Just Expressing Frustration

[MoonShadow]

Well, here I am again; went on another disappearing act after a short return due to unsafe feelings of staying here..I did not feel that I was being understood
Apologies in advance to those who may have left messages for me shortly after my leave; I shall be addressing them in time. Although do allow me to express the perception that I had not been missed; this is not the fault of any individual or collective...I'm sure it's just my emotions being self-destructive again, and I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone in saying these things

But today it's not about me
It may never be about me again; he is more important to me

This friend, he has been through so much worse and yet holds so much hope. But today he broke; he wanted to kill himself. Naturally I did all I could to have him reconsider, which is not much in an online friendship; in addition to talking it out with him, I had also filed a request for intervention on the website that we shared
This is my frustration. His messages contained explicit intent to end his life, with an explicit method of doing so; the website's Prevention Team refused to act, on grounds that there was no immediate or anticipatory action on his part to act on these messages..even though their policy agrees to check-in on suicidal users, or have the nearest authorities do so
I understand their reasoning, I also understand him; this is not the first time he has wanted to kill himself. He has been rushed to hospital on several instances due to attempted suicides, and several times he had been clinically dead
I feared for his life when he stated that he was going to do it again, and yet nobody wants to help; nobody wants to help, unless it was an "immediate emergency". So let me get this straight, they'll help just as he's about to off himself, instead of trying to prevent it in the first place? They'll help, knowing that the authorities can be too far away or too slow to act in an "immediate emergency"? So what kind of 'help' can they offer in this case, a body-bagging??

I apologize for the explicit term that I just used; I am simply beyond disappointment and frustration with these so-called groups of authority who always say that they're there to help, then refuse to lift a finger when the real danger comes. How are we supposed to believe in anyone?? How are we supposed to have hope?
This only serves to solidify my intense distrust of people, particularly authority figures; police, parents, teachers, leaders...they just give lip-service to make themselves look good, then turn their backs on the ones who depend on them. It's not the first time I've went to somebody with more ability, asking for help in a crisis, only to be turned away with a "thanks for the info, have a nice day!" (in one case, they quite literally took the information and ran away); it's not the first time I've seen a friend do the same, only to have the authority figure betray them for the stronger, more antagonistic team. They're not the ones who need you; we are. We still depend on you to support our livelihood; they're just abusing the system to satisfy their greed and sadism

There's no point to people; I don't know why I'm still trying. I just know that my friend is in very real danger, that he needs help more than I could ever offer, that soon I will be unable to keep up due to my own demons chasing after me. In an ideal world, I wish I can say that I don't care about myself; that I can dedicate my entire being to others...but there are people who depend on me, who need me to stay with them in order to preserve their reality. I've dug myself too deep and I don't know how to climb out; I can't abandon anyone yet, because it means sacrificing something that does not want to be left behind. I wish it was me

Thank you to anyone who was willing to listen; it may have been confusing but I am just so, so frustrated
(my friend is currently safe, to those who may have been concerned)

[darkshadow]

Hi moon shadow, I don't believe we have met before, I was saddened by your post, for you and your friend. I work in mental health an as soon as someone looks like they have suicidal thoughts action is taken, it is far better to catch them before the act. I'm sorry you were both so let down, it shouldn't happen.

What an amazing friend you are, I think perhaps you don't take care of your own emotions? We can run from demons, but sometimes we have to take a moment to self care, it isn't letting anyone else down, it's allowing yourself time to heal and rest, much like a car, it can't take people anywhere no matter how good it is, if you don't take the time to refuel.

Much care.

[Harmony]

Dear Moonshadow,

I am glad to see you here as I am grateful to all our fellow survivors. There are no promises here of saving anyone. Only kind support and a welcome smile. I will give you that. In terms of saving another person that is ultimately up to the individual themselves. Since most of us here carry heavy burdens how about joining us up and let us listen? If you chose to just read you can listen to others who have similar stories.. We don't fix here at isurvive. We are not a therapy or intervention service. We give compassion and support.

I hope you find good listening and support here. In terms of 3D hands on help that is up to the professionals. There are none here except informally as fellow survivors. Remember what they say on the airplane every time you fly. First put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

with warm support,
Harmony

[Beachlady]

Hi Moonshadow,

So sorry you and your friend have experienced such a let down and so much betrayal by those saying they would help; fear of trusting anyone is understandable given what you have been through. I hope you are able to stay here this time, where there is support as everyone is able to give it and where whatever you are feeling can be accepted. I agree with Darkshadow and Harmony, I believe you do need to find ways to build more self-care, and to address those demons... the running from them while trying so hard to support others must be exhausting.

Beachlady

[Aspen]

Moonshadow,

Thinking of you and wondering how you and your friend are doing?

Aspen

[HealingHearts]

Moon shadow
I am so sorry to hear of these bad experiences you have had in attempting to get help. I myself called my T with SU ideation and concerns of safety. I didn't even speak to her till a week later. How lame is that? It makes it very hard to feeling I can trust her.

How are you? Can you say more?

HealingHearts

[MoonShadow]

Thanks all for your heartfelt comments; I may not be able to reply properly, but I appreciate them all the same

darkshadow – Pleased to meet your acquaintance, and I hope that you are doing well since I understand that working in mental health can be very stressful. What disappoints me the most is when people make clear promises to help others, then reject the consequences; it's not so much when they admit that they cannot do much, or that certain hurdles need to be jumped before offering support, but when people blatantly deny making any such promises then blame the victims for being silly or making things up that shatters any hope for humanity. Their messages are broadcasted on radio, on television, in newspapers, in workplaces..yet when we pick up the phone or tell the appropriate representatives, we're somehow causing an unnecessary nuisance for following their messages; how disgusting
I'm flattered that you think I make a good friend, though I do feel useless for not being much help most times. I think that you're right in saying I'm not taking care of myself; I don't really know how, especially when I face demanding people and family everyday. Just having some time to myself is a battle, which leaves me unable to enjoy the peace as I've inevitably made enemies and would need to face that mess the moment I choose to live again; the people around this place do not understand, so helping others is what makes me feel most alive and worthy

Harmony – I apologize for hurting any of my fellow members. There was never any expectation of being 'saved' or 'fixed' nor of an 'intervention service'; I just want a listening ear, perhaps virtual hugs, and maybe an imaginary shoulder to cry on...that seems to be few and far in-between, and even then I'm being forced to fight for it

Beachlady – Sorry for the disappointment; I guess that I am tired of all the drama, of running away while chasing something else. I'm probably just ignoring my problems by focusing on others', or projecting my feelings on others...the desire to be comforted and supported; I don't have it, so I'll give it to others. I don't know if that's a good way to be coping

Aspen – I do not mean to place worry on you, but thank you for your thoughts. He is on shaky ground but seems to be doing alright; he appears to have a yo-yo habit of shifting between being very hopeful and being very dejected, I worry when his next 'phase' will hit

HealingHearts – I understand your reluctance to trust; it does take time to build up that courage, and I do not think it's lame for doing what you did. You have my deepest condolences and prayers

Apologies to all for dropping another bomb on my re-appearance. I have been feeling physically unwell and replies are slow in arriving...I'd like to try and offer support where I can, but for now I may be more quiet than usual as I attempt to recuperate both physically and emotionally/spiritually

[HealingHearts]

I wish you a speedy recovery.
HH

[Aspen]

Hi Moonshadow,

Glad you are doing a little better. I hope your friend starts to feel better soon. Here for you.

Aspen