A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

[Sadmike]

This is long… sorry. My story is a nightmare that just gets worse and I don’t know what I can do. It’s sad to see my wife go though this alone. Why alone? Read on…

My wife (I’ll call her Sue) and I have been best friends and married for about 30 years. We have had the most amazing life together. We always grew together and helped/supported each other in everything we have done. We were inseparable. We worked/traveled together for many years and counted on each other for our work success (a lot of pressure). But, we can’t remember ever having an argument in the 30 years. When we’re together it’s obvious that we think more of the other than ourselves and do our best to make the other happy. With that said, it blew me away 2 years ago when she said she wasn’t happy and wanted to leave. I asked why and she could never come up with an answer, just “I don’t know why”. So for a few months it became a guessing game for me to try to figure it out as this just seemed crazy and became an unimaginable nightmare. I went over everything we had done in the 30 years and asked if any of it, or if she missed out on something was the problem (We don’t have kids). Nope, she had no idea why she was unhappy, but said it has been for a long time (8-10 years??). Our sex life changed pretty much after the wedding, but I always heard that happens…. But during the days there was always the hugs/kisses, love cards, and the almost daily “I love you more”. So, I thought all was OK. But for the last 5-8 years the sex really went to almost nothing, but as described everything else stayed the same, amazing days. So I decided she was more important than sex and I would deal with it (I would never cheat, or lie). Of course I was hoping it was pre-menopause and things would change. It didn’t, but the days together were still great and I would never leave her… Then came her announcement of wanting to leave me.

She went to see a therapist and after a couple months she was sitting in the living room teary eyed. I asked what was wrong and she said she thinks she never really loved me. I went and got a close up wedding picture of her with teary eyes and a beautiful smile (amazing photo, truly beautiful). I asked if she didn’t love me in the picture and she said, “I was obviously happy, but I don’t think I loved you.” WHAT??? She hired a plane to fly over our wedding with a “Name, I love you more” banner. Which followed a roadside billboard that she did a year prior on Valentine’s Day saying the same thing. So I questioned what the therapist was doing. The therapist also suggested that she move out and find herself. WHAT??? Why?? Later after a session we sat and talked, she cried and said that the therapist made a lot of sense, but when she came home that I did as well and that she was really confused. So I suggested we see her together (She never met me). She told Sue that she doesn’t do couples. So Sue said she would see a couples therapist with me and then see this lady alone. The lady said she won’t see anybody that is seeing someone else, so Sue said goodbye to her. Then the lady said, “That’s just another example of how he controls you.” WHAT?? So I asked Sue for an example of anytime in 30 years that I ever controlled her. She couldn’t come up with one. The ongoing joke is that I never say “no” to her, which would make it very difficult to control somebody.

We already had a big European trip planed so she said she would go as friends. Note, I haven’t touched her other than a kiss on the cheek, a hug and an occasional holding hands for about 9 months at this time . I gave her as much space with no pressure. On the trip the days were normal as years ago, but the nights were strange. One night she was in the shower and I went in to brush my teeth. I looked in the mirror and saw terror in her face through the glass shower door. I have never seen that face. So I finished and didn’t say anything. I did the same thing the next night to see if it was a freak happening. But it wasn’t, she did the exact same thing. So, as we drove during the days I would think of what this meant. I figured it had to be something sexual… When we got back home I searched “Long term affects of sexual childhood abuse” as she told me many years ago that something happened around 10 years old that she ended up at the Police station, but that is all she could remember. So with the web search I started to read our entire life together! Everything started to make sense, everything. I sat down with her and told her the bathroom story and my web search and said it must be the childhood sexual abuse. She said, “Which time?” WHAT???? She then told me what happened with a step grandfather at age 6-7 probably quite a few times, in the bathroom!!! So it turns out I was a trigger in Europe. She said it could be the childhood abuse, that about 20 years ago she was watching TV with my Mom, and my Mom asked her if she was OK. She said yes, why? Mom told her she turned pale… They were watching Oprah on childhood sexual abuse! So now we have the cause (I believe) on what is happening.

I searched for the best therapist in the area for CSA. We saw her together and Sue gave her side that she never really loved me like she should have (over time she added the “like she should have”). Then I gave our entire sex life history, and everything else that I could think of including the airplane/billboard/cards and so on that showed black and white how much we loved each other. She wrote it all down (so I thought). In a couple of months Sue moved out, WHAT??? Why?? So, I paid the $145 to see the therapist to see what was going on. Before going I read a lot more about CSA and understood the process of trust between the two of them and that it takes time. She told me everything I wanted to hear so I had faith in her. I also took in a photo book of Sue and I, and some of the love cards “I miss you, I can’t live without you…”. So I figured she understood our relationship.

Fast forward a year since Sue has left me… Sue seems even more unhappy and she does her best to stay away from me so she can find happiness and herself. So I asked to meet with her and therapist to see how things were going. (When I see Sue I hate to discuss it much if at all as it makes her unhappy and I don’t want her to stay away because I bring it up.). We met with the therapist a couple of weeks ago… I brought another picture book of the early years showing how close (hugs/kisses/flowers) and amazing we are together. (Note if we weren’t so happy all of the time, other than sex, how could we both look 15+ years younger than we are? We had a great life!) The therapists said that Sue is working hard with a workbook and doing homework. I asked about the CSA. She said it has nothing to do with our relationship. WHAT??? I had a list of what happened to Sue (very bad stuff) including how her Mom said she was a liar when the Mom’s boyfriend would come on to Sue as a young teen. Sue could trust nobody… I also had the web information that was relative to Sue regarding CSA. The therapist agreed on each topic and then said that the CSA has a little to do with us. WHAT??? I just changed her mind a little? So I gave her the same story that she supposedly wrote down over a year earlier: “Sue is anti-penis, she never liked the look of it. During sex she always wanted the lights out even though I would say how beautiful she was. She thinks of the male and female sex parts as dirty as well as having sex is dirty. She even calls Dick’s Sporting Goods, Richards.” She looked at Sue and asked if it was true. WHAT??? It’s been over a year and now you ask her??? Sue said, “I think due to my childhood, yes, that is how I felt until a year ago…” WHAT happened a year ago? (I didn’t ask..) I looked at the therapist and said, see how it affected our life. She asked Sue to tell me why we are apart. Sue said, “I didn’t love you the way I should have.” So I waited for more…. That was it, nothing else. So, the therapist believes as Sue does that all of the pictures/friends stories/cards and saying she loves me every day for almost 30 years was just a mistake and being sexually molested at 6-7 and then 10, has nothing to do with anything. I’m in shock. The evidence shows that Sue is living with false memories and has blocked out 30 years. Or I’m in a really bad episode of the Twilight Zone and everything I know, my family knows and our many friends know is all fake, including the pictures/cards. Then the therapist said, time is up… I didn’t know what to say (rare)…

I talked to Sue outside and she said she just wants to be happy and wants to start dating. WHAT??? I explained that her mind is choosing the safest route. That it’s safer to give up 30 GREAT years with someone she loved more than anybody in the world, than to deal with what happened at 6-7 years old. I said that just shows how horrible the sexual abuse was. She cried… During the meeting I suggested a support group, and outside she said she would do that. I asked if it was OK for me to do the leg work on area groups and send her information on CSA from the web, she said yes. The ONLY relative group therapy in a one-hour radius is on days that she works!!! We can’t get a break! She said she will try to change her schedule which shows she knows something isn’t right and still cares. But therapist #2 has taken CSA off the table of reasons for being unhappy and is working towards creating a new person.

Sue now lives 45 minutes away (closer to work) and stays away from and doesn’t contact any of our friends. She has one friend and spends her time with him, yes, him… Her Dad past away last year so she basically doesn’t have any family (Her Mom was explained above). She hasn’t seen my 83 year old Mom much in the last two years, which has been a real Mom to her for 30 years. She basically has tried to disappear/hide. I finally told my Mom that Sue moved out a year ago. She asked why and I told her Sue’s reason. She started laughing out loud. I said there’s nothing funny. She apologized and said “that’s crazy” and that is why she laughed. I explained CSA and it started to make sense to her… None of our friends will believe this.

As I am the only one that is trying to help (Aside from the therapist that doesn’t make sense to me), but I read if I try too much she could never face her childhood. It is sad to see this happening to her with no end in sight. I’m lost and worn down, my sense of humor is keeping me somewhat sane. I understand that she needs therapy and support to go from a victim to a survivor. The therapy doesn’t seem to be working and there is no outside support as she was told to move away from me and that I’m the reason for her unhappiness. What do I do??? Is the move away from a loving husband and re-invent yourself the new therapy? I can’t find that in all of the web reading I have done. Can she now be “cured” of her childhood and sex problems by not facing the CSA but doing homework (Remember as of a year ago she is sexually normal)? I can’t find that either in all of the web reading I have done. Note, she did tell a friend recently that she will probably never meet anybody that makes her as happy as I do. WHAT??? Any help or suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!!!!!!

Note: she has gone to one group therapy session and plans to go back when her schedule changes at the end of the month. Being with others that are going through the same (or close to) thing is my biggest hope to help her. I'm always looking for suggestions as real life suggestions/stories are are the best.

Thanks in advance!
SadMike

[hopeful]

Sadmike

what a powerful but sad first post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard to know what to say and I don't really have any advice for now. Just that I know it's hard for me to communicate how I feel to my husband, it's hard for a wife to say (me) your body, your touch reminds me, triggers me. The sight of genitals repulses me. I don't know if this was how your wife feels butshe sounds like she is seeking help but this whole process is not smooth and not easy. So many negative thoughts and feelings are ingrained into my soul and I acknowledge that my journey and that of your wife's is bloody hard. Unfortunately those closest to us bear the brunt. Have you had any support just for you?

isurvive is a great place for writing how you feel. Post as little or as much as you need. Someone is always reading and caring.

hopeful

[louise]

I don't know if anything I say will be helpful. I have been married to my husband for 12 years and a year ago saught therapy as my csa was causing us problems and I wanted to try and put things right. I have to say that at the moment the therapy has made things worse because I am stressed and don't want to be touched in any way or questioned. Csa has definitely caused me many problems with intimacy and sharing my feelings. I think perhaps your wife says different things to her therapists than she is able to share with you and maybe thats where the confusion has arisen. Also maybe the therapy has meant she is in a vulnerable state and can't deal with the pressures of being with someone who knows her so well and cares so much. I know when I'm vulnerable I just want to be alone because I can't deal with all the fussing and trying to protect my husbands feelings. It worries me that even when you are apart you are involving yourself in her life? I would respectfully suggest that you take a step back, if she does still want to be with you then she will come back. If she doesn't I think you should allow her to move on. I understand you feel let down by the therapy and you might be right that they have got it totally wrong. They might be useless and unscrupulous. I know my counsellor would never tell me what to do, it would be totally unprofessional. But you don't really know what she has said to them and what they have said to her. My husbands exwife had therapy through a church for csa and she said they advised her to leave him as part of her healing. I suggested that she may have lied about this.

[pinecone]

Sadmike, I am so sorry for both you and your wife.

[mustard seed]

Sadmike,
So sorry to hear your story. Louise brought up some great points.
There are reasons why some pastors or therapists would advise a woman to leave her husband.
I also agree that if she has asked you for space (which by leaving she has) you may want to re-consider or ponder what it is in you that keeps you tied. I mean no disrespect by that but do you believe that she will be cured of csa and return to the marriage? Has she given you any indication of this as a possibility?

I grieve deeply with you over the loss, so very few make it 30 years.
I do hope you will seek help for yourself during this.
Not a lot of help for sure; but here, sending support.
mustard seed

[Sheep]

Sadmike,

I sobbed after reading your story. When the veil of denial is ripped away, there is no getting it back to hide the past horror of being sexually abused as a child. I was raped before the age of 6 yrs. old by a family friend who was my brother's age. He was a teenager at the time. I subconsciously chose to marry an older man at the age of 19 yrs. old and he was 27 yrs old. He avoided sex with me throughout our 20 yrs. of marriage. He also withheld love and affection. I did not discover until 16 yrs. into our marriage that he lived a double life. He struggles with sex addiction and actually became sexually anorexic, much like a person does with food. This discovery broke through the denial of my childhood trauma and abuse, and I went into shock. I also started having flashbacks, panic attacks. and memories surface. At that time I was 36 yrs. old. Fast forward about 10 yrs..we are divorced. I have been married and divorced two more times - the third husband almost beating me to death. I also had a physically abusive, controlling father. He is a compulsive gambler and an alcoholic. I lived in terror of him. I wish he was dead - even at the old age of 78 yrs. old. He has betrayed me throughout my childhood and into my adult life. My ex did not take his recovery seriously. We cannot drag others out of denial, much like others cannot drag us out of denial. My ex-husband gave up on me 3 yrs. into my recovery with PTSD and told me "You are just stuck in your past!" I guess I am still stuck but desire to put the past where it belongs...in the past. The latest I read my ex has announced in regards to his new wife that "he is so glad he did not choose second best this next time around." Don't call what we had 'love' He used me and our two children to hide behind. That way he didn't have to face his own pain. Now he has a new wife to manipulate and use. As for me, I am 48 yrs. old still under-employed and attending weekly EMDR appts with my therapist. This past Tuesday I attended my first Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting. I am learning a lot about myself, but most of all, I hope to be able to truly forgive myself and love me for just the very person I am.

Sorry for your pain,

Sheep

[Harmony]

Dear sadmike,

You truly do sound sad and grieving. This is a tragic story. Have you sought help for dealing with this for yourself? You deserve someone to listen. We at isurive will listen and support. For true guidance seek a professional. Our own marriage has survived the healing journey of CSA but not without tons of work. Did she say why she needed to leave the marriage?

here sitting with you,
Harmony

[the husband]

Hi SadMike

I am the husband of a survivor as well. I can relate to much of what you have said. I hope that you will stick around and absorb the wisdom and experience offered here.

I think there comes a point when a person realizes they must either deal with an issue to stay in their relationship, or flee. In my case, it was only after years of safety and stability that she was able to recall some of what happened, and then she panicked. I think the specter of dealing with CSA can be even more frightening than the loss of a decades-long relationship. There is so much pain, self-loathing, negative messages, and the like. My wife never left me, but she has given me numerous opportunities to leave.

As you have asked for suggestions, I shall provide:

1) Consider this: It isn't about you. Judging only from your narrative, this is not your doing. You have wracked your brain trying to figure out what you did wrong, trying to prove that you were in a loving relationship, trying to prove that you are not controlling. I'm sure you have made mistakes, could have handled things better, but I'm guessing that there was nothing that would have amounted to this.

2) Consider attending your own private therapy. You could benefit from somebody to validate your thoughts and experiences - somebody to provide reality and stability. Additionally, you may wish to explore why you chose your wife and tolerated the constraints upon your relationship. I am not judging you in this regard - I have lived this myself.

[Jonesy]

Hi SadMike

Thank you for trusting us with your words. My heart goes out to both you and your wife.

Forgive me for sharing, but I relate to much of what you wrote.
I dealt with my own Pandora's Box by telling my h I was no longer happy in our 18 year old marriage and that I didn't want to be with him any more.

I think there comes a point when a person realizes they must either deal with an issue to stay in their relationship, or flee.

I convinced myself it was ok to finally put my needs first and that I was 'freeing' him to find someone who could be what he wanted. I wasn't able to tell him the truth and let him in to my craziness, therefore 'running away' and hiding from the real issue was easier. Long story short, we got back together after 15 months separation - my h never gave up on me and I will always be grateful for that. I finally realised that what I needed to be happy was the very person I had pushed away.

I wish I could tell you that everything will be fine, but we humans are complicated creatures with different paths to travel. This is why you will doubtless receive differing opinions on how to move forwards. However it sounds like you have pretty good communication with your wife, so maintaining that seems vital. 'Relationships' is a difficult game at the best of times, but throwing childhood abuse into the mix makes juggling all the harder.

