His Story

[Cinder]

My husband and I have been together for about 5 years. He is the most important person in my life and I have never loved or been loved by someone as much as him. My husband had a very traumatic childhood, the full scope of which I am sure I'm not entirely aware of. He opens up occasionally about things that happened to him, and it's been more and more lately, which I think is good. It breaks my heart that he was made to endure all this pain and suffering.

His mother abused him mentally and physically basically from the time he was born until the time he left the house. From his descriptions of her behavior, I believe she is mentally ill. His father was present but seemed only to enable his mother's actions and never intervened. My husband is now estranged from both his parents and his older sister, who it seems did not experience the same abuse he did.

My husband did not speak until he was in grade school. He attended a special elementary school for a time because it was believed he was deaf. It seems obvious that his muteness was due to the abuse. He's told me that he wasn't fed with the rest of the family, so he would have to prepare his own food from a very young age. Once when he was 7 or 8 years old, he was riding with his mother in the car and she was angry at him. They were driving on a bridge over a river. She told him she was going to kill them both by driving them into the river. She then swerved the car toward the edge of the bridge. When my husband was in high school, he endured periods of homelessness in order to get away from his parents. He has described sleeping on his text books in abandoned vehicles on the streets. That is a sampling of some of the things he's told me.

Not surprisingly, my husband has anger problems. Recently, he suddenly packed up our entire house for no reason because he said we were going to move. He broke several things that I thought were important to him. It was a very stressful and upsetting event for me, even though he eventually unpacked everything and things somewhat returned to normal. He does not seem to want to seek counseling to work through his past. I'm sure it seems insurmountable to him. I have been in counseling on and off through my life for my own depression and anxiety, but I don't feel I can afford it currently. It has helped me in the past to write about things to help deal with them, so here I am. Thanks for reading.

[Cinder]

I am feeling very inadequate and isolated tonight. We were out shopping tonight and I think he lost his patience with me because he suddenly got quiet and wanted to leave. When we got home, he got out of the car and started walking around the neighborhood and then shut himself in our room. He accused me of hiding a hat from him. I understand that none of us are perfect, but it's just really hard for me when we were having a good, normal day, and then suddenly all this anger and animosity for no apparent reason. I know I can't fix his problems and I can't be everything he needs. The roller coaster ride is hard.

[recover]

Hi Cinder,
oh my of course you can't be everything he needs. my ex-H, who is a good man, suffered from severe ongoing depression and i tried for years to save him. i do understand.
i think it would be very good if you can encourage him to seek counseling.
here with support,
recover

[Fleur]

Hello Cinder


Perhaps you could discuss specifics with your husband when he is in a quiet moment
Share your concerns
Whilst we cannot change anyone, apart from self, we can encourage openness by listening without judgment
Or suggest strategies to help in healthy ways

Wishing you both well in all respects