Living Life Long Neurological Disabilities as a Result of Abuse

[CrimsonToad23]

it's difficult to forget or move on with the daily reminders written on my body and mind like haunting shadows without faces trying to speak in sillouettes and silent puppet shows. Each time I see that shaggy orange carpet I'm gripped with TLE seizures Im thrown from my body like a ghost tapping at the dead stare in the eyes to get back in. I don't want to remember, the hurt tummy, lactose intolerant forced to drink her milk everyday even though it made her vomit, it felt like broken glass in her tummy, years later it became a crippling IBS condition curled in bed at 12 diagnosed with an illness I was told they only see in old men, how many times did you beat me with sticks, belts, boots what'd ever you could grab, you would drag me into the bathroom by my long black hair and pour my milk on my head over and over again. If you saw me vomit you would beat me even harder convinced I was vomiting just too spite you! You made up strange imaginary insults and accused me of many crimes I didn't commit. Over and over again you punished me for things I never did. I learned not to cry because it made you happy to see me break . I still have the same nightmares over and over again, a mausoleum of black memories where I confronted my death many times. In a dream I sit I a locked I a castle tower. There is a beaurea with a mirror. You stand behind me brushing my long black hair harder and harder until the wooden brush pounds my scull. A single drop of blood falls over my eye. You take this blood on your finger and you turn to the ominous wall of wounds beside me. The wall reaches up so high I can't see the top. It is filled with tiny finger holes almost like a honey comb. When I look deep into the dark hole there is the porcelain face of a little girl each one's face smeared with blood,thousands upon thousands of faces lie deep in that ancient wall of dark holes each one a wound deep as the bullet flies. You said you gave me this life and you could take it away if I didn't obey you. You said you never wanted me and you tried to beat and starve me out of your belly when you're abortion was denied. I know that's why you always hated me so much. You were only 17. I never hated you, I even tried to die to set you free of me. You didn't know that God spoke to me and showed me what love is... daily migraines...always clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth as if my teeth alone could chew through all the black knots you tied with your goblin fingers and goblin mind.

[Fleur]

Hello CrimsonToad23

Welcome to iSurvive. This is a courageous first post. Thank you for sharing.

My heart goes out to you, both as a child and adult
All children deserve decent parenting
I am very sorry about your experiences as a young girl
You sound beautiful with long black hair, a gorgeous child

Childhood issues tend to either linger or be brought to mind years later
I have both types of memory that are reflected in nightmares
These days, I have a box of items next to my bed to remind me of current situation
Helps to define what is past and what is now

Wishing you very well in all respects - may being here assist your healing journey

[CrimsonToad23]

Thank you for the reply. I like that idea of the box of things to remind you where you are, I always feel like a ghost. I think I will try something like that with a few things I cherish, like the poem a friend wrote me this winter, and the black Stetson...N

[Chiquitta]

Thanks for sharing! It takes courage to make posts on isurvive and wonderful to get positive feedback. Best wishes.

Chiquitta

[Fleur]

Hello CrimsonToad23

Happy to share what's helpful for me

Reading other threads here might also be useful for you
Self soothing, reading discussions, our positive transitions are just a few thoughts

Much caring