Shattered Heart

[solana]

I was hoping the next thing I wrote would be positive and inspiring, or at least hopeful... but this came out instead. sorry.

Shattered Heart

A heart is a hollow, muscular organ;
at least for a short while.
Circumstances wear the muscle thin
until it is hard and fragile.

With every harsh word,
it cracks a little more.
With every painful touch,
another fractured sore.

The cracks accumulate
and I can finally see my fate.
There's not enough solid structure
to hold the pieces together.

Trembling hands reach out,
attempting to keep the pieces in place,
but it has already shattered;
it is much too late.

Dropping at a deathly rate,
the fragments fall;
crumbling as they hit the bottom
of my cold, dark soul.

In a last-ditch effort,
I sweep up the remains;
sorting them like puzzle pieces,
but they do not fit the same.

Parts are missing;
edges are sharp.
Now I truly know the feeling
of a broken heart.

With every deep breath,
shards cut into my arteries like broken glass.
The pain begs for death;
please let it happen fast.

I try to hold my breath,
for breathing hurts, you see.
But oxygen forces it's way into my lungs,
continuing to violate me.

Bleeding on the inside,
slowly turning cold.
There's nowhere safe to hide,
nothing left to hold.

The chilled red liquid
soaks me with fear.
I can only hope
that the end is near.

[earthhorse]

((((((((((((((((((( Solana )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for choosing life today and for this powerful testament to suffering. Witnessing. I feel seen by your words.

I feel the broken, painful shards move through my body too and rip at my insides.

Why does it pump still?

I was thinking about he heart. How it is a very flexible dynamic organ, it needs to flow to move. The way it breaks is through blockages, that form through slow building of hardness along the artery walls. Its true when it looses it's flexibility it hardens, fills up with hardness and breaks. It needs to be empty and full, empty and full.

I think the shattering pain, the ripping is healing. the hard pieces need to shatter break away and move all through our bodies until they are broken down into something new.

Surviving this shattering is another story, maybe we will, maybe we won't. In my story I think it is noble to have allowed the heart to break, to shatter the hardness.

Everyone says that we survived the abuse and its over now, but for me this reality of pain, disability, shame, rage, doubt and self hate, is here and now and happening all the time, all my life. I have to keep struggling to survive, and the complications keep mounting. I'll need a flexible beating broken shattered heart to get through this. I can't afford to harden, none of the shapes I am taking look like me, I need to keep changing and becoming.

Hoping you are well, that this pain has become something else today. Thank you for being here!

Love,
EH

[solana]

((((((((((Earthhorse))))))))))

Thank you for your thoughtful and understanding response.

I really appreciate your take on the shattering being healing. I've been so lost in my way of thinking that I am failing in my healing journey because I'm still in pain. But the way you described it makes perfect sense to me now. The heart is still there, still beating. It simply had to shatter and shed its hardness in order to be free again, to make room for something new. It'll be an excruciating process to dissolve these shards, but it is undeniably the way towards positive change.

Surviving the aftermath is proving to be just as huge of a struggle as surviving the events themselves. Somehow I have managed so far; I'm not giving up today.

Thank you for being you and for being here. Wishing you well.

[there]

solana,
reading this tonight helps, so thanks.

'bleeding on the inside' -yes, really get that

'chilled red liquid' reminds me of the French 'sangfroid' or cold -blooded.

I like what eh said bout the shattering being the healing.

very strong poem.

[solana]

thanks, there. glad to hear that it helps. it helps me also to be understood - thank you.