Wife w/ extreme social isolation in childhood. Can U relate?

[emgee]

Hello, everybody. This post is about my wife and her experience with neglect and social isolation in childhood. I experienced a moderate amount of neglect in my own childhood but nowhere near the severity of her's. The main reason I'm posting this is to find out if anyone here has gone through something similar to her. She feels completely alone and finds it nearly impossible to relate to the rest of the human race because of her unusual experience. She feels so hopeless that she's given up on trying to connect with anyone. I told her I'd try to find others who understand, so here I am. She doesn't believe it's possible and I'm hoping to prove her wrong. She's given me permission to share her story for anyone who'd like to hear it. While I'm posting this in the "Loved Ones" category I'm wondering if I can/should post it elsewhere in the forum so there's a greater chance of people seeing it. Let me know what I can do.

My wife's story is long and complicated so I'll just start out with the basics and add more details if others reply. She had major attachment problems with her mother at an early age. Because her mother was severely lacking in parenting instincts and skills, they formed an extremely insecure attachment. My wife grew up feeling very shy, anxious and fearful of people. Because she didn't form a secure bond with her mother, she was unable to bond with others which led to her feeling very alone very early in life. She began experiencing severe school phobia very early on with her school attendance getting steadily worse to the point where she dropped out of school entirely by the 6th grade. At that point, she completely dropped out of life. She never had any home schooling and was left to stay home alone and watch TV. From the ages of 12-20 she had absolutely no social interaction with anyone other than her neglectful mother and grandmother with whom she barely had any relationship. She was more or less completely socially isolated, having absolutely no social contact with peers. She had a brother who was 7 years older who was around sometimes but her mother told him to leave her alone and stay away from her because she was too fearful of people. She has never even had a conversation with him in her entire lifetime. Her father was out of the picture early on and in the time he was around, she essentially had the same kind of non-relationship with him as she had with her brother. Aside from that, he was a rather nasty guy and my wife only remembers always feeling nervous and uncomfortable around him.

I'm sure her mother thinks she was "protecting" her daughter by keeping other family members away from her, but I think what she did was akin to Münchausen syndrome by proxy. Perhaps that comparison isn't entirely accurate but there are definite similarities. Her mother is a very socially isolated person herself and basically used her daughter's problems (which she caused through her neglect) as an excuse to isolate herself socially. It was just a very sick situation all around. There were a few attempts at therapy that failed miserably. I can go into more detail about that later. Basically, she just fell through the cracks of the system and never got any help. She has been suicidally depressed since childhood and has never known a normal life. Since meeting me at the age of 20, she has remained almost as isolated. I know this will sound unbelievable, but at the age of 37, she has still never had a conversation with another human being other then me. Everything she knows about people, she learned through TV and knowing me. She has physical problems from her neglect and I just recently got her to see a medical doctor for the first time in 25 years. She feels completely alienated from the human race and feels she has no hope of ever being normal or finding another person who's been through something as unusual as she has. She just wants someone she feels she can relate to, so once again, that's why I'm here writing this. To find out if anyone can relate to her story.

I'll just leave it there for now. Thanks for listening!

[Xanthia]

Emgee,

I applaud your idea of helping your wife connect with people who have similar life experience

Wish both of you well

[emgee]

Emgee,

I applaud your idea of helping your wife connect with people who have similar life experience

Wish both of you well

Thanks, Xanthia. Do you think it would be OK if I posted an intro message for myself in the Open Forum directing people to this post? I'm just afraid others who can relate to my wife's experience might not be checking this section and it will get lost.

[recover]

hi emgee,
i am not a moderator but i think it would be ok, not sure though. i just want to offer support. i have a different background but just want to offer support to you and your wife.
take care,
recover

[the husband]

Welcome emgee

I am the partner of a survivor, but my response involves my own experience and that of my mother and son:

My mother is socially inept and cold as mothers go. My father was present but distant. I didn't learn much in the way of useful social skills from them. I used to think that was my whole problem. I didn't realize until much later that I was also living with anxiety.

My son was fine until about 3rd or 4th grade, then he began having a lot of anxiety and began to isolate. We did get him professional counseling, and medication when it was clear he was not functioning. This helped immensely, though he does tend to be introverted - he really doesn't crave as much contact as others do. He does have friends, but they are not close friends.

I recognize that his experience is very similar to mine (though I was never treated). As he has had a different home life to mine, I suspect a genetic component. (I should mention here that his younger sister burst into the world with tremendous warmth and empathy and shows no sign of slowing down.) Expanding on this idea, I look back at my mother and wonder if she is similarly afflicted - maybe that's why she is so cold and distant. My father's mother was also quite anxious, as is my father in his way.

I now have a leadership position that requires that I speak to people frequently, including my 70 or so employees, other leaders, customers, etc.. The position requires "people skills", though they do not come naturally. I have done a lot of reading in this area, and have learned to observe and mimic the behaviors of others who clearly have their social skills down. I'm conscious of my foot placement, posture, hands and arms, head, eyes, expression, tone, all of it. It has become more natural with practice. I have also observed that my most awkward interactions are often because the other person is lacking skill. I am an introvert by nature, so I find all this tiring, but I am no longer held back by my anxiety and lack of skills.

All this to suggest:
1) The issue now might be as much social phobia as upbringing. One cannot change their upbringing, but social phobias can be treated in a variety of ways.
2) Social behavior can be learned, with great effort.

[Jonesy]

Hi emgee

Sorry, only just saw your post.
Of course it would be fine for you to introduce yourself elsewhere and post an internal link to here.

[mustard seed]

Hi emgee,
I'm really quite skilled in isolating myself and do it frequently; meaning anytime I fear that I may lose my composure or be triggered into a dissociative state (do you know what that is?) I hide in my bedroom instead.

Extreme neglect and sadistic torture are part of my history but I was not kept home from school so I am a bit different. I found out more about my mother at her funeral than I ever knew in life and the woman they talked about was not the woman I knew.

I have to force myself not to isolate and I'm blessed with a couple of close enough friends that they help make sure I get out of the house-even just the two of us going for a drive.

I'm afraid of being seen-not sure exactly why-I think I tried to hide from my abuser and failed-I'm afraid of being found because I feel as your wife does, that I am so broken, so different from everybody else. I sometimes can't stand people-normal people-everyone but me. I'm tired of trying to mask my emotions and reactions so I stay mostly alone.

I agree with the husband about the hereditary connection. Even though I was adopted, I found in my birth family that an aunt never left her house-not once in her life-groceries delivered, family allowed and accepted the isolation, "every family has one crazy old aunt". My son is the same as me or her; whichever.

Please tell your wife that there are many people here on this site who will understand; that even though we are different (each unique) in terms of issues past and present, we are more alike in our hearts and minds than she could ever imagine.

I applaud you for your efforts,
Keep encouraging her,
God bless,
ms