Im getting blamed - I need a great book!

[Beachlady]

Kay727,
I agree with The Husband. I think the more you engage with her and focus on HER process, and neglect your own, the more she will continue to pull back and not trust you. The way to get out of that dynamic is to do YOUR work, so YOU can disconnect from it; you cannot force her to change, but you can change your response to her... PERHAPS, if you are not pushing, she will have less reason to pull away. If this hurts and feels like damage to your integrity and makes you triggered, then focusing on your own work is critical so you can approach the relationship in a way that is about the relationship, not about fixing her. I wish you well.
Beachlady

[kay727]

Hi Husband,

Im sorry - maybe I am not ready to hear what you have to say.... or accept it? But in reality. I have been processing our relationship a lot - spent a lot of time on her CSA (reading about it etc.) and I just realized something. She does not trust me. She says she thinks that is the core or our problems. Here is the interesting thing. She is not trustworthy. She has lied and kept secrets from me almost our entire marriage. She cheated on me and kept it a secret. But the irony is I remember her having a very firm discussion with me about lying. She told me to never lie to her and that she could handle any truth and we would get through it but she could not tolerate lying. And with that - I believed her and did not lie - I told her things that were hard.

I am realizing that the real success to a marriage is reciprocity. She is very one-sided. I dont know if she has ever thought about her own trustworthiness in relation to feel trust from me.

I mean - if you arent being trushtworth and honest - how can you possibly trust your spouse? I trusted her because I myself was trustworthy.

All this time I have been looking at marraige books to fix a broken marriage or CSA books - maybe all I really need is a book on "how to be a better partner"? (for BOTH of us) Being in a marriage takes humility - and if she cant do that - I have to walk. I WILL stand by her and let her deal with her csa issues as slowly as she needs but that does not give her a right to not think about my needs at all - if anything it makes her problems worse and isolates herself. I dont know. I am going to be writing her a letter.

If any CSA survivor or husband if you are open to reading it before I give it to her lemme know and I can email it. I hope Im not being pushy throwing my stuff out on here. I hope that after I get through this that I can in return be helpful to someone else.

[the husband]

Hi Husband,

Im sorry - maybe I am not ready to hear what you have to say.... or accept it? But in reality. I have been processing our relationship a lot - spent a lot of time on her CSA (reading about it etc.)

You can probably guess what I would say here.

She does not trust me. She says she thinks that is the core or our problems. Here is the interesting thing. She is not trustworthy. She has lied and kept secrets from me almost our entire marriage. She cheated on me and kept it a secret. But the irony is I remember her having a very firm discussion with me about lying. She told me to never lie to her and that she could handle any truth and we would get through it but she could not tolerate lying. And with that - I believed her and did not lie - I told her things that were hard.

I am realizing that the real success to a marriage is reciprocity. She is very one-sided. I don't know if she has ever thought about her own trustworthiness in relation to feel trust from me.

I mean - if you aren't being trustworthy and honest - how can you possibly trust your spouse? I trusted her because I myself was trustworthy.

This duality is common. My wife doesn't trust me (or anyone) with the finances, but she makes errors and I don't get upset about it. She can't tolerate my mild anger, but gets quite angry herself. I think that our survivors are being accurate that they cannot abide by these things in their loved ones, and are somewhat unaware that there is an inequity. I think that duality of thinking is what allowed them to survive. It isn't fair, no doubt about that. It's interesting that you have competing theories about what the Core of the Issue is. Perhaps you are both right.

All this time I have been looking at marriage books to fix a broken marriage or CSA books - maybe all I really need is a book on "how to be a better partner"? (for BOTH of us) Being in a marriage takes humility - and if she cant do that - I have to walk. I WILL stand by her and let her deal with her csa issues as slowly as she needs but that does not give her a right to not think about my needs at all - if anything it makes her problems worse and isolates herself. I don't know. I am going to be writing her a letter.

