Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

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deepwest
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Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:49 am

Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by deepwest » Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:59 am

Hi i am new here and wanting help or any advice.
Here goes.
I met a girl about 5 years ago and we became very good friends,had so many things in common.Over the years of our friendship,things never seemed right.She lives at home with very religious parents and was constantly talking about her dad...Dad this,dad that etc.
I found out she suffers from a severe autoimmune disease and has had part of her bowel removed and at a young age was heavily into cutting.
She has ptsd,low self esteem,anxiety,depression and panic attacks.
Shes so weak and frail but such a loving caring amazing young woman.Like really really nice,mellow,Just a beautiful spirit and a joy to be close to...
We had holidays together,spent so much time texting and messaging each other..
She was my everything,friend,sister,mother..And i was everything to her,we loved each other and there was never anything sexual between us.
Although the boundaries got blurry at times,i respected the stories she told me about wanting to stay pure until she got married...

Over the years i saw things that werent quite right however she always explained them away.
Weird bruises,she told me she had never had sex however she told me about a time when she was getting a pap smear and somehow got 12 stitches inside herself...That was a severe red flag.
Last year we went away on a holiday and her dad texted her everyday at 3pm telling her to take her pill which alarmed me!
Again,explained away
She also suffera from dissasociation as i have learnt
.Anyway after we came back from holiday everything changed,i was totally cut off,its like she vanished.So i went to the house one morning where she lived and saw her dad coming out of the bedroom before i knocked on the door.Hes supposedly a fine upstanding member of the community etc etc.
I knocked and went inside and seemed to catch them all in such a compromising situation but he didnt seem to care.
I went into her bedroom and the room smelt of sex and she just freaked out.
She basically leapt out of bed and attacked me,ive never seem her mildly angry yet that morning she was a banshee.
Mum was almost on lookout.
She nearly had a heart attack...I left quietly with no drama but i was so screwed up,it was as if i was meant to see that weird situation.
That was december last year and im still reeling and trying to understand her situation.Ive even had counselling from that exposure.
Im a decent guy ,im caring and protective of all women and love my mother and sister however i have been studying Csa for 9 months solid
What i have learnt about incest horrifies me but i think thats whats happening and i think shes in an adult sexual relationship with her father,even now.
Ok so i just care so much about this amazing young lady and dont know what to do at all.We see each other at the local gym and she wont talk to me or even look at me and im devestated.She has no one in her life at all,no friends,no job,nothing at all.She is 27 and i "think" shes in a very severe controlling scary situation...But i cant prove that.
I care about her so much that even after 9 months,i think about her everyday,i just dont know what to do.She looks so sad when i see her now and its heartbreaking.
Ive been to a few womens refuge place and talked at length about her and all they have said is wait,dont antagonise the situation.
Gutted ....All i want to do is charge in there on a white horse and gallop away with her and help[ her recover and get a life she deserves and set her free.
I am thinking of writing a letter to her and telling her there is hope etc however her dad seems to have turned me into the devil incarnate.
Once again i will say the family is so religious ..Please dont think for a minute im anti religion,i just know religion can be used as a weapon to control people so easily.
Ive kept a diary this year and written down everything i remember and all ive seen etc.
I could type all night about this and probably will lay down more info but what i am asking you all now is this;
Help me understand the situation
Am i going mad lolol
What should i do?
How should i do it(if anything)
Is she in an incestuous relationship.
And please be brutally honest,i am prepared to hear anything you have to say!
I will say again,this amazing angel is just so special,she will never leave my heart and i am prepared to wait for the rest of my life to help her.
Phew ,What i have written is so fucking real ...
Love to all of you too...xx
Last edited by Harbor on Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

deepwest
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Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by deepwest » Thu Sep 06, 2018 12:07 pm

Its right on midnight when i sent that....12.00am,another sign.
Im really looking forward to any replies and i love this place.
I have read some horiffic and brutal posts hers and its all helping me understand...
What i would like to say is how many victims are created when shit like abuse is happening.
The girl im talking about in the last post has been isolated from so many loved ones,im supported my strong friends( some who have no clue but still mean well) and others who "know"
But its not about me,its about her,how to help her..
I just must help her somehow
Last edited by Ashia on Thu Sep 06, 2018 9:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed NT to MT for use of profanity

the husband
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Posts: 460
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by the husband » Thu Sep 06, 2018 4:05 pm

Hi deepwest

You have come to the right place. I did read your posts and I do want to respond at length, but I can't do so at the moment for lack of time. I'm writing now to let you know that you have been heard and understood. I will write back more in a few hours at most.

