still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

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Fleur
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Posts: 11635
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Location: Australia

Re: still going on

Post by Fleur » Tue Oct 17, 2017 6:41 am

Hello VAC


Thank you for sharing. I'm happy it feels cathartic to write here. Also thank you for the reassurance that you are choosing to live the best you can

I know memories can be bittersweet, or just plain awful but it also seems you have some nicer childhood memories too?

May you find peace within


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

there
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am
Location: New England, USA

Re: still going on

Post by there » Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:52 pm

Hi, VAC,
Good to read your recent posts.
Sending gentle support your way.
"Don't live down to expectations. Go out there and do something remarkable." Wendy Wasserstein

VAC
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Posts: 601
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am
Location: Southern United States

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Fri Dec 15, 2017 8:22 am

Hello,

Very short....I know the Holidays are hard for many with regrets and memories attached with times that most others seemed to be having a joyful time.

Start over again. Make your own memories. Years ago, in the 70's, there was a song with a line in it ".....never let yesterday steal your todays". This is sort of a mantra.

When I get tired my mind wanders to things I am better off not going to. My regrets to all who are alone or who can't abide any celebration because of the events imprinted during this time in your past.

I also have wondered whether sharing the dream, about my primary abuser, would help others. It is the only sexually based dream I have ever had about him, and it explained so much to me. I still have to ponder this. I have remembered more. It stinks but it is good to know.

Later,

V.

Fleur
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Posts: 11635
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Location: Australia

Re: still going on

Post by Fleur » Fri Dec 15, 2017 11:07 am

Waving to you VAC


May the festive season bring you peace, loving family and friends
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

Jonesy
Director
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Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Jonesy » Sun Dec 17, 2017 5:38 am

Lovely, as always, to read from you VAC.
Agreeing that the festive image of 'family & togetherness' can be difficult to stomach when you're on the outside of it.
Hoping that you and yours get the opportunity to make some new memories soon.
You are important
Email: jonesy@hush.com

Harmony
Moderator
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Harmony » Sun Dec 17, 2017 5:38 pm

Dear VAC,

It alway warms my heart to see you post. You are truly a survivor thriver. Wishing you only the best. Enjoy each moment. You are a cherished long to isurvivor.


with care,
Harmony

VAC
Member
Posts: 601
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am
Location: Southern United States

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:42 am

Hello,

I have been away for a while, feel like a space traveler sometimes. So much has taken place lately: dear friends moving away others battling cancer, and new levels of work for me to reach....

This dream has so opened up my memories, although the dream is symbolic...

In the dream I was in a huge bed....my dad was on the other side of the bed, covered with wounds and bandages. I sat with my back to a wall and my feet across the bed on my dad. I had hired a huge man, a brown man who was blind to come and lay down with his head at my right hand, his back across my lap, and his feet at my left hand.

I would put my hands some where on the hired man's body and kick my dad...I would sneer at him, "look at what I am doing". My dad would moan and cry and beg me to make him watch me. I would laugh and do something else to the blind man across my lap, not even for pleasure, but to make my dad watch.

My dad would try to look away, but I would make him look. The blind man was almost like a Golem. It was very odd, since I never paid for sex when I was wild and wooly. I believe I brought him there simply for the purpose of punishing my dad. I honestly believe that man and the scenario represented the root and the motive of all the insane things I did.

My dad was always scared of me. I knew it, but did not know why. I was damaged goods and he was the damager. This dream is quiet symbolic and literal of the way things were.

I went sort of bonkers when I was fourteen and escaped internment in a mental facility. That was about the time that men in our community noticed me It was very blatant. I could be with my dad or mom, walking down the street and have men step out of businesses and whistle at me. They would get in my face in front of my dad and ask me to go hunting or fishing with them.....he knew exactly what they wanted.

I lived in a fog most of the time, and started self-medicating about that time. I began to keep company with notorious people in our small city.

Part of the memory that has been restored to me since this dream, is that I did everything in my power to oppose my dad, to shame him. I was a nightmare in the neighborhood, really dangerous for the other children. I put one in the hospital for three weeks with a fractured skull, and other things. People moved to get away from me.

They could not find domestics to keep house and care for me because they were scared of me.

This dream shocked me and I believe it is very accurate of why I did the insane, self-destructive things in my dad's face. He had to remove me from his place of employment because a man came in and we were checking each other out. He had to face the men and women he knew in this small town.

He lived in fear of me.

The positive aspect of having this vivid dream is that I am more open and willing to forgive my folks. It really cemented in the part of my past in which I was so utilitarian with the men I was involved with. The vast majority of them were men that could never have been conceived to be gay. One part of me tried to hide my lifestyle from my folks to protect them. The other part of it was that I did things in the face of this city to humiliate my dad.

The negative aspect since I had this dream is remembering so many things I had not seen before, and as in keeping with past revelations, this has depressed me, and I have to fight the insane desire to run. Have been very detached from my wife and have been spacey. I have remembered many things that could have been I was protected from, for which I am thankful. It is very odd, but since the initial dream, I have had the impression in my dream life that he is alive and dependent and a part of my life I ignore, but he is needy and I should "be a good son".

I also have looked back and been eaten with regret and reliving the damage I have done. That is another revelation I had when I interpreted this dream. I can hate what my dad and others did to me. I am starting to think there were possibly more. That is not what this dream showed me though. It showed me that I am the one who did the most damage to my own being, using the pain and the unknown parallel of repressed memories, as an excuse to enter into a masochistic, self-hating, nihilistic hedonism.

My folks got called by the health department when I was still a teenager to let them know their son had been declared a public health menace by the CDC.

Again the drive to take myself down comes when I remember things, but fortunately I am beyond that now. Just looking back makes me ashamed, but I have to fight myself not to drift into a fantasy fugue and live it all over again in my mind. When I do this, I feel weak, exhausted, ashamed, and sometimes nauseous.

I cheat myself by going back in time and taking my being into the catacombs.

I am in my 60's now, and my life is not over. I have a good doctor who works with me and knows me. I have gone on a generic anti-depressant for the time until I get through this. I deeply appreciate the ability to come here and be transparent. I know that I have been drifting since I had the dream, but that dimension will close soon....

.....that driftingnessless was my old hiding place and when I feel it come, I put it away. I can't space out.

I also have to fight that in other ways, like obsessing on things that consume my time so I won't have to face what I need to do....I have so many doors open. I have responsibilities. I can't run from life, from my life.

Thanks for listening--I hope my sharing this dream helps someone else and hurts no one.

VAC

VAC

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