Im a mom who just found out; Advice from survivors please.

[FrumSurvivor]

Dear Mom,
Kudos to you for taking the initiative.
The best thing you can do for your children is to get them in therapy and YOU in therapy as well.
I wish you the best of luck. It's really hard. So so hard, but oh, is it worth it.

[VAC]

Mom of Siblings,

Thinking of you and your dear family, wondering how you are....

VAC

[mom of siblings]

Hi, sorry for my delay. I have health issues that are exacerbated by stress. Once again, thank you all for the support. Vac, especially, thank you for a thoughtful, detailed answer. Im stuck in a holding pattern. My dtr doesnt want to talk about it anymore, so Im doing my best not to push. I NEED to talk to my son, but I dont feel that doing that over the phone is a good idea. He is coming for Thanksgiving, and I dont want him to feel ambushed, so not sure what to do there either. Im having an internal crisis, which I cant let show on the outside. Im just depleted. We found a counselor, but she told us that there is mandatory reporting, so we cancelled the appointment. I need to know more from my dtr, who doesnt want to talk anymore about it. I did get permission from her to tell her dad (whom I had already told, of course), and she did say that she was ok with me talking to our son. I think he will deny it. Ironically, he had a tough time at about age 14, changing from a sweet boy into this angry teenager. He couldnt tell us why, at the time, and I even entertained the thought that he was possibly getting molested. Jeez. Now he always talks about just wanting to make his dad and I proud. I can see the pattern. Was it hormones? A need for control? Does he have a serious lifelong problem? I am hoping to get more answers, and feel as if I am not going to be able to wait until Thanksgiving. The phone is not ideal, but I have to do something before I crack. And my dtr did say she was fine with him visiting at the holiday. But is she saying that for my husband and I, or for herself?
This is where Im at now, and wanted to give an update to those that have reached out to me. You truly are all wonderful and helpful and I cherish all the feedback you have given.

Mom of Siblings.

[rebecca]

Hi Mom of Siblings,
I want to encourage you to make and keep a T appointment for your daughter and for you and your spouse. Yes, T's are mandated reporters. I assume from what you wrote, you have not called the police yet. You must do this. Your son does need understanding and care and therapy, but you must report this. This must be very painful for you, I'm sure. Still, part of supporting your daughter, and even supporting your son, means that the police must know.
Peace in the pain,
Rebecca

[VAC]

Mom of Siblings, Rebecca,

Sorry, but I disagree. The police are not to be called.

Your son is not a predator. The damage done will be exacerbated by calling the police: this is premature at this time.

The focus now needs to be on peace and healing.

Nor will a positive purpose be served by forcing a T session until your daughter is ready.

Until you know more, make this a family issue. Spare yourselves the heartbreak of too much too soon. As you said your son is out of the home. According to what your daughter has reported, this is a one time event. This does not minimize her victimhood or the damage done, nor does it let your son off the hook.

This is however, effective damage control for the moment.

Mom of Siblings, you have risen to the occasion....peace in this journey.

There are two lives at stake here.

No purpose can be served by betraying the trust of your daughter....she opened the door. Remain there patiently. I know there will be more positive communication soon.

No purpose can be served by having your son labeled as a sexual predator. If this were ongoing, it would be a different circumstance. Almost certainly this will never happen again.

This is a strong suit for mom and dad to communicate with each other and with kids. You seem to have a wise counselor there 3D. This is the lancing of an infected wound and not a continual reinfection.

You have an enormous potential for this to be a positive lifechanging event for your son and a healing and bonding time between you and your daughter. Peace.

You will know more clearly what to do shortly. Both your children need you and your husband to emerge as parents than ever before.

VAC

[Jonesy]

Hi mom of siblings

Conflicting words from rebecca and VAC. We all bring different words to the table. Such must the pain in your family right now.

In my understanding? Anyone who has regular contact with vulnerable groups such as children, disabled people or the elderly are legally required to report when abuse is either suspected or witnessed. What we should never do in those circumstances is stand by and do nothing - I believe it's better to be wrong than later find out we should have acted.

What you haven't been clear on is if this was a one-off incident between your daughter and her brother or if it was ongoing for a period of time.

Sending support and happy to talk further via email should you wish to make contact.

[rebecca]

With respect, if someone sexually assaults achild, whether it happened one time or many, it is still sexual assault. Under the law, sexual assault is a criminal event. If the son was a minor at the time of the event, it is still a criminal event if the age gap was large enough.
Jonesy, can you speak to the legal responsibility of the site regarding known sexual abuse? (again, one time or ongoing is irrelevant)

[Jonesy]

Hi mom of siblings

I now need to lock this thread for the protection of all members and of the site while I look into the legal ramifications of the situation.

It may well be that events spiral out with your control, so you may wish to consider making contact with your son and speaking further with your daughter as soon as possible.

I will email you a link for further information and I need you to check the email that you registered with when you joined isurvive.