(later)

To begin with, know that I am the husband of a survivor of CSA and SA. I have come to realize that most if not all those I dated (or tried to date) before marriage had an abuse history. I've been riding my white horse for a very long time, so I recognize what you are going through.

-This lady was an adult when you met her and is an adult now.
-She has not disclosed CSA to you, though you have good reason to suspect something has happened to her.
-Your use of "holiday" suggests you are in Europe. Incest between consenting adults may be a crime in your area.
-She has not reported incest to you, nor do you have strong evidence.
-You have noted some potential signs of physical abuse and controlling behavior.
-She has been avoiding contact with you for 9 months.

This is all pretty muddled. Her childhood medical history could result in PTSD, and could also have something to do with her father's behavior regarding medication and such. Even if the medication is birth control, there are other medical reasons to stay on top of them. Medical frailty could also explain the bruises. There's quite a lot of room for doubt, and I suspect she would not cooperate in further inquiry at this point in time. If you were within her circle of trust you might continue to monitor and offer support. However, you are far outside the zone of trust and have been for 9 months. In my experience, more effort will not improve the situation - and is likely to drive her to flee the gym and other potential contact. Honestly, I have done something like this. Not only was it not helpful, I realize now that it was demeaning to me.

You say this is not about you, but I am concerned about your self-care. You have been very moved by this and have done a lot of work despite no contact for 9 months. You have thought about it, gone to counseling, studied CSA, and now you are here reading and asking questions. This reminds me of me, an adult child of an alcoholic and physical abuser. I would pursue people because I did not pick up on all the warning signs that they were not a good match, didn't notice the lack of emotional connection, and secretly believe(d?) that nobody would have me. If I found my marriage dissolved tomorrow, I would RUN back to therapy and work out these issues before attempting another relationship.

Perhaps my experience will be familiar to you?
Last edited by the husband on Thu Sep 06, 2018 10:30 pm, edited 3 times in total.

deepwest
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Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by deepwest » Thu Sep 06, 2018 8:54 pm

Thank you so much for the feedback.
No I’m not in Europe but incest is a crime in my area.
Yes you are right about having no contact with her, however she is allowed to the gym by her father and that is the only thing she does.
She’s being so controlled that I believe even though she wants to talk to me, she’s softightened to.
She was an adult when I met her and still is, however she dresses like a little girl.
Her father has a bizarre relationship with her, he’s actually in his 70s.
Once we were out at a beach and he picked her up and started slapping her butt in public.
She’s so attentive to his needs it’s too weird.
Buys him clothes, pays for all his medical stuff.
He’s also taken over all her social media and has a tracker in the car .
I appreciate what you are saying, I have attracted broken women in the past and my Mum says I’m always looking to “ save” women in particular.
It’s very very sad however with this situation, we were such close friends and it all stopped overnight.
She cake to my house a few times and was devestated but couldn’t say a word to me about what was happening.
I will see her today and as usual it will be so painful.
You are right, I can’t prove anything but I have strong feelings.
There is something in me I can’t let go with this young woman, I feel so guilty for not seeing signs, falling off her radar and from other things she said to me.
She once said, let’s never comeback from a holiday we had and all the way back, heranziety went through the roof.
She’s very afraid of her parents yet at 27 , is like a deer frozen in the headlights.
I feel like I failed her for not understanding her situation and you are right, it’s knowing away inside me like a cancer.
I will look forward to hearing from you later, I really will.
What you have already said is amazing and I feel you!
I know that you’ve been in the same situation , I just read the truth from you and although it hurts to read some of your words, that’s perfectly ok.

