Husband/bisexuality/sexual abuse

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Sroberts
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Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2018 8:10 pm

Husband/bisexuality/sexual abuse

Post by Sroberts » Mon Aug 20, 2018 1:47 am

Hello all

I am here to ask for some input. I know every persons struggle with sexual abuse is different but any thoughts are appreciated.

My husband and I have been happily married for 9 years. We have 3 great kids. He is bisexual which I have known from day one. We met at 14 and have been best friends for 20 years. I have always known about his history of sexual abuse from multiple sources including his biological father. Recently after starting therapy he has had what i have called a crisis. Basically his trauma has re surfaced and he is now for the first time feeling all the grief and anger and sadness. Part of what has come up is that he is realizing how much of his life now is a product of his abuse. He has begun questioning if the reason he never actively dated men and ended up with me is a result of the abuse in that his emotions have always been muted and maybe he doesnt know what love is? Maybe thats why hes only ever been attracted to one woman (me). He believe he loves me and says none of his feelings have changed but is spiraling and questioning literally every intimate relationship and choice hes ever made. Id love to know if anyone has experienced anything like this? He does not want to seperate as he fundamentally believes that he will work it all out and still very much want to remain with me. Its all very confusing. Thanks!
Last edited by Ashia on Mon Aug 20, 2018 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content included

the husband
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: Husband/bisexuality/sexual abuse

Post by the husband » Mon Aug 20, 2018 8:55 am

Hi Sroberts

I used to work with adolescents in a therapeutic setting and have had similar, if less eloquent, discussions with teen males. One in particular told me he was bisexual, but wasn't into guys that much. I asked him why he identified as being bisexual so strongly if he wasn't so interested in guys, and he essentially said that he had sometimes been aroused during abuse by a male family member, so that made him bisexual even if he only wanted to be with girls.

Early therapy can be quite tumultuous, which is why it's important to communicate well with a good therapist and to have frequent contact. I liken it to opening a box if photos: you have to take them all out and sort them before you can organise them into a cohesive set.
Last edited by Jonesy on Wed Aug 22, 2018 6:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content

Sroberts
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Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2018 8:10 pm

Re: Husband/bisexuality/sexual abuse

Post by Sroberts » Wed Aug 22, 2018 7:11 pm

Thats the hardest part for me.....the limbo. He told me that his concern is that I am the first person to ever love him selflessly....to not use him....to treat him well....and he is worried that he latched onto that and our incredibly bonded friendship and thought it was love. He is basing this on my telling him he can be emotionally distant at times and his worry that maybe this is why.
Last edited by Ashia on Wed Aug 22, 2018 8:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content included

the husband
Member
Posts: 460
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: Husband/bisexuality/sexual abuse

Post by the husband » Mon Aug 27, 2018 5:12 am

He's on the first steps of his journey, as are you. As he learns more he is naturally attempting to make connections and find explanations. Not all of them will be correct and may be left behind. Often, the true explanation is simplest: you love each other.

I found it very helpful to embark on therapy with my own therapist. Part of it was to get support, but I ended up learning why I was in the relationship and understanding my own wants and needs.

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