still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

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Posts: 595
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am
Location: Southern United States

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Wed Jul 26, 2017 4:50 am

Pensive, stubborn, resilient, rebellious....

How I ponder the persistent sameness of the place and surroundings I call home...

It is not the fault of those with whom I live. Part of it I suppose it the passage into old age, knowing I will live to get older, God wiling.

I brood. When I do it is like a deep drilling into the core of my being and my thoughts, my own peculiar thoughts.

We have had very happy times recently, good news.

At the same time, I have deep and abiding regrets about things that can't be relived. I have always been a giver. It is what makes me work and I can't explain it really. I have poured out to my loved ones. I have recently had to fight offense and bitterness with my children. It is good that we are separated by some distance and seek one another out at times we truly want to be together.

It is equally strange, that my busy, active, traveling, organizing, creative self has been searching for me. Amazing.

I really see it as possibly a Divine strategy to pull me out of the hole of that to which the last several years and months have reduced me.

My wife and I are singing together is amazing that which began our relationship has now surfaced again. She loves music and fills this house with the beauty of her soul.

I was such an angry and explosive man before I met her.

That same man with his ridiculous outbursts of wicked ranting sometimes whispers to me: I would never be a candidate for dementia, but then who would be? If I spoke all that bubbled in my heart, I would do such damage to those I love the best.

I visit an old school chum in a nursing home nearby me, twelve years of school together....he was kind to me and a true friend. He cries when I go. He has said things to me like "I am disappointed in how I have spent my life".

I suppose such thoughts are common for us all as we enter the time more of our lives are behind us than before us.

The paradox of this is that I am very sad we do not live closer to our children.....give Mr. Mood some slack.

We will see what the future holds.

This may seem like nothing or strange to some of you, but I have been greatly encouraged by being able to have some semblance of our yard to its former condition. Others come and help me, honestly, I sit and talk to them while they work. I have many years of training that still comes in handy. Fair trade.

The family home I grew up in was a statement of my dad's insistence on my mom not having what she wanted.....he was also a hoarder. I suppose one of the things I said to him when he was feeble I should not have was when he kept going on about me having the "home place" for the children. I told him, "Daddy, Mama always hated this kept her here. It means nothing to me"

I have always striven for our house to not look shabby. It is a personal thing from my childhood. a stand against my father. I did all their yardwork until they passed, for my mom's sake.

It depresses the hell out of me when I am not able to do that or to get it done.

Enough evisceration tonight.

God I love my children....don't want to try to control them.

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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Harmony » Wed Jul 26, 2017 4:39 pm

Dear VAC,

You are one fine man. Your wife is lucky. Your children are lucky. We are lucky to have you too. Living a life of meaning doesn't mean making no mistakes. Living a life of meaning means living with grace and love. Any questions? I know you read the good book. It is in there. Now you do unto others as you... go forward. Ask for forgiveness to those you might have hurt. Have you seen the movie The Shack? As a rebel you will like it because it is controversial. It challenges all our questions and preconceptions. The guy who wrote the book has publicly acknowledged that he is one of us. The story is really about csa. I have that on excellent authority. We shared the same T. Small world eh?

with care,

Posts: 595
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am
Location: Southern United States

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Thu Jul 27, 2017 4:03 am

Harmonious Harmony,

My daughter gave me a copy of The Shack when she was in T. I looked at it for 9 months and then read it, all at once. I can do that and used to live like that for days on end of reading.

The book really helped me. I wish the author would have been a bit more conservative in portraying the Trinity, although I thoroughly loved it, having been raised by and calling Black women, "Mama", it was not a great stretch for me.

My sweet daughter and I saw the movie together and cried like crazy things the whole time....she is so beautiful, so strong.

There are two scenarios here which I find amazing in my thoughts, even in my dreams. My family has been here since the late 1700's. Part of me would like to recoup the original location and find the foundation of the house which was burned....

The other scenario is that I leave this place which I love and hate forever, but who would tend and clean the graves (don't freak, I don't and won't, but ever so often I have to go)....that has just been my perusement

And yes, Harmony, I do read and believe The Book. More than ever. I watch the Land Beautiful and know: so do you. Soon.

You are kind. I am so trying not to be an old fart.

Tomorrow morning early we go to visit our daughter.


Posts: 595
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am
Location: Southern United States

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Mon Aug 07, 2017 2:00 am


Thoughts from today, the last few days.

I survive
I will survive....

Many conversations with an old friend, brilliant, as close to a hermit as a man can be.....he is a survivor of emotional abuse and terrible words. He does not know about my CSA status.

This has gone on for decades, this same conversation over and over.

He was not loved.

I have always respected his intellect.

I am probably the only friend he has. I talk with his wife. His children know me.

Something about his parents and his "performance" as an adult causes him to live in profound shame and self-loathing. So many of us battle this on this site.

I will continue to encourage him. I have shared my battle scars concerning my family sans the CSA. I decided he would not handle it well, and it would hurt him and shut him up. In our friendship, he needs to be needy, and I don't mean that in a condescending way at is my perception that has been built for nearly 30 years.

He is sad.

That is all, he is sad.

I don't want him to be sad.

He is fighting for his children....he loves them. I am rather proud of him.

I will have been surviving...
I will have survived.

That is all.


Posts: 10913
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am
Location: Australia

Re: still going on

Post by Fleur » Mon Aug 07, 2017 12:19 pm

Hello VAC

I think everyone needs a really good friend and you're giving this man a wonderful thing - your time and attention, truly listening

May he find solace amidst his pain

Wishing you and family very well as you enter hottest months
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

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