who are so ill they can do nothing for themselves and are humiliated. It is matter of fact. I do for them as I would like to be treated in the same circumstance.

I always hold our pets in my arms when it is time for them to go. One night I had been up all night with my little dog, so faithful, who had been having strokes all night. I got him to our vet the next morning. I asked my wife to tell the vet I could not come inside and would she please come to the car. She did and gave him one shot and told me she was going to give us a few minutes with him, Reo. After the shot, I promise he smiled and licked my hand. We told him what a good dog he was and held him. The next shot the vet came out and her friend sang to us. I am a softy at heart.

I have been awash with regrets lately and it is not healthy. I have so disliked myself most of my life. But I know better now. I can't go back and relive the past. I am thankful for this site to come and think outloud. My dear wife has been so mistreated by her family. They do their best to humiliate her. My wife has found her tongue and I am duly amazed.

There is a part of me that I shut up and shut down...it is convenient. When I was small I would find a hidden nook in the house somewhere and pull things in front of me and hide. I can't say that I slept, but I went away. The most wonderful were the times I had swam until my whole body tingled and I could suspend under water and look up at the sun refracting through the lense of the surface. That place used to be safe, but it is dangerous.

I, in a weak moment, have threatened that one day I will stop talking, but I won't.

Don't worry about me. There are things I must do aggressively to get back in my groove in life. I will not retire.

How I would love to sit down to tea with you all, to see your faces, to thank you for what you have given me and poured into me here. I feel I know a number of you quite well. I am sorry if I have wounded any of you, or disappointed you with what I have written. Wish more folks would come to chat

Peace and healing to you all, and protection. Love your life as long as you live and always be expectant for better things and positive change.

VAC.

coconuts
Member
Posts: 3679
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: still going on

Post by coconuts » Wed Mar 04, 2020 1:51 pm

Ah VAC

Life keeps changing and rolling along eh. That retreat sounds amazing. Minus the bugs. And a person shudder on the spiders. I'm quite terrified of spiders.

You've dealt with a lot of loss in various aspects. I have a dear friend who has sat with many people during their exit from this world. She has explained it as a beautifully spiritual experience.

There is a grace given in this place. The retreat we have where it is okay to just be. Whomever we are at the moment. I often wear my mask in the world. Brave and strong and positive. The reality behind the mask is tiring. It's okay to be solemn or angry or weak or strong here. It's okay to be positive or negative. To wear your truth even for a moment. Someone here understands. Likely many people do. And I don't feel a negative in your words. More a tiredness. A need to express that.

I enjoy the beauty you see the world with. You accept the reality of some of its ugliness and glory at the amazing strength and wonder of it as well. The way you explain your wife and see her strength now. Your compassion for the wounded and broken of this world. It is so very kind.

Wishing you wellness and peace VAC

Coconuts 🥥

VAC
Member
Posts: 713
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Thu Mar 05, 2020 4:15 am

Coconuts,

Thank you....today it is storming here with rain, and I have stayed in most of the day.

V.
Last edited by Jonesy on Thu Mar 05, 2020 6:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content

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