isurvive.org

I found myself here looking for a place to learn more about why my BF may be behaving the way he has been all these years and perhaps come to terms with the possibility that this time he has gone.

We've been in a realtionship for a number of years, the first 3/4 were amazing, long distance but amazing, real soulmate stuff. He told me everything about his CSA and his ongoing abuse he experienced from his family.
We became so so close and could talk for literally days it seemed. Then 5 years ago some issues in his business went wrong, we also got to a place in our relationship where we both felt it was serious and long term. I believe he felt love for real for the first time. Then that's when he went awol, and this pattern has repeated for 5 years, each time I'd believe he'd gone, he'd be back, and each time after something really horrific abuse wise or attempted suicide , one time. When he came back these times, I never gave up hope and kept in touch messaging so he knew I was there. Then last year he came back and it was like magic, like we'd never been closer but it was following another serious trauma, this one seemed to be the worse yet and it ment he was now in therapy properly...he had engaged in therapy after he tried to take his life but this time, I think he's been in the process all year. I have no way of telling fo sure, I just have what he shared with me late last spring.
I'm certain he is really really struggling again, I'm a therapist actually, something I've trained to do over the past 6 years so I know the signs and the healing process is a long long journey.
Thing is, I love this man so so much and I miss him, all of him, but what if this time he's moved on and I'm simply stuck in my own bargining or denial stage?
Thank you for reading this, its so liberating to write this, I couldn't on the other forum
btw I wasn't sure about the trigger level so gone with red to be on the safe side, please let me know if it needs adjusting?

Hi Healinghope

I am glad you feel comfy in writing here and hope you get the support you need. You ask a very good question...

Healinghope wrote:... but what if this time he's moved on and I'm simply stuck in my own bargining or denial stage?

I guess I would hope that if he has indeed moved on that he could find a way to be honest with you, especially considering your history together. I hear how much you love him but do wonder just how much more of this anyone could realistically take. It sounds like you have been in a kind of yo-yo, 'on/off' relationship for some time now. That can't be easy on either of you. Following his returns, do you talk about where he has been and what's been going on during that time?

Hello HealingHope

Thank you for sharing your relationship story

As you're a trained therapist (T), I guess you're also aware of the person who enables, facilitates, behaviour? Just wondering if something like that is going on to let him feel safe in being with you or disappearing?

You sound an amazing person
IMO, he's very fortunate to have you on side

Hopefully, he'll soon contact you

Meanwhile, I trust you are enjoying life

Cheers

Hi Jonesy/ fleur ( just seen your reply as I was previewing mine)
Thank you for your insightful reply. Yes, you'd think that he'd tell me it was over & yes, I'm at the point where I can't take the heart ache much more.
Thing is we've talked each time about where he's been & why he goes awol & each time he tells me about an enormous traumatic event, such as his perpetrators abuse ending with him in hospital, or him trying to take his life. He tells me he's not good enough for me & that I need to move on because he can't give me what I want. But then we talk & he can't hold back and says he's selfish because he can't let go either. I'm paraphrasing every return conversation, but it gives you the general idea. He feels he can't leave his situation to be with me but loves me and can't give up how we are together. He's told me how he can't talk to anyone like me etc. He says he stays away to protect me. I can see we're codependant and if he does return we need to really talk out the whole awol thing properly but last time because he was deep in therapy and I think he still is, he was getting triggered all the time by our relationship conversations and that's why he's gone away again I think. My gut tells me he doesn't want to end it but wants me to like to prove to him he's an asshole, as he thinks he is. I won't because he's not, he's being massively affected by the therapy and I feel he can't handle us.

Fleur, I have my own abandonment issues which I've worked on massively and I'm feeling it's my fault I triggered him last time because I hadn't made this discovery then. Basically I expect him to go so get impossible & needy so yep he gets triggered and guess what, goes.
It's a loop I'm desperate to talk through and work through with him but he's ignoring me. I'm powerless. And heartbroken ... Again.
My conflict is I can't abandon him because my heart won't let me when every bone in my body is telling me he's been there lurking, reading messages wanting to reconnect but won't. I wasn't a T when we met btw so our old patterns were pre my own understanding of my own triggers he evokes in me. I'm now desperate to remedie and work through it with him. We've always said we were us first before my training he actually hates it if I get all T says I go cold. Anyway yes I do realise I have been both enabler of safety & trigger too. Thank you for seeing that fleur, it really helps to have your perspective.
Thank you for asking, it's so good to write my thoughts even if they're in total conflict with themselves!
I love him and have realised we can't be together I've messaged this to him countless times but I will always listen and be alongside him. We were friends first and I know in my heart how much he's hurting & is so lost.

