My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

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optimisticha
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Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 1:45 pm

My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by optimisticha »

Hello

It is about 9 months that I am dating this girl. She is a CSA survivor. We have a very good relationship and we love each other. But I am not sure that marriage would be a good option for us, especially for her. As you may guess she is involved in anxieties, stresses, fears, ... . She is also diagnosed as a character close to Borderline Personality Disorder.
However, I reckon that she has got a very strong and mature personality. She has fought for her life and those scars on her body are the signs. And I care for her.
Anyways, apart from sentimentality, I want to get real data from people that have had the experience living with a survivor.
What is your successful or unsuccessful experience. How possible is it to have a healthy and happy marriage for the rest of life.

Many Thanks
GrowingTree
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Joined: Wed Jun 05, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by GrowingTree »

Hi there. I am a survivor and am not on the other side. But I am very well in touch with myself and I completely believe that I can and will have a healthy relationship and marriage when that will be.
I think there will be a hard time (in my marriage) with intimacy that will cause stress but I don't believe that it will overall make the marriage unhealthy.
Last edited by Jonesy on Thu Jul 02, 2015 7:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT
GrowingTree
the husband
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by the husband »

Hi optimischa

Mine may not be a popular opinion, but you did ask in the Loved Ones forum, so I feel I have a bit of leeway here:

I would not consider Borderline Personality Disorder to be a "mature" personality, though I would not judge it as harshly as some others might. It is a functional response to trauma, a manner of survival, but not often pleasant for anyone.

My experience so far, over about 23 years together, is that healthy and happy are not permanent states. Sometimes the status quo is disrupted by progress, sometimes by stress, sometimes by recovered memories, sometimes by past abusers intruding, triggers, hormonal changes, old messages reinforced, and so on. My wife's abuse was pervasive, ongoing, and severe - so your experience may vary from ours. We have had soaring highs, crushing lows, and a lot of time in sort of a purgatory.

All this to say that there is meaning in our relationship. There is redemption and reward, but I can't tell you that there is a consistent happily ever after. There is work, improvement, loss, recovery, and perhaps more improvement. Often, as now, there's no change and my needs are not met.

More importantly, after 9 months, why are you contemplating marriage? What are your needs, and can they be definitely be fulfilled by this relationship? Certainly the need to be needed (a strong need for me) is important, but so are the needs to be nurtured, sexually gratified, to have an equal partner, and to pursue your own interests.

I'm happy to converse more on the subject as you wish.
GrowingTree
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Joined: Wed Jun 05, 2013 3:05 pm

Re: My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by GrowingTree »

reading this thread and the recent answer makes me a bit nervous

[quote="the husband"]Certainly the need to be needed (a strong need for me) is important, but so are the needs to be nurtured, sexually gratified, to have an equal partner, and to pursue your own interests. [/quote]

I ampretty sure I wont be able to have have sex whenever he'd want. I am sure that would cause stress, and needs not met...but would it be that bad...

im concerened
GrowingTree
optimisticha
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Joined: Mon May 11, 2015 1:45 pm

Re: My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by optimisticha »

Thanks so much for your reply.
You are right. maybe it is not the time to go for marriage but I guess it is common that when you are in a serious relationship you think about the person as your wife/husband. But I like your comment about needs. Maybe in this case I am considering her and her needs much more than mine. Those examples of needs that you mentioned sound to be fulfilled by her as I've known her so far. But as you say I am not sure that the status is going to be consistent in the future. I actually need to know the possibility whether she will face more severe problems in the future or she can get better and better and age is not a determinative subject.
the husband wrote:Hi optimischa

Mine may not be a popular opinion, but you did ask in the Loved Ones forum, so I feel I have a bit of leeway here:

I would not consider Borderline Personality Disorder to be a "mature" personality, though I would not judge it as harshly as some others might. It is a functional response to trauma, a manner of survival, but not often pleasant for anyone.

My experience so far, over about 23 years together, is that healthy and happy are not permanent states. Sometimes the status quo is disrupted by progress, sometimes by stress, sometimes by recovered memories, sometimes by past abusers intruding, triggers, hormonal changes, old messages reinforced, and so on. My wife's abuse was pervasive, ongoing, and severe - so your experience may vary from ours. We have had soaring highs, crushing lows, and a lot of time in sort of a purgatory.

All this to say that there is meaning in our relationship. There is redemption and reward, but I can't tell you that there is a consistent happily ever after. There is work, improvement, loss, recovery, and perhaps more improvement. Often, as now, there's no change and my needs are not met.

More importantly, after 9 months, why are you contemplating marriage? What are your needs, and can they be definitely be fulfilled by this relationship? Certainly the need to be needed (a strong need for me) is important, but so are the needs to be nurtured, sexually gratified, to have an equal partner, and to pursue your own interests.

I'm happy to converse more on the subject as you wish.
the husband
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Posts: 529
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by the husband »

optimisticha said:
I actually need to know the possibility whether she will face more severe problems in the future or she can get better and better and age is not a determinative subject.
There are no absolutes or guarantees here. She likely has no answer for you or herself on that matter. All you have to go on is what you have observed and what she tells you. I believe everyone has the potential to get better, but there is work and the question of "Is it worth it?". That's not a question of your worth to her, but of her own worth to herself. The work is daunting, and you can't ask or expect her to do it for you - she has to do it for herself. As for you, if you choose to stick around you have to give without expectation or entitlement, and be honest with yourself if you are giving more than you can spare. I have failed myself on that one, but am starting to think of myself more. My kids are young, so they still come first.

GrowingTree said:
I am pretty sure I wont be able to have have sex whenever he'd want. I am sure that would cause stress, and needs not met...but would it it be that bad...

I'm concerned
I'm sorry to have concerned you. I wasn't just talking about sex - there are so many ways to nurture. I would gladly agree to the infrequent sex if it meant that my wife attempted to nurture me in the other ways I nurture her. However, since we're talking about sex, my understanding is that many people don't have sex whenever their partner wants. Certainly people have different levels of interest and if a couple's individual levels are similar, that's probably going to work out fine so long as the communication is good (as in actually speaking about sex). If your partner expects sex on demand, he's probably not worthy of you. My comments to optimisticha were specific to him because I think I see myself in him - I remember thinking about how I can help now and optimistically assuming that I will bring about a permanent change, with no regard to my needs in the long-term.
GrowingTree
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Re: My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by GrowingTree »

Thanks, the husband.
GrowingTree
the husband
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Posts: 529
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: My girlfriend. Shall we marry?

Post by the husband »

I actually need to know the possibility whether she will face more severe problems in the future or she can get better and better and age is not a determinative subject.
I've been thinking about this for awhile. When my wife and I embarked on this journey, the couple's therapist told me in confidence that she thought it would take a good 6 months to work through all this. I've lost track of how many years it has been since then. She will likely never estimate again, despite her expertise in childhood sexual abuse and couples. The lesson learned is that the survivor may not be aware of the severity and duration of their abuse. That and everyone survives differently. So if marriage is contingent upon recovery to a certain level, you should probably avoid making spiritual, familial or financial bonds. However if, like me, you are a fixer then you will certainly not heed. Sometimes knowing that you made a choice with eyes open is the path to acceptance.
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