just how easy it COULD be..

[misc]

holding on, holding back.
tears building, but no release..
fear rising, thoughts racing..
confusing emotion, thoughts racing,
heart heavy, mind blurred..
wanting help, someone to take over..
to be safe, not scared..
but the walls get higher..
pushing everyone away..
control, keep control..
trying to keep going..
trying to keep living..
but its all slipping away..

push them all away..
try to hate them, so not to care..
should be strong..
but no, its easier to just give up..
stop fighting..
no more, stop my head..
just forget, forget it all..

don't eat, feel the pain..
feel empty, real hurt..
throw up, get it all out..
sick get the bad out..
cut, see the evil..
get clean, blood running..
hurt keep hurting..
I want know more..
just no more..

[wings]

(((((((((misc))))))))))))

[tommy]

misc,

Thank you for your courage in sharing these powerful expressions of the intensity of your pain and struggle. I am sorry that relief is so difficult to find and I hope you are finding safe ways to get through.

I will continue to read and listen-- sending much support and care.

[misc]

((wings, tommy))

I am still in this really dark, horrible but familiar place.
pushing 3d people away..
no contact with work, avoiding gp.
ignoring everyone, making excuses to friends and family,
wanting to hide away,
being alone is easy.
pathetic suicidal thoughts.
I will not do this, but It feels an easy solution.

superficial sh. bit of release,
falling backwards, nothing to hold onto.
the hard bit is knowing this is happening.
what I am allowing to happen.
no strength to pull it all back,
to just walk and keep walking.
getting away, to have no demands..

every year, emotions, up an down,
to the point of relapse.
is this it forever. what more can I do.
will emdr or what ever help.
can more talking heal.
do I really have to disclose the worst of it,
reveal the dark in me, in what really happened.
or should I just leave it all now.
accept that this is it.
feeling so damaged..

[Fleur]

Dear (((Misc)))
Here with you. Fleur

[misc]

((((fleur))))
much appreciated..
with u too hon..

[Fleur]

Good morning (((Misc)))

May today be brighter in all respects for you. Much caring, Fleur

[wings]

(((((((((Misc)))))))))

Sitting with you with bucketloads of gentle quiet support. It's natural to want to hide away from the world when it all hurts too much, to want to push people away... it is ok to reach out if you need.

Here and caring,
Wings

[misc]

thanku ((fleur, wings))

it feels good to know u r there..thanku..

[Fleur]

Greetings (((Misc)))

My washing is dripping on line as we have had almost non-stop rain for two days
I thought of how you said your kitchen was flooded when washing machine malfunctioned
Could see my laundry becoming very wet if I brought in the line full
Just hoping we do not have serious flooding ...

It was a glorious warm sunny day Monday, so I am holding onto that memory

May you find clarity

Much caring (((Misc)))