Wow, HealingHope

Such insight

Are you working with your own T, to explore/ideally resolve some of your concerns?

Maybe friendship is what could be sought with his behaviour?
Just thinking aloud here, not trying to second guess
I'm aware that I used to end relationships before the other decided to move on
If only someone had been as good a friend as you are to him,but that's my stuff

Get how difficult these disappearances are for you
I'd be very concerned as well in your shoes

May you enjoy something relaxing, sweet dreams and a lovely tomorrow

Much caring

Fleur wrote: I'm aware that I used to end relationships before the other decided to move on

This is something another survior has said to me as well, that pushing me away so to speak is actually to take control of his percieved belief that I'll go anyway, like he has to be in control of any emotional pain?

The annoying thing is I've told him 100 times I won't end it, certainly not entrely, as you say a friendship is fine with me, Ive come to terms with that.

Oh, yes I'm working on my own stuff too I'm using alot of spirituality and meditation as part of my own therapy journey. I've realised my triggers and my 'stuff' if that makes sense and being able to name it, not get drawn in it gives our power back. I meditate to let those inner child issues rise up and heal ( my abandonment issues were as a child)

It's so freeing to be able to process this all here. I'm seeing after these few posts that, I just need to surrender to his own free will, and be patient. I'm trying to control what I can't...see the abandonment stuff still biting me on the bum!
It doesn't matter if your a T or not or how much therapy we have in my opinion we're all human, and we're on a path of learning, that's what being human is. Thank you for giving me the space here to voice my thoughts, and your sensitive insight too.

Hello HealingHope

Nope,we can only control self,no matter how much we'd like to get the other person to do something sensible -- has to be their ideas, on their terms and in their timing (if ever)

Smile, I've met plenty of Ts who either became a T due to their own issues or those of someone close
We're all human, as you say

Cheers

thanks again, Fleur. Hope you have a nice night.

Hi Healinghope

I'm glad to see other loved ones here, though I am sorry you are here at the same time.

Fleur asked you if you are working with your own T, to explore/ideally resolve some of your concerns. I had the same question as I am also a psychiatric health professional up to my ears in my survivor's issues as well as my own. In my area it is quite common for us to seek "supervision" from our own therapist - in fact it is expected. If you are not doing so, I respectfully submit that it's a missed opportunity. I, for one, benefit from someone else to keep me honest in my thinking. I sometimes realize on the drive to my therapist that I've not thought about what I will talk about, and I hate to ramble. I end up talking it through on my way in (thank goodness for the prevalence of hands-free cell phones so I don't look too nutty) and have caught myself in the act of foisting utter BS. Then I own up to my therapist and work on it.

Hi Healinghope,

I am impossible too when badly triggered. I have gone awol. I need to flee and hide.

Still to this day when I'm very badly triggered I tell my partner he is better off with someone else. That I don't deserve him. I push him away

Its a tough call. Because I did this in other relationships and eventually they did leave. But my current partner, now of thirteen years, never left me. It was his ability to sit with me through all that pain and be there on the other side that has allowed me to heal and feel some kind of safety for the first time in my life. I don't know what it is we have, but it's truly magical. True, deep connected love. So much humor and intimacy. So many great times together. He has a solidness in him that I realized he got from the unconditional warm, true love of his mum. Which is also rare and very precious.

I think as women we are always told that we need a man or partner to be complete. That there's something deficient in us if this isn't the case. But the truth is life can be pretty fulfilling, joyous sand complete without, how do I say this? having to 'keep' a man. In fact not keeping a man might be the key to happiness in hetero/gay relationships, setting each other free everyday, promising to love ourselves always, cherishing the moment, the choice we keep making. I think I have learned that relationships come in all shapes and sizes. That the connections we have are precious because there is genuine connection. I know there are abusive relationships. And its very important be honest with yourself about your needs, you deserve and need to be nourished. But I don't think your relationship needs to be conventional to be loving, true and nurturing.

You can't save your partner. He has to save himself. If he can't then it is that the pain has won. And another victim has been claimed by child sexual abuse. You never lose though, because every thing you ever had together, never goes away. Its with you forever and is there whenever you need it. Letting go is hard because we have to admit we are powerless. All we can do is focus on is what we do have power over.

Has he returned?

Love,
EH