Dear Diary...

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flowermelt
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Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2018 6:38 pm

Dear Diary...

Post by flowermelt » Mon Oct 08, 2018 8:48 pm

Dear Diary, today has been a very hard day for me. I have been having flasbacks of the abuse I suffered when I was 15 years old by my half brother, who was 40 years old at the time. I can’t really explain how it makes me feel inside. It’s like a black hole, that you’re trying to escape from, you’re trying to dig your way out but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to escape from there. It feels like I can never be happy. I don’t even know what happiness is any more. I feel like everyday he’s winning a little bit more. That he’s taking that little bit more of my life away from me.

It’s like he’s always there, watching me fall. Keeping his eye on me, my next move, my next word… it’s like he’s just always there. I don’t know what else he wants from me, because he’s already taken so much from me. I don’t know why he wants to hurt me so much. Why he wants to cause me so much pain. Why he wants to destroy me. But he does. He really does. He wants to destroy me. He wants to destroy every part of me. He wants to anihillate me completely, from the inside out. And I don’t understand why. Why me? Why is he doing this to me ? Why is he making me feel this way? Why does he want to harm me so much? There’s no mercy. He won’t stop making me feel this way til I’m dead in the ground. I don’t know how to escape from him. I can’t stop his torture. I can’t stop his hatred towards me. It’s completely out of control. I don’t understand anything anymore. I don’t know anything any more. I don’t know anyone anymore. I don’t even know me anymore. I don’t know if I’m a good person or a bad person. I don’t know if he’s a bad person. If I cry I won’t stop. So I can’t go there.

I have cried so many tears because of that man, I could sail through them in a ship. I wish I understood him. I wish he understood me. I just wish things could’ve been different between us. I wish he was still my brother. My big brother. So successful and respected. He seemed like such a nice decent man. I don’t understand anything. I don’t understand why he did what he did. Did I imagine it all? Have I gone insane? Most people seem to think I’m insane. I don’t understand anything anymore. I keep repeating that because it’s true. I really don’t understand anything in this world anymore. I am so scared of the world. Men terrify me to the point just the thought of speaking to one makes my stomach sick. Surely it isn’t normal to feel this way right? Surely there’s got to be a way out? Right? Surely I can find an escape route somehow, someway? If so, then where? How? Where do I go? How do I get there? I’m so lost. I’m lost in the past. I’m lost in the present. My soul is completely lost. My heart is so broken I’m surprised it still beats. My lungs are taking in oxygen but I don’t feel any bit of life in me. All I feel is fear. This overwhelming fear which has taken over every fibre of me. If my brother read this he would laugh. He would find it amusing. He would call me insane. He would find it uplifting. To know how badly he tortured my soul. This man completely despises every part of my essence. I haven’t even got the strength to hate him back. I don’t even have the energy to fight back. He has completely zapped every bit of life out of me. Every bit of happiness away from me. He has lowered me to a wreck so small and pathetic, I would beg of him to stop his torture of slanderous words, vicious lies and attacking of me. But he wouldn’t. He would never stop. As I said… he wants me dead in the ground. One day he will come for me. I’m certain he is waiting for my mother to pass first. Then he will make his move and get me. I know he wants to pay me back for telling my parents and family about what he did to me. And this is where his hatred stems from to me. I betrayed him. I turned it all around on him.

Yet he never understood I didn’t do that to spite him. I did that to protect myself as I knew he was taking advantage of me and it wasn’t my fault what he was doing. He was the grown adult. He was a responsible man who was married with children. I was just a little girl. I was so vulnerable. I was so shy and timid. He really sought the right victim in me. Brother if only the devil hadn’t taken you from me. I pray every night for this to be over with… for your cruelness to end. I don’t know if you think I’m a cruel person. I don’t know if you think I’m a bad person. If you do, I would do anything to make you see that I’m not an evil person. I don’t go around upsetting people. I don’t take any pleasure in hurting and upsetting other human beings. Infact I am very much the opposite. I became a carer because I love helping and looking after others. I always cooked my parents dinner and ran them baths. I would always do my brother’s laundry and cook for the whole family. When it comes to birthdays and Christmases I love spoiling others and shopping for their presents, and lavishing them with expensive gifts. From a very young age, I adapted to being in the caring role. The responsible role. The kind of role where everyone comes to you to be heard, to be listened, to vent their problems to, for a favour and to be cared for. I support children’s charities and one day I want to go to Uni to become a Nurse. I wouldn’t consider myself to be a bad human being. I try my best to help others and I’m careful with my tongue, I’m careful when it comes to criticising others and try my best to only do so if it is constructive and not in any way harmful. Of course I make errors as I am human, I am not perfect and I don’t wish to be. No one is pefect. We are all flawed. We have all hurt and been hurt by other people. And yet you bear all this hatred towards me.

You think I’m a bad nasty person. You may even think I’m a manipulative person. I wish I could see me from your eyes. As there must be a valid reason for your hatred. I don’t believe you are a bad person brother. You are hard working and you have achieved amazing things in your life. You have inspired many people to do better and be better and to get so much more out of their lives, even though they may have started off with very little, much like you did. I don’t think you understood what you did neither brother. I don’t think you thought through any of it at all. I don’t think you thought about the effect it would have on me emotionally and mentally. And the scar it would leave on my soul. And that’s what really hurt me. The not caring. The not giving a fuck. The selfishness in your actions and the ruthlessness. That is what hurts so so much. If you were a stranger I could handle it much better. But you’re my BROTHER. You’re meant to protect me and look out for me! You’re meant to protect me from people like that! You’re not meant to call me a whore and a slut to people- you’re meant to cave in the heads of those who say things like that about your little sister!! You’re my brother and you’re not supposed to do this to me! You’re not supposed to harm me like this. Who is going to protect me in this world? Dad is gone and he can’t save me. At this moment of my life I am more vulnerable than ever. And yet you stomp on me when I’m more fragile than I have ever been. Why?

My mind goes back to them awful memories of you sodomising me in the back of that dirty work van. I screamed in so much pain... you kept telling me shush as people may hear and "may think you are raping me". But you were raping me brother. The pain was so intense, when you went into my back passage without lubrication, I almost passed out... I always get flashbacks of that horrible scene. When you took me to our sister's house, and held my hand as you guided me to her room... and forced yourself inside of me on her bed. I bled so badly because of the force and the trauma you did to my cervix. :( Yet my sister can no longer speak to me... your twin sister! As she can not take or accept what you did to me. I don't understand brother and I love you still so much. And I really wish you had never done them horrible things to me... how you brought my other brother a small car... and had sex with me in the back... I was only 15, I was just a child. Why brother why?????? You pulled me into the toilets of a supermarket and pulled down my jeans and had sex with me... you had sex with me numerous times in the back of your car and your SON'S car! Why??? Just why!!!! :(
Last edited by Serenity on Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to ST, as graphic triggering detail is included

Harbor
Moderator
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Joined: Fri Aug 31, 2018 6:52 am

Re: Dear Diary...

Post by Harbor » Mon Oct 08, 2018 11:10 pm

flowermelt, I hear you. This is a big step. Be kind to yourself today.
"'Safe Harbor' is a state of mind... it's the place - in reality or metaphor - to which one goes in times of trouble or worry. It can be a friendship, marriage, church, garden, beach, poem, prayer, or song." -Luanne Rice

Shirley
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Posts: 613
Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2018 6:52 pm

Re: Dear Diary...

Post by Shirley » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:13 am

Hi flowermelt
Just wanted you to know you are not alone in your pain. I hear you and I understand.
I’m so sorry for all you pain and everything you went through. Hoping it helped you some to write here.

Be kind to yourself. You matter.

Shirley
Last edited by Serenity on Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content included
There is always a silver lining.

flowermelt
Member
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2018 6:38 pm

Re: Dear Diary...

Post by flowermelt » Tue Oct 09, 2018 2:19 pm

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my feelings.
It made me feel better writing and expressing, and being able to vent them to people who understand my situation. I still can't really explain how hard it is for me everyday. I just want all the memories, flashbacks and the pain to disappear completely, to leave me alone forever!
I just want to be happy but all I feel is this empty hole in my heart filled with fear, pain and uncertainty. One minute I feel like i'm going to burst in to tears but the tears never come. I'm constantly in flight or fight and I honestly have no rest for my mind or heart, I'm constantly anxious, paranoid, scared and so frightened. I just want it all to go away, I want to feel safe again but I constantly feel under attack and so unsafe all day every day of my life! :|
Last edited by Harbor on Tue Oct 09, 2018 5:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content included

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