A good friend who knows the situation very well from a terrible personal experience with his daughter says she’s a victim of csa and another friend who is a counselor said she’s been abused in her teens !
That person just rang me out of the blue to tell me that, long before she stopped all contact with me.
Look at me, I can’t let it go can I?
I have to go too but thank you for messaging me,I’m deeply grateful.
Looking forward to your reply later.
Last edited by deepwest on Fri Sep 07, 2018 4:58 am, edited 2 times in total.

deepwest
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Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by deepwest » Thu Sep 06, 2018 9:03 pm

I’m laughing to myself, are we all damaged in some way from our parents, and them from their parents lol.
Dysfunction exists in all families to some degree however what I’ve read in some forums here is beyond my comprehension ....
I’ve been deeply moved by some survivors stories.

the husband
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Posts: 460
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by the husband » Thu Sep 06, 2018 9:45 pm

Hi deepwest

In the US, it is estimated that 1:4 women will be sexually abused at some point in their lifetime. It happens everywhere, at every socio-economic level, every culture, every belief structure, every education level. The impact is devastating.
She’s being so controlled that I believe even though she wants to talk to me, she’s softightened to.
Are you certain she wants to speak with you? Could she not communicate with you at the gym in some way not detectable by her parents, if she wanted to? Do you think you have adequately communicated your willingness to reconnect already?

I agree with you that her relationship with her father sounds inappropriate. At the very least she has been infantalized. I don't see a scenario where actively pursuing her will be of benefit to either of you.

But what about you? We can't be of much help to others if we aren't taking care of ourselves. I'm guessing from the amount of bandwidth you are spending on this situation that you do not have a close relationship going on right now. Do you have frequent contact with good friends? What are you doing for yourself that is good for you?

You used a phrase on the 11th line, beginning with "I feel what you are saying" that you might want to reconsider and edit.

deepwest
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Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by deepwest » Fri Sep 07, 2018 5:10 am

Hi there, thanks for taking the time to post.
Well said about the amount of time I have spent on her...
I think with what happened last year and with everything I’ve had to reflect on I’m probably still angry about the situation.
I’m a strong person and I struggle to understand how weak she is /was.
Just knowing that she’s stuck in a trap is painful.
Me?
I have some great friendships and great family however they all knew her and are also hurt by the situation.
She was a great friend.
I think some of my anger is from the way I was dropped like a piece of garbage and wiped .
However I’ve seen her fear of her father and she just seemed so lost and resigned to her fate.
The father told me he doesn’t really care about her and didn’t even acknowledge all her cutting.
Her room at home is threadbare, no carpet, no heating and she’s constantly broke.
Yes here where I live in nz, 20% of girls under 18 are sexually abused and 1.4% of abusers are punished.
It’s abysmal statistics.
Infantilised - that’s a perfect observation of her situation.!!

deepwest
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Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by deepwest » Fri Sep 07, 2018 5:33 am

Sadly you are suggesting I let her go,
And move forward ?
So very sad .
I’ve never thought about doing that up to this very moment in time.
I am absorbing everything you’ve said and it ring true.
At this stage there is nothing I can do is there?

the husband
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Posts: 460
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by the husband » Fri Sep 07, 2018 6:56 am

Hi deepwest

I try to be careful not to suggest a course of action, even though you asked for advice. I generally try to help people clarify their own situation and come to their own conclusions. Often they already know what the correct path is - but it's a hard one.
And please be brutally honest,i am prepared to hear anything you have to say!
What were you braced for, if not this?

While I do think that pursuing someone who is actively avoidant will likely result in driving them further away, consider that "moving forward" may provide the space and quiet for other possibilities in the future.

deepwest
Member
Posts: 14
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Help for my dear friend,newbie posting

Post by deepwest » Fri Sep 07, 2018 12:02 pm

I do agree with what you have said too.
Another professional also said, she’s used to her situation no matter how distasteful I might find it.
Let it be.
And life can be strange, when you give up on something or someone, and walk away...the opposite can happen.

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