Im getting blamed - I need a great book!

[kay727]

I posted before and am hoping to get a good book review regarding this.

My wife is being triggered by me - she is also blaming me and running to her unsupportive mother & sister that denied her abuse by her father. She is in denial that she is still in denial! I WANT her to have a relationship with her family but....keeping up the "nothings wrong and they love me" while ignoring the elephants in the room seems unhealthy and I dont see how one can ever really heal until this is resolved? Plus its not helping our marriage any.

Is there a book about healing that talks about this? AND do others agree with my opinion? Id like one that talks a lot about family dynamics around incest abuse (when its a parents would be best). Other than perusing amazon and reading a few pages and seeing some online reviews I cant get much information.

Any and all help is appreciated.

[FrumSurvivor]

I so wish I'd know what to say...
Although I don't have any great suggestions, I really feel for you.

[the husband]

I don't know of any books. I checked this websites Resources page, but books are not listed. I did a search for "books" and got this:

Friends and Loved Ones of Survivors
Haunted Marriage: Overcoming the Ghosts of Your Spouse’s Childhood Abuse

by Clark E. Barshinger, Lojan E. La Rowe, Andres T. Tapia

This book is written from a husband’s point of view, and is an excellent resource in helping your spouse and you, deal with past childhood abuse.

I've not read it. It is available on Amazon, and the reviews are good.

I understand what you are going through, and I do empathize. For you own sake, hear this: no matter how much energy you put into this, you cannot fix her at this stage. She must choose to take the next steps for her own reasons. I urge you to back down, read whatever you can find, and work on yourself. Pretend I am a message to you from you about 5 years in the future. While entirely understandable, valid and natural, your intensity right now will not improve matters. Of course you are not to blame, of course it seems like madness to flee back to her family, and of course all this is not rational. What you and I lack is the ability to fully understand that the very idea of facing the memory of CSA is terrifying beyond compare. Our survivors survived, in part, because they were able to put all this stuff away and take care of business. Now it's resurfacing. It's much safer to blame you and get away than to have to deal with all this.

[kay727]

Hi Husband - thanks for response - here is the thing in my situation though. She has been responding to me. Last night she went to a new therapist with me. The therapist said something that really resonated with her. She told her that she can not heal her inner child on her own. y spouse was shocked and questioned what she meant. The therapist said that she needs a witness. Then after therapy she first said that was wrong but then started to really think about it. She is trying and I think she is ready to start. If she can make the connection between her lack of trust for me AND her past - I think we can move forward. Your thought on that? She is acknowledging the abuse and also finally said and we talked about why she can not come back home and give 100% that she is willing to work on our marriage. She said it is trust - and that she does not know when she stopped trusting me or why and she wants to know. I want to talk with her about her CSA and that it is a major cause and that I will stay with her and work through it - but that I can not do it if she is going to run away or not fight for it. I know it will take years and I am ready for that - the only thing I need to push is acknowledgment.

Husband - do you remember at what phase in your marriage your spouse stopped trusting you (i'm making an assumption here as I haven't read your posts but will do so after this) For me it was just about 2 years into the marriage but even before then she was keeping secrets from me and felt the need to lie. There has got to be a connection with her abuse but I cant quite put it in words.

[englishrose]

hi
i am sorry to say denial is a very very powerful coping mechanisum and untill your partner is ready to deal with the abuse she will continue to use this no matter how much prove or evidence you show her about her past. i know i do to. although i can say i was abused i have not suffered thats my denial. if like me she is still using her denial i dont think there is much you can do for no matter how many times you say the sky is blue she sees it brown. the reason for denial is that it is more comfortable than the pain of the truth and the healing needed to get over it.
i did get my hubby a book it is designed for the partners and family. i do not know how good it is because he has never told me. its called allies in healing.
englishrose

[Beachlady]

Kay727,
I know I am going to be quite blunt; this may or may not be useful, or be something you can hear, so take whatever you can use. I am strongly urging you to really listen to The Husband. I will tell you from the perspective of a survivor, just reading your intense push for her to deal with the CSA had me close to triggered, and I am not in 3D contact with you, much less an intimate relationship with you. I don't want to be rude or trigger you. I DO think you need to change your focus.
You cannot "fix" her, and while she may be closer to or even really ready to start addressing the CSA, pushing her into it, trying to make her view things the way you do or even putting on her the idea that all the marital issues stem from her abuse (which is likely to make her feel blamed and bad, and is not likely to be accurate), or giving her the impression that you know more about her healing than she does, is a perfect set-up for her to withdraw, lie, deny, and in general fall back on the coping mechanisms that have kept her alive and functioning so far. In short, it is a reason for her not to trust you, to feel controlled and forced all over again.
It is TERRIFYING to begin to confront SA, much less begin to deal with the FOO issues surrounding it. And forcing someone into it is re-traumatizing. A huge part of being abused is being helpless, out of control, and forced. Healing has to involve a change in those patterns; that is essentially why forcing someone into treatment so often fails. Pushing for acknowledgement may just push her AWAY.
She may have been responding, but you don't know what her internal experience is, just as she can't really know yours. What she CAN do - what many survivors do if triggered and cornered - is put on a facade of agreement and people pleasing to simply make the other person STOP, to escape. I don't see you wanting that, I see you wanting to truly help her heal... and to do so, you may have to focus on backing off and really hearing her.
In order to support her, to truly help her heal, you can't be trying to DIRECT the healing for her. You can offer options, and you can let her know you support any effort she decides to make, and most critically you can work on you. Get support for you as you deal with this, be open to feedback, set boundaries, listen to her, respect her pace, do your own work in therapy, learn more about your interactions and behavior and responses....work on the MARRIAGE, not on fixing HER. If she has been brave enough to let you know she has trouble trusting, BE trustworthy. You can't change her. You can change your own responses to her. I hope some of this is helpful to you.
Beachlady
Beachlady

[kay727]

HI beachlady,

Thank you so much for the reply. I am way more candid in here than with her. In fact - I told her lastnight after therapy that I am scared to talk with her because I feel judged. She has been judging and pointing the finger a lot. My spouse *is* open to listening to me and I get the feeling she wants me to say more than I am? She has had 2 affairs on me - one only a year after we were married and one recently which started this separation. I asked her if she saw a link between the 2 affairs and she paused - and thought about it. She said that she did not know (and was not defensive) then I asked her why she thought she had the first one and she said she did not know and then guessed it was because she already stopped trusting me. She ALSO said that she really WANTS to know why she stopped trusting me. She seems very eager to know this. So... that is where I am coming from.

She said she wants me to say what I am thinking and I did cry and said I was scared and instead I just ask questions. I told her how afraid I was of being judged. She does comfort me and reach out to me. I really feel/think that she WANTS to see the connection?

Anyway - in your opinion does this sound OK - I was going to talk candidly with her and say I think a lot of the trust issues is residual from the csa - and that it is something that will take her years to process and that I will be here every step of the way - and then tell her that IF she is open and willing - Id like us to see a counselor that specializes in helping couples that are dealing with trust and CSA if and only if she sees the correlation.

This is why I wanted to find a book. She is open - I dont want to *RUSH* her healing process - all I want to do is help her to see and realize I am on her team and realize the lack of trust and triggers are stemming from the abuse. *ugh* but ya beachlady is DOES sound like I am blaming her! I do NOT want to do that!! Anyway to word this without sounding that way? Im such a basket case right now....

[Beachlady]

Hi Kay727,
In my experience, with anyone - not just survivors- judging and pointing the finger tends to be a defense, a way of protecting oneself, whether justified or not... it's very tough to be on the recieving end of that, though! It's great that you were able to tell her how it impacts you.
I am glad she is open to talking and listening. She may also be BOTH: she may be open to talking, and then triggered and defensive, or listening then blocking/dissociating. I don't know her, so those are guesses.... but I do wonder how much she is able to take in when you are talking, how much fear is blocking her from really hearing you.
I think it is really good that you are open and able to express your emotions with her and I would bet she DOES want to understand what's going on; people don't choose to be in pain unless there is another pain or reason for tolerating it that outweighs it.
I think you could broach the subject, tell her that you think the CSA is a factor.... but I would be sure to be clear that you are open to recognizing and working on OTHER factors as well, that you are not going to put everything off by attributing it to the CSA, and be ready to hear her perspective as well, because she may see things other than the CSA as having a bigger impact.... ask the question and be open to another answer, I guess, be open to addressing other issues (which may seem to you to be minor but to her may mean safety) first, because by doing so you will be showing her that her opinion counts, that she is safe when she tells you what she experiences, that you are not blaming her for everything, that you are trustworthy in that you are open to doing the work and sharing the responsibility for the relationship, if that makes sense.
I think a counselor who specializes in - or at least has some good skills in - trauma work is a good idea, but I also think that there have to be times where you accept that she has a concern that does not relate to the CSA, or where you work on the relationship without making it about the trauma. I totally get that you are not blaming her. You ARE blaming the abuse and I am sure that many issues DO stem from the abuse - but I am guessing some don't, and that if it always comes back to "Its because of the CSA" then things will get missed in the relationship.
I don't know your wife, so I can't give you words that are sure to fit for her. I think you need to own your opinion, and let her come to her own realizations, so if you want something, say you want it, without necessarily always giving the "backstory" that CAN come across as blame... I think just telling her you know it is hard, you want to help, you're not always sure HOW and want to be open to her telling you how you can help, that you may make mistakes but you will keep trying and not abandon her if things get tough (which you have shown already but likely will need to keep showing), that you want to learn how the abuse may be impacting the relationship - and are aware that other factors probably impact it too - would *probably* be good.
I can imagine how difficult it is, to see someone you love so much struggle and not be able to jump in and make it better, and have that pain taken out on you sometimes. PLEASE find your own support, here and in therapy or in a group or by reading or whatever works.... you can't support her effectively if you let yourself get depleted. It's like putting on a life jacket before attempting to bring a drowning person to shore; you're then better able to try to help and be successful if you take that step, rather than just drowning with them.
I wish you well, and hope the two of you can keep the communication going and improving....
Beachlady

[kay727]

Thank you so much for the response. It was helpful. I had a bit of an epiphany tonight when I saw my spouse (we are separated). We have this dynamic: it is a push-pull problem and I do not know how to break it.

She had an affair - and then admitted an attempt of one 4 years ago and kept it a secret. After an affair, a partner needs reassurance, support, transparency and consistency in order to rebuild the trust. The problem is that it is the exact opposite that she needs. She wants space, time to be on her own to figure out why she did what she did. I try to talk with her and she pushes me away but then comes around just when she feels like it. So we keep triggering each other cuz either she can not get what she wants/needs or I can not get what I need.

I feel l may be sacrificing my integrity by doing it this way. It really hurts. The more I tell her that I will be here for her and love her - the farther she seems to pul away. And then - that just makes me feel more abandoned and kind of worthless... *ugh* and then I just want to give up.

[the husband]

Ah kay, I feel for you.

I don't think you are ready to receive what I am telling you. That's okay - it has taken me years to get this far, and I still have much to learn. We'll sit with you as others have sat with us.

I think the most important thing you should know today is that you need to show her that you are doing your own work on yourself - separate from her work. I won't waste your time rehashing my story, it's all there to read, but we all have stuff to work on. I think we loved ones may choose survivors unconsciously. I'm quite certain I did. In order to free them from old patterns, we may have to free ourselves from our own.