Marriage books are not a bad place to start, but they are bit shallow for the issues at hand. We're in the deep end here. CSA books are a worthwhile source of information. Humility... maybe what's missing here is the awareness that, deep down inside, she feels like a bottomless pit of fermenting crap. Thinking about her past, examining it, communicating it, all of these are sort of pulling the lid off that pit and exposing it to the world to see. At this stage, she would do just about anything not to have to be exposed that way. You're correct, she has no right to treat you poorly. You have needs, and you deserve to have them considered. What do you want? What do you need? Are you certain you will leave her if she does not meet the conditions you set forth? Be sure, because what she is being asked to face might feel much worse to her than being alone.

If any CSA survivor or husband if you are open to reading it before I give it to her lemme know and I can email it. I hope Im not being pushy throwing my stuff out on here. I hope that after I get through this that I can in return be helpful to someone else.

This is the place for throwing your stuff out there, no worries.

[Tir Asleen]

Hello kay727,
Here is a link to the isurvive.org resource page which lists book which may be helpful to you. Books pertaining to sexual abuse would be a safe place for you to start trying to work on understanding the dynamics of a CSA survivor.
Keep sharing as you can,
Tir

http://www.isurvive.org/resources/books ... d-helpful/

[the husband]

I've been thinking about you a lot, kay. You're feeling blamed, and here we are seeming to say that you ARE part of the problem. I'm sure that feels wrong. Maybe a better way to phrase it is that working on yourself is part of the solution.

I was quite resentful when my wife suggested that I go to therapy to work on my issues. I thought I was doing everything right, at least better than most. SHE is the problem. Eventually I went, if only to get my head together for the next relationship. It couldn't hurt, right? I'm not working on anxiety as my wife had thought I would, since it really hasn't been an issue. Mostly I get a sounding board, a reality check, and some support. In the meantime, my wife feels less stigmatized because she's not the only one working on issues. This isn't accepting blame - think of it as a diplomatic act that benefits you now and in the future.

[Lydia]

I lost my post.

Hi Kay,

Your wife's abuse history sounds eerily similar to mine. My father was my abuser, it started when I was in preschool, and he had a very violent temper along with the SA. My whole childhood I had a "radar" that followed me - right and wrong weren't based on some standard, they were based on my father's moods and what he wanted.

One of the greatest gifts my husband gave me was to go to counseling himself. It wasn't to fix me, it was so he had an outlet and sounding board to understand me better. He didn't go nearly as much as I did, but he went. I did what so many CSA survivors do - I married the son of alcoholic parents, so he had a similar "radar" to mine. One of the conflicts I felt early in marriage was that I had this radar, but it wasn't necessary. I had to learn how to function with someone who wasn't abusive, and strangely it was uncomfortable. He also did some research on what is involved in healing from CSA, and it is unbelievably hard. It wasn't so he could fix me, it was so he could understand the depths of what I was healing from.

I would also recommend researching how horrific it is to heal from CSA. It's not for you to guide or talk her through it, it's so you can have it in the back of your mind and respond from a place of empathy. I'm several years into healing now, and it sure helped my husband handle me. I chose to face everything and heal, but I still have days where my brain is not able to handle "new" stuff.

I will tell you that my first few years of healing (yes, years), there was a lot of time where I simply did not have anything left to actively give my husband. We interacted, he was my closest ally, but I was a full-time Mom, and a healing survivor, and there wasn't much left. It was okay with him. We're several years later, issues still crop up from it, but we are closer and healthier than ever before. My T once told me that average intense healing time for someone who is actively trying to heal is 2-6 years. That is if the person has reached a place of safety and stability to be able to even begin to face it and has chosen to actively do so. This is not an easy or "neat" process, but it is doable and very worthwhile. My husband made himself incredibly safe for me, and it made my healing so much easier (trust me, it wasn't easy. I was able though, to focus on the main issues and not be trying to handle him as well).

Note: Edited to add: One of the ways survivors go is to have affairs. Another is to become "Goody two shoes" - that's the path I took. I recognize that I did not give my husband reason to not trust me.

