Okay

Poetry Corner is for all members who enjoy writing poetry or who use poetry to express their strongest emotions.
Please be advised this area can be triggering, so read cautiously.

Moderator: Jonesy

StillMessed UP
Member
Posts: 51
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:36 pm

Okay

Post by StillMessed UP » Thu Dec 18, 2014 7:40 pm

I wrote this over ten years ago...

I simply grew up with a different set of rules:

The most basic thing is that everyone MUST be okay with you ALWAYS. If they aren't, the world is collapsing and you have to make it right, NO MATTER WHAT.

You DO have the power to make everything okay. All you have to do is ANYTHING that that person wants, whether they ask for it or not.

It is ok to lie, if you need to in order to make everything okay.

You have to keep EVERYTHING that's inside of you from getting out. You can't even sweat. If anyone sees anything from inside you they will know how BAD you are and they won't be okay with you and the world will collapse.

You can't ever talk to Mom about anything that is bad. Not when you have pinworms or periods or boys or anything. "Don't you EVER tell your Mother." If you do she will not be okay with you and that would be the very worst because we love her more than anything and then the world would explode!

Most important, you must leave this piece of you that I AM behind; I will always know what you need. I will make your decisions and tell you what you can and can't feel and I will make everything OKAY for you.

You will bury me deep inside yourself to make sure that I always stay safe so I can keep us safe and I can make everything okay for us.

You must forget me. You will never know me or what I am doing or I will not be able to keep the world from collapsing and you will not be okay.

They must never see me or hear me or know me or the world will collapse and we will never be okay.

MellitaPuella
Member
Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 10:04 pm

Re: Okay

Post by MellitaPuella » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:07 pm

Thank you for sharing. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

StillMessed UP
Member
Posts: 51
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:36 pm

Re: Okay

Post by StillMessed UP » Fri Dec 19, 2014 6:18 pm

Thanks.
I would write it different today,
I was heavy in my addiction at the time and
I had just realized that I really wasn't making conscious choices.
That someone else was driving my bus.
I still have the same things going on...
but I am more aware and I have 6-1/2 years of sobriety.

I would've thought I would be better by now, but it has taken this long to be ready to face the next level and peel more layers of the onion.

I hope you are finding peace and acceptance today.

recover
Member
Posts: 16157
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: Okay

Post by recover » Wed Dec 24, 2014 7:54 am

hi stillmessed Up,
omg omg i could have written that. it is so eerie really because i actually could have written that. i am really struggling right now and that is so true. omg.
i am impressed with your sobriety. i can relate in that i haven't been bulimic in many many years maybe 28, no purging or laxatives or enemas or anything. and haven't SH or SSH in a year and nine months. and really feel i should be much much further along in recovery/healing. hard so hard.
thanks for such wise words.
warmly,
recover

StillMessed UP
Member
Posts: 51
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:36 pm

Re: Okay

Post by StillMessed UP » Thu Dec 25, 2014 1:37 am

Wow, Thanks, Recover...

It is comforting in a very sad way to have someone relate to such twisted reality. I so thought I was all alone in that twisted up place. I feel like my reality wasn't just upside down, it was inside out and backwards, too. It reminds me of that impossible stairway that goes no where, by M. C. Escher.

Bravo on your recovery/ healing! That is huge! I haven't been a SHer, but i have put myself in positions to be hurt in almost every relationship. And the drug addiction was hugely self-destructive, so I can relate. I also have food issues that are barely under control. I eat for comfort and am just trying to make what i put in my mouth a little healthier. With all the Holidays treats these days, it is hard to do!

I guess I could be a little more compassionate with myself, and be grateful for the recovery and healing that i have and quit beating myself up for all the wasted time. I couldn't possibly get to where I am now without going through exactly what I have gone through.

It is so hard to undo those core beliefs that were figured out by such an innocent child brain that was trying to make sense out of the senseless.

Take care, recover, and thank you for connecting.

MellitaPuella
Member
Posts: 34
Joined: Tue Sep 10, 2013 10:04 pm

Re: Okay

Post by MellitaPuella » Thu Jan 08, 2015 9:27 pm

I too have issues with addictions. They've run the gamut from substances to SH to food issues to SSH, etc. I also had an epiphany, recently, where I've realized that my actions have been based on obsolete protective mechanisms. That doesn't mean that I still don't revert back to that mode of existing...it can be so frustrating. I used to not even know I was being triggered. Just react react react. Hide everything, numb everything, deny everything. It can't hurt me if I don't acknowledge its existence...

ugh. but I know better. I just can't always prevent it right now. hopefully someday.

StillMessed UP
Member
Posts: 51
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:36 pm

Re: Okay

Post by StillMessed UP » Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:55 am

Hi MP,

I haven't used drugs or alcohol for over 6-1/2 years, but I have sure used food, relationships, shopping and even 12 step meetings to try to make me feel okay. It is better, but it seems there is the very core that I still can't reach that's still dark and scared. I hope you are feeling better.

recover
Member
Posts: 16157
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: Okay

Post by recover » Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:18 pm

hi stillmessedup,
just read this again. omg it is ME. i may read it to my T is that ok?
bad it is so hard and so bad inside.
love,
recover

StillMessed UP
Member
Posts: 51
Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:36 pm

Re: Okay

Post by StillMessed UP » Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:05 pm

OMG, recover... I am happy to share... Thank you.
Love

recover
Member
Posts: 16157
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 12:50 pm

Re: Okay

Post by recover » Thu Jan 22, 2015 11:56 pm

thank you stillmessedup. i am going to bring to T tomorrow. it is really weird because i think you described what TheMan part is for me.
thank you stillmessedup i hope you are ok.
love,
recover

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest