A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

[Sadmike]

ms- Thanks for your honesty, it’s a good awakening of what the reality is/could be. It was hard to read (saddening), but what I guess I really need. I have read it a few times over the past couple of days. Your description of how you feel about your ex is spot on with what Sue is saying now. I will follow your advice. In my mind I hope the marriage differences are enough to have a different outcome. Maybe I’m a dreamer or maybe it helps me through the day. All of the pictures, cards and memories keep me hopeful and sane. Thank you.

the husband – You are a great example that someone can learn more from real life experiences then years of college. If you ever write a book let me know. Sue sounds like your wife’s sister… As Sue is supposedly seeing the best CSA therapist in the area (???? Suggested by another therapist, not a survivor), I don’t have much hope to find someone in our area that I can trust, but it’s something I will look into. Sue suggested a while back for me to find someone, but I thought I could do this on my own and the cost of two living locations and just the one therapists was burdening enough.

I booked my trip, I’ll be gone for 35 days, it’s going to be really strange without her. I won’t bring it up, I’ll see if she does, otherwise it’s me, a car, a camera, and about 3,000 miles across Europe. So sad that these amazing opportunities/trips are here and then this is happening. Every yearly trip should have been another honeymoon.

I did my best to give her room over Christmas and New Years with basically no contact. Just before midnight New Years Eve it was so freaky and sad to not be with her for the big hug and kiss and to see her pretty smile, so at midnight I sent her a text “OX” as I want her to know I’m thinking of her. She quickly replied with a “hny…” Kind of a sad way to say Happy New Year, but obviously I fully understand. That was it.

Today on New Years day for the last 28 years we have gone to a close friends party. We never missed one. The gentleman that hosts it just turned 90 (she missed the B-day party due to work) and isn’t in the greatest health, so this could be his last New Years. I figured that never missing one in 28 years that I didn’t need to remind her about it. And with giving her room that I shouldn’t keep telling her things that are happening or coming up. So I didn’t and she didn’t show up. It will be sad if she loses another old friend and regrets not seeing them…

Sheep mentioned Charles Whitfield's workbook on healing the child within, so I looked up (billing info) the book Sue is working out of with her therapist. It’s called, The Healing Journey – Your Journal of Self-Discovery. I read the descriptions of each book (what I could find) and it looks like the Whitfield book really covers childhood trauma, while the book Sue is using is more for a person that wants to change the direction of their life (start a new chapter), but not due to any trauma. Does anybody know anything about this book? As her CSA is not disputed and she admits it affected her sexually for the 30 years, it seems like her therapist and the book have her going down the wrong road. Yes, I’m still looking for answers and trying to figure this out.

Here’s to a new year, whoopee….
Sadmike

[mustard seed]

Sadmike,

Thank you for your comments. I want the truth, tell the truth and want to hear the truth no matter how difficult for me to say or hear. I am at a place in my journey towards healing where I am actively in control of my healing. I'm working with my health care professionals and every other resource I can find.

The journey to self discovery is a long one for most survivors and we usually begin wherever we are at the moment, with whatever "else" the problem is at the time. It has taken me many, many years to see and understand the impact of my childhood trauma even though I have never denied it, have always remembered it and was aware of "some" of the impact. Just the other day I encountered a truth about myself and I thought, wow-why didn't I recognize this 10 yrs ago or 15. Why didn't somebody tell me? That part can make me temporarily very angry-I've been working with professionals for many years-someone should have told me! My anger goes when I realize that I found out now because I'm ready to face it now. Not then, nobody's fault.

I so wish the journey was simpler, easier and faster! But it's not. I'm finally surrendering to that fact and to the fact that throughout the years I contained "it" and put it away not wanting to deal with it (sometimes for years at a time).

So glad to hear that you have booked your trip. isurvive is a very caring community and we are happy you found us, many are able to support you in your journey.

My hope for you is that 2015 will bring you something to be positive and cheerful about. I'm thinking of you.
Warmest regards,
ms

[the husband]

Hi sadmike

I'm so impressed that you have curtailed your reaching out, and that you have planned your trip without your wife. I know this is hard. I recall that I wrestled with the idea that I was being mean or acting out of anger when I withdrew a bit, but really I was changing behavior that was allowing me to be unnecessarily victimized.

I've actually considered writing a book, as the few that are out are outdated and/or shockingly expensive. I should just start. I've even thought about how it would be to write it, and then have my wife go through and respond from her perspective. She's not in a good place for that right now, but maybe one day.

Going to my own therapy was difficult for a few reasons:
1) I didn't feel like this was my fault. SHE should go to therapy. Obviously I relented.
2) Telling. This was a difficult hurdle. It was very difficult for my wife to tell me about her CSA. Every new thing that she told me was couched in so much secrecy, shame, and overwhelming messages that something horrible would now happen. Add to that my feeling valued by her trusting me with the information and a strong desire never to betray her.
3) Introversion. I'm very independent, I don't expect help, I don't dwell on my feelings for very long. It took me a long time to get over the feeling that I was complaining when I should be fixing. We all need to express our feelings and to be validated.
4) Fear. Maybe it IS me! Maybe I'm not worthy, maybe I did something wrong, maybe I'm screwed up and nobody else will have me, and so on.

[Sadmike]

The journey to self discovery is a long one for most survivors and we usually begin wherever we are at the moment, with whatever "else" the problem is at the time. It has taken me many, many years to see and understand the impact of my childhood trauma even though I have never denied it, have always remembered it and was aware of "some" of the impact. Just the other day I encountered a truth about myself and I thought, wow-why didn't I recognize this 10 yrs ago or 15. Why didn't somebody tell me? That part can make me temporarily very angry-I've been working with professionals for many years-someone should have told me! My anger goes when I realize that I found out now because I'm ready to face it now. Not then, nobody's fault.

Wow, that's Sue, but she has just started the process (1-2 years). That helps me better understand that the aha moment could be way way down the road before she even understands it's the CSA, not me. But since nobody else is even starting her down that road, I'm constantly looking for a way to at least point her. She told a friend that she's going to group therapy for me. In other words to prove that I'm wrong about the CSA affects on our marrage, before she asks for the divorce, as she doesn't want to hurt me. With that in mind, maybe she'll read a book about childhood trauma (for me). But I will only have one chance, or she'll say how many books do I have to read to make you happy... So, it's important that I find the book that is the most relative to her, otherwise as discussed she figures it has nothing to do with her.

I have spent hours searching books and reading reviews. I’m even more certain now that the book she’s working through (The Healing Journey: Your Journal of Self-Discovery) is doing more harm than good as it looks to be for the person with no trauma history that just wants to change their life. Please correct me if I’m wrong on that book. I just ordered for me to read, Survivors & Partners: Healing the Relationships of Sexual Abuse Survivors. It might help me and then I’ll pass it on. If it’s on target I’ll of course get one immediately for her as I read slow….

Here are the other books with very good childhood trauma reviews. But which one, or another, do I choose as I only get one shot at this:
1. Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse: Practical Self-Help for Adults Who Were Sexually Abused As Children (With workbook)
2. Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them
3. Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to "Healing the Child Within")

If anybody has any thoughts on these or a better book, please let me know. I guess I can post this in the books section as well…

The husband – You definitely have a book in you. As I always look for what good comes out of every situation, for me, just getting Sue back would be a dream come true (even knowing there will be a lifetime of working on this). Being in your rare position of living it and knowing how to write it so well, this could be a bonus for everything you have gone through. I spent most of my life helping others and it was priceless, I’d do it again if I could (for free). Plus you already have one copy sold!

Thanks!
Sadmike

[Sadmike]

From the many many reviews I read from a couple of countries, this book seems to be the way to go, that is unless I hear otherwise: The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 20th Anniversary Edition

Thoughts?

Sadmike

[Sheep]

SadMike,

I hear the grief and loss in your posts. I know what it feels like to be married to a spouse in denial of the childhood abuse. Unfortunately, the healing process cannot be rushed or forced. A counselor told me about two years ago that I was not 'yet ready' for the book The Courage to Heal. Everyone is at their own unique place on this journey. Hope you find some reading material for yourself and support as you go through this sad time.

Sheep

[mustard seed]

Sadmike,

The Courage to Heal is a highly recommended book and I echo Sheep.
After attending my first group therapy in 2001 I attempted it; found it fascinating (but not pertaining to me-denial) and triggering and could not finish.

It was recommended to me this past summer, my T said she thought I could handle it now.
I've been thinking about another attempt this year, soon in fact.

My heart is heavy for you Sadmike
I've said this before; you can not fix her, yet you're trying and searching for ways to help obviously with great love and devotion to your marriage and relationship. I really admire that-the heart of a husband.
Please relax Sadmike. Just relax for you and for her. Trust that the universe unfolds as it should. The two of you have shared so much together, it means so much, it matters. Trust it. Trust love.

I hope your focus on your trip will be to grab every bit of good there is to be had, for yourself.
Be well and much respect,
ms

[the husband]

Hi sadmike

I've been struggling with the idea that I might be harping on one string and will push you too far here, but I have a nagging thought that might be helpful:

I'm hearing that you want things to go back to the way they were - but from your wife's perspective they can't.

All of the experiences you have had together, all of the things that you remember? They happened! The change is that now your wife has probably begun to remember things and her perception has changed. Her reasons for doing things and accepting things may be revealed to her. She may perceive that she has been making decisions for the wrong reasons .

I have lived this. My wife began to see things in a new light, not as she wished they were or was told to see them. She saw that her mother was wrong about her, and obviously mentally ill as well. Her father "the good parent" was actually disinterested in her as a child and only became interested in her as an adult to socialize with (and later as a potential caregiver). Her stepmother viewed her as a social responsibility at best. Her mother is dead and the other "parents" no longer speak to us. Her close relationship with her sister was actually fraught with old messages about keeping secrets and unspoken/unpaid debt. Was her relationship with me really about stability and an acceptance of emotional distance instead of love?

In short, your wife may not perceive that there is anything real to go back to.

What can you do? Let go. I'm not saying let go of her, but let go of the past. Let her redefine herself on her own. Meanwhile, go define yourself as a separate entity rather than her caregiver. If you continue to strive to keep the status quo, she may have to break away from you. This is actually pretty great: she might not have been able to get to this point without the stability that you provide.

The most important thing that I have done to ensure the success of our relationship is to step waaaay back and support my wife's transition to a new way of living and thinking, while working on myself separately.

I'm going to harp on this string one more time, and then I will speak of it no more: It is essential to the process that you seek professional help. You must explore your part in this, you must be vulnerable to someone, you must seek positive change for yourself, and you must learn to attend to your own wants and needs. Your wife needs to change her role, but your role is dependent on care-giving her old role.

[Sheep]

Hi sadmike

It is essential to the process that you seek professional help. You must explore your part in this, you must be vulnerable to someone, you must seek positive change for yourself, and you must learn to attend to your own wants and needs. Your wife needs to change her role, but your role is dependent on care-giving her old role.

Sadmike,

I was trying to convey this message to you as well. It is not easy, nor a 'quick fix'. Remember, it took 30 yrs. to get to the place that you and your wife are now. This next phase, so to speak, takes as long as it takes. Try not to put a time limit on it as my ex did. After 3 yrs into my healing with PTSD he was 'done with it' and 'done with me'. Yet even though he is remarried, I believe he still has the same issues that he did while he was married to me. We tend to carry our baggage with us. Sometimes it is only 'one article at a time' that we work with and let go because if it was the whole suitcase, it might be too painful and overwhelm us! Try not to 'fix' your relationship with her but keep giving her space and allow the relationship to evolve to where it goes. Letting go is so...hard! In fact, it is like a foreign language to me - lol. It is natural to grieve the loss of what you and your wife once had. But once a survivor comes out of denial, there is no going back. I agree with The Husband that your wife's role needs to change, and your old role needs to change as well.

In support,

Sheep

[the husband]

SadMike:

Have we lost you? Did I push too far? I think about you often. If you are still around, I'd be interested in hearing how things are going for you. If you feel that I've overstepped, please feel free to say so. I will not be offended and will appreciate the feedback.