I read somewhere about your wife's resistance to forgive. What helped me was recognizing that forgiveness does not equal forgetness. Just like if a registered sex offender moved into your neighborhood, you would base any interaction with them on what their "now" life looked like, it's highly unlikely that you would invite that person to dinner. If that person had completely turned their life around, was actively campaigning against CSA and was devoted to helping others heal and avoid it, you might consider having a conversation at the mailbox. For some reason, in abusive families, there is an expectation of forgiving then giving that person free access into your life. My T advised me to not rush to forgiveness, because I needed to understand exactly what I was forgiving. I have forgiven from the standpoint that I am no longer needing to punish my abuser or make him repent. I've given over what's going to happen to my Higher Power. I rarely think about my abuser anymore (and I have so much more energy now). It's a gentler stance, but it took a long time for me to reach.

This is an incredibly hard thing to go through. I admire your commitment to your wife. Keep posting, it helps.

You're not alone.

Lydia

[the husband]

Wow Lydia

I did what so many CSA survivors do - I married the son of alcoholic parents, so he had a similar "radar" to mine.

That certainly resonated with me. Did you read about this somewhere?

[Lydia]

Hi Husband,

I read it in a few places, and my T and I spoke of it. I was going through the books I have here, and couldn't remember where I found it (several books were loaned to me by my T). When I was first healing, I was absolutely shocked at how common CSA actually is, and how many people go to school for a really long time to help people like me. Search the subject on Amazon or Google it, and it is overwhelming how much is out there. My husband and I joked about how many years I lived with this horrible deep dark secret that I had to keep, overwhelming shame, and I could have been used as an example on every college psych text book. (the sad humor that comes in despair). I felt crazy and deranged for so much of my life, and I was actually very normal given the evil insanity I was raised in. I talked to my T about it and she said that CSA-chilld of alcoholics is a very common pairing, and there were a few others. I wish I could help you out more. If I find it, I will post it to you.

Lydia

[HP435]

Hello Kay727

I am so sorry to hear the difficulties about your Marriage. My husband of 24 years and I have reached the end of our journey together devastatingly in main cause to the denial of his mother for 48 years now. Her severe physical and psychological abuse of my husband is documented in (sibling related) Supreme Court Order and she still denies it and of course has not apologised for it ever in my husband's entire life - even in the face of Supreme Court evidence.

During the 27 years I have known my husband, he had very limited childhood memories except for about 5 instances, his 4 siblings over those decades have reported much more through our discussions.

In those decades, my husband did not refute or deny the truth. Today now, in the face of Supreme Court Order proof, now denies his mother ever hurt him and he tells me that he rang his mother and she said she never hurt him and he then rang his brother who said she never hurt them.

This was a survivor who through regular contact with the deniers in the family, has now dissociated and regressed to complete and utter denial.

To say this has been a huge shock, disbelief and devastating to my husband and I and our sons at 17 & 20, is an understatement.

What I researched and studied and practiced was simple to understand, very difficult to be patient with but brought my husband and I more close than we ever have been. I have to say although we achieved a deeply unconditional love between us for the first time ever, it was short lived as the relatives dug their claws in and re-poisoned/terrorised my husband again and he then divorced me. So what I had learned from the brink of Marriage failure to a reunion of unconditional love, was temporary while there is contact with the deniers.

What I had learned is that I approached my husband continuously showing him I was very different to the deniers. I was permanently kind and pleasant - not a negative word came out of my mouth or about the deniers. I looked at my Husband with compassion, seeing the hurt child and spoke with him of love and I asked about his wants and his needs to provide the security of believing in him, reminding him of all his amazing qualities to build his self-esteem. Overall in many ways, I was addressing the harmed child without babying him.

He knew he was deeply loved by me and our sons wrote him a letter with their love and what he means to them also. Our Family became "most important in his life" and he also said "he loved me now more than ever" (27 years !) and he said "we are a big happy family with many more happy memories to come". I believe he felt that difference between us and his relatives/the deniers and we were reunited.

I believe if I had known to take the next step with my husband of initiating 'no contact' with deniers and abusers, no contact would have saved him from them, saved our Marriage and saved our Family.

The problem for our Family was that my husband could not break contact with the abusers or the deniers who kept triggering his childhood fears and taught him that they can dissociate from it all, so could he.

When we are so happy and content, peaceful, trusting and secure in how much we are loved - there is no need for us to be in contact with deniers - This was my aim from the knowledge I had - I just didn't get the chance or time to escalate all my efforts to the level of my husband going no contact. I hope that perhaps you can for you and your Wife. My Best Wishes to you, Hx

[Sheep]

I would have to chime in with englishrose and Beachlady at this time - although I got very triggered by your post and another husband's reply.

I was married for 16 yrs. to my husband (probably a survivor as well) before there was a breakthrough in the denial of my own childhood abuse. A crisis in our marriage triggered the childhood abandonment, trauma, and abuse. The trauma started when I was 2 yrs old and fell out of a moving car and the driver did not stop but came back for me a short time later. I now believe I was retraumatized by the discovery of my husband's secret life of lies and manipulation. I read in a book at one time that it could take 3-5 yrs for him to come out of denial of his own abuse. So for 4 yrs we attended individual and joint counseling along with months of separation, heartache, and chaos for our two children. My ex-husband is probably a survivor as well. He has his own set of acting out behaviors and abusive ways involving control and passive/aggressiveness. My kids and I have been put through hell the past six years since I left their dad. Not only did I trust him and disclose my abusive childhood for the 4 yrs we 'worked on our marriage' but that trust was betrayed when he used my past against me and in frustration only after 3 yrs. of healing from PTSD saying that I AM JUST STUCK IN MY PAST!!!! It was, and still is all about blame. Is it any wonder that I still blame myself for the childhood abuse? My husband of almost 20 yrs. did the same shit my past abusers did - BLAME! To this day he goes around telling my extended family members and his new wife of 2 1/2 yrs that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Our grown married daughter wants nothing to do with him now since he and the stepmom tried to have her younger brother with high functioning autism diagnosed with schizophrenia and put into 'long term care'. After 5 yrs of MY parents supporting my ex husband and betraying me, they finally got a 'wake up call' to their previous son-in-law using them for his own agenda. However, my elderly parents are still in denial (my father is 78 yrs old and my mother 77 yrs. old). My dad was very physically abusive growing up and an alcoholic, along with still being a compulsive gambler. My mother is the typical enabler and codependent. They, along with my 4 older siblings are still in denial. Can I pull them out of denial, get them into counseling, or talk them into healing? Nope. It does not work that way. So...here is my ex-husband, who pushed our son away at 17 yrs. old and kept all of his personal belongings and has no contact even though he only lives 3 miles from our son . The dad does not care that he has an estranged relationship with his only son. He is repeating a similar pattern his alcoholic father did: My ex-husband did not see nor speak to his father for 10 yrs. after he graduated from high school. But my ex is not an alcoholic but has sex addiction where women just became objects. This is no longer a secret for my adult children. But their dad thinks he is 'holier than thou' - and righteously so! Maybe he is addicted to religion as well. For how can a man say he loves his wife yet continue to lie to her year after year after and also withhold love, affection, and physical intimacy? This to me, seems like a form of sexual abuse in and of itself. I'm tempted to delete my reply but honestly, it has been good therapy for me to break more 'secrets'. I'll probably become suicidal for doing this because the little girl in me gets triggered and screams: NO! NO! NO! Don't tell about the sexual abuse!!!! But the adult me knows better. And hey, chances are there are other wives/survivors out there feeling the same pain I felt back in 2003 when my whole world and life changed forever. PTSD should really stand for : Past Tough Stuff Damn-it! And you know what? People don't judge me here for 'not healing yet' like my ex-husband did while in denial of his own past abuse. Although it has been 10 yrs since starting this healing journey, it will take as long as it takes. So, yeh like the other poster said: try to fast forward 5 yrs...you might have some own healing to do yourself.

Sheep