[Sadmike]

Wow, I am truly overwhelmed with your responses. Thank you very much for your thoughts and stories; I should have come here a long time ago. Some of your posts suggest that they might not be helpful, but every response is helpful in some way, even if it’s just that I know someone is listening. Some of your thoughts/ideas are great to hear and something for me to really think about as this is a constant 24/7 learning/thinking process. Those of you that have shared your stories, you’ll never know how much I appreciate it. I can’t imagine what it takes to tell them, but rest assured it is helpful to me and gives me hope as there is so much in common, thank you.

I’m not in counseling, but I have some close friends to help keep my head on straight. It’s ironic that my early childhood created my personality to be able to deal with Sue’s childhood trauma, and the recent failing health of my Mom. Evidently my Mom was abused by my alcoholic Dad when I was real young. I don’t remember anything other than my Santa AM radio and how music brought me happiness while drowning out the yelling. That, and the comedy I created to deal with it, has made me who I am (even my career). So, between music and my sense of humor, I have made it to the stage where I feel I can deal with this without breaking down as often as before. But some songs kill me…

I see a lot of similarity’s between what is happening with us and your lives/stories. One of Sue’s concerns that she has told friends is that she doesn’t want to hurt me. She also stated that she wished there was a reason to make it easy, like if I was mean or abusive to her, but there isn’t she says (not one argument in 30 years). As you don’t know us, all I can say is that if you did, we would be the last one on your list to ever be a part, much less separated (weird for me to say or hear her say “separated”), in fact you would probably refuse to put our names on the list at all because it would be crazy and a waste of ink. This also makes our situation difficult to tell anybody as they think I pranking them, then they are in complete shock when I tell them I’m not kidding (It takes a few times before they believe me). So, only a few close friends know that she left a year ago.

The thing I am constantly fighting in my head is that due to the therapist, Sue doesn’t have the option to be with me if she wants to be happy. By the therapist saying that the CSA has little (first it was nothing) to do with our relationship, and Sue has been unhappy for 8+ (?) years, then it has to be us, not the CSA. Sue has wiped out 30 years of memories and created a version that only her and the therapist will believe.

To show the confusion she must be going through, we just went to a theme park for her birthday with some friends (couples that know). It was a great day! It was like it has been for the 30 years. You can tell in her eyes and actions how much she cares about me (As even our friends noted to me later.). In addition, when we’re kidding around with our own personal humor and out comes her beautiful smile and laugh, I as well as our friends, wonder why she moved out. When we got home so she could get her car, I went to get her something from the car we drove that was parked in the road. I heard her door shut and I thought, crap, I missed my hug. She pulled out into the street so I figured the window would come down and I could give the kiss on the cheek… but she opened the door and got out for a hug. I told her it was a great day and it seemed like it took away the last year. She agreed… I gave her a kiss on the cheek and told her I loved her and she said she loved me too (Most of the time she won’t say that.) So why is she gone?!? In my mind it keeps going back that she has no choice, as it must be us that makes her unhappy, per the therapist.

This leads to my other confusion… Knowing that the therapist is doing nothing regarding the CSA, which over time could draw Sue further away from me and everybody, how much space should I give her? It’s like she resists getting together, but then when we are together she is happy. And here come the Holidays. Then am I not to talk about what is going on like the great day at the theme park, and just hope that she goes back to the group therapy and learns what is really going on?

I know there is no cure for CSA, but I want Sue to move back home and become a survivor. I can’t imagine her going through this alone, literally all alone… I’m aware that things might not ever be the same, but I love her no matter what and I’ll always be there to help her through anything. I look at this as a horrible car crash and no matter how she comes out of it, we will get through it and grow old and happy together. I know she would do the same for me (at least a few years ago).

I see I have a lot of reading ahead of me “A Husband’s story”…. The Husband stated… “I think the specter of dealing with CSA can be even more frightening than the loss of a decades-long relationship.” Nails it….

I’ll end my rant with one of the hopeful statements:
Jonesy wrote… “Long story short, we got back together after 15 months separation - my h never gave up on me and I will always be grateful for that. I finally realized that what I needed to be happy was the very person I had pushed away.”

Thanks again